Abundance

There is a book, "Something More," by Sarah Ban Breathnach. The sub-title is "Excavating Your Authentic Self." I stumbled upon this book in my local public library-- the smaller branch-- just as I was creating my first home alone and trying to understand who I am, now that I am divorced.

I'd just moved to a new state, started a new job, and was trying to piece together bits of my old life, and bits of my new one into something that felt whole... The only certainty was that I didn't really know what "whole" looked like... I just knew there had to be something more than work and money and dating/marriage. I'd had all that, and it wasn't... it just wasn't. And here was this book... talking about Abundance and Authenticity. "Human beings," she says, "seem to be divided into two subspecies-- the resigned, who live in quiet desperation, and the exhausted, who exist in restless agitation." I recognized myself, and one of my good friends who had not left her bad marriage, in these descriptions. She was resigned. I was exhausted-and-restless. "I wish I'd known from the beginning that I was born a strong woman. ...I've spent so much of my life cowering." YES, I thought. I keep learning the difficult lesson that I am strong, but I don't ever acknowledge it or use that strength toward anything but survival. I keep cowering and reacting, instead of standing tall in my own shoes, and ACTING! ...I bought the book.

It's been almost exactly a year since I moved out on my own. A year since I realized that if I didn't act, I might not live. In fact, I wasn't living. I was cowering, and reacting, and appeasing. Constantly. And none of my life was actually about me. I decided that I wanted my life to be about me, and about JOY... so I acted. I have been sad, and lonely, and scared many times since then... but they have been passing moods. (And, to be honest, I felt that way a lot more while I was married!) Mostly, I have been active, and joyfully exploring my world-- MY WORLD! This world that is full of beauty, and color, and opportunities, and friends.

I just had my first official House Party today. It was a "New Beginnings" Open House, to celebrate the new year, and my first year of LIVING! I invited a LOT of people to it, and quite a few of them came, which was very nice indeed. Many of them surprised me by bringing fun and thoughtful gifts, too. I felt very loved. And that, my dears, is what this is all about.

Hosting this party also gave me a chance to look around at the people I call friends, and realize that I have turned them into my family. No matter what those popular phrases say about not picking your family-- you CAN. You just can't pick your relatives. For me, there is actually quite a bit of overlap, but the funny part is that the vast majority of friends I have are all around the age of 60 or so. If I was in my 40's or 50's, maybe that wouldn't be worth mentioning-- but the reality is that I'm not even in my 30's yet! Somehow, these warm, confident, intelligent, self-aware people make more sense to me than the other college kids ever did.

I really enjoy spending time with people who love and accept me for who I am, too-- and who see that person (me) as worthwhile. I feel that I am worthwhile, and it is wonderful to have that reflected back at me by the people I give my time and energy to. The people who matter in my life. I also enjoy spending time with people who know who they are (more or less), and aren't afraid to talk about themselves and about life openly and with passion-- and intelligence!! I find that most people my age aren't really like that yet-- or at least, if they are, it's usually with people they've known their whole lives. Safe people.

And I do have some very very good friends my own age. About half of them even live in the same state as me, now, and of those, about half were able to make it to my Open House today. So as I looked around the room, I saw my parents, my aunt and uncle, and a whole lot of other neat people with a lot of life under their belts... who I have known (or feel that I've known) for a very long time, and who have loved me for at least that long. What a wonderful celebration of life! What a wonderful beginning. What wonderful PEOPLE!

I had two requests of everyone who came to my house today. One, EAT! and two, meditate on Abundance, and create an intention for how you will add to the abundance in your life this year. I feel very strongly about Abundance.

It's not a New Year's Resolution, nothing so shallow. It's a way of filling personal preferences with determination-- self-determination. More, I have myself been meditating on abundance, and realizing how full my life is of the things I most care to have these days-- good friends, good food, good books, good times, good plans... I have a wonderful home that I love returning to each night, and spending time in when I'm not away. I have food I like in the fridge. I have a few plants on the back patio that seem destined to live for a while longer. (And nobody randomly accusing me of being a plant-killer.) I have time to indulge my creative pursuits-- and people to share those passions with-- and I have a truly wonderful cat-companion, as well. I wanted to share this awareness of the abundance we have, and can bring to ourselves, with the people who helped me to reach toward it.

My cat truly is my companion, by the way, for all the time I spend with my many friends. She keeps my feet warm in the winter (very important to those of us with reptilian ancestry), she provides a wide variety of entertaining activities and opinions. (Currently, she has taken command of an end table in the living room. Anything placed on it WILL BE REMOVED-- when no one is watching. I accidentally set a full waterbottle on there once. Full waterbottles are LOUD when they hit the floor!!) She shares her affection, her soft fur, and her time with me, and she loves me back. Truly. I'll be sitting on the recliner, scritching her tummy, and listening to her purr... and she will reach one front paw up, and pat me on the chin or the nose. I love that! She knows I am giving her love like that, so she is giving ME love in kind. She runs to greet me when I come home from work every day, too, and gives me extra attention with few demands if she realizes I've had a particularly difficult day. She's even figured out that study time is not lap-time. At least for the first few hours... And all bets are off if her food dish is running low... but I can live with rules like that. Straightforward and obvious ones.

But, back to Abundance. I get to learn new things, I get to explore new ideas. I get to wake up each day knowing the life I lead has been created entirely by my decisions and with my best interests in mind. There is beautiful art on my walls, and there are great books in my living room. Nobody is yelling at me or telling me that all I've added to their lives is problems. I'm not responsible for the happiness of anyone but myself (and my cat)... and yet, there are also people in my life who welcome my involvement, and my insights. This is a good life. A joyful, abundant life. And it's mine. I wanted to share a piece of that opportunity with everyone who has contributed to the raging success of my own New Beginning. Thank you.

To quote Ms. Breathnach, "I hope your search for Something More is just that-- more bountiful, more exciting, more exhilarating, more joyous, more miraculous than any personal journey you've ever been on before. Blessings on your courage. Your buried treasure lies within."