PT for Writers

Every Wednesday night, I attend a writing group. I look forward all week to this event, excited to read my pages and hear the feedback from my peers and advisers. Every week, I am nearly late, frantically pulling together my pages, my final edits, my nerve-- and heading off to work.

And it is work. I am writing down some difficult memories, to be picked over as a stranger might do a cold plate of french fries after lunch. It is hard for me to visualize some past events with enough clarity to write them down so others can vicariously experience those events, too. Hard because I don't want to relive those times. Hard because old wounds heal slowly, and my flesh is still tender. The critiques are always helpful-- but sometimes they still hurt.

Driving home tonight, I realized I was shaking with the after-effects of fight-or-flight adrenaline. That primed response of our bodies in a state of sudden fear. It is scary to remember a time we never want to repeat. It is exhausting, and emotionally draining, too.

Why do I do this? Why do I keep writing, editing, returning every Wednesday night for another dose of dread? Well... I thought about that on my way home. I realized that the truth I share with my clients also applies to me. If I want to find the lessons that will help me move beyond a bad memory or experience, I have to work through the experience. I have to be willing to go piece-by-piece through my past, and throw out what isn't useful. Claim the lessons. Claim my inner strength, my integrity, my changes and the personal growth that I've experienced since those events occurred.

I am lucky. Writing is, for me, cleansing. Putting down on a page all the things I didn't want to forget, but hate to remember-- It lets me rest from the burden of remembering. It lets me put down the memory without fear of losing or repeating the lesson-- I can re-read it any time I feel a need. I am literally lightening my load at each Wednesday night Writer's Group. Freeing up mental and emotional space one jaw-clenching page at a time. Making room for something new.

Just after a car accident, we are in trauma. When the danger has past, and the person stabilized, there is often a long and painful period of physical therapy. A time when we re-learn how to inhabit our bodies, and work through the pain of healing. And so I look forward to these sessions, knowing I'll be exhausted and in pain at the end. Knowing that it's a good kind of pain, and not a punishment. Knowing that I am re-learning how to inhabit my emotional landscape, learning how best to lean forward into my life.

I have seen friends in crisis who were so scared of the pain they might feel if they acknowledged the hurtful situation they were in-- that they simply refused to get therapy. The fear of the healing process was bigger than the ugly situation they were actually living in. We seem, intuitively, to know just how painful it will be to work through our injuries and our traumas. And yet, so often, we turn a blind eye to the trauma or the situation that we live through every day instead.

Getting help, asking for someone to hold your hand and help you move through the pain toward a healthier life, it's a big deal. I have great respect for anyone who can battle their fear enough to ask for help-- to keep asking for help until they are well. Who uses that extra bit of energy that allows us to learn from old hurts, and old patterns, so that we don't repeat them. So that we understand our own personal process of healing, and are able to fully embrace our individual presence in the world.

Driving home from my Writer's Group tonight, I appreciated all over again the courage and the energy my clients put into their own healing process. I honor their victory and their commitment to becoming fully themselves. Their willingness to come back to the table every couple of weeks, ready for more hard work. And then I sit at my computer, and write another chapter in my own story, getting ready for next week's healing critique.

Glossy

Today, I finally made an appointment with the volunteer business counselors at SCORE (yay free!), and applied for about four writing or researching -intensive jobs in town. It's been quite a day. I have to tell you, I'm frustrated with the online testing idea. It's a great idea, but the kind of people that test well with no context and no actual customer service skills? They aren't necessarily what I'd call a representative sampling of the exceptional customer service and networking crowd, doncha know.

Also, if I have to start over from scratch every time I try to click on something that isn't part of the "acceptable path to success" that they've mapped out one click at a time? They make you start over. Yeah. So the number of clicks seem to be on a golf scoring system-- anything above the proscribed number of clicks counts against you. Also, everything is timed.

I really wanted a moment of Godzilla-ness by the time I ran out of time for being online taking the damn test at the library, and had to log off, after only completing about five of the eight sections of testing for computer skills and speeds and program abilities-- for a CUSTOMER SERVICE JOB!!! And I still don't know who the employer is.

Yeah. In other news, I'm excited to meet with the small business dudes. They are both named David. They are worried that this will confuse me. They don't know anything about my specific "specialty" as they delicately put it, but they are willing to work with me on marketing it. And for all the irony in my blogger-voice, I really do appreciate their willingness to do so. I suspect that working with competent business dudes who are uncomfortable with alternative healing therapies will benefit me in several ways. First, anything THEY like, ANYBODY will like. Second, They'll really know what to avoid mentioning when I go on my quest for sponsorship and micro-loans. Third, they probably have CONNECTIONS.
Thank you, David.



Also, a possible apartment option has opened up near where I already live. And for about the combined price of my storage and current rent payments every month. There's definitely some potential there. AND the person who is moving out is a friend of mine, with cats. And she built them a window-deck for outdoor kitty viewing pleasure. Which she and the landlord will leave up for me, if I end up taking the space. (There is someone else with a one-day head start on the "I want that" process, but move-in isn't until December, and I've got awesome insider connections, so hey.)

Kudos, by the way, to this amazing nutritional booster juice called Ageless Extra. Taken daily, in small doses, it overcomes headcolds in a single leap! It provides boundless youthful energy when you forget to sleep! It slices, dices, and even fills in all the nutritional gaps in ANYBODY's diet-- making your body AND your mind regenerate faster, younger, smarter. (Now with gold body glitter and free tongue-piercing!!)

Okay, I lied about the body glitter. But it really does make a noticeable difference in the elasticity of my health, and my overall daily performance. And I digest it one hella-hundred percent better than any daily multivitamin I've ever tried. Dinner with friends on the nights I need to re-stock my supply is a welcome bonus.

OH-- and I am getting published in a nice little local seasonal newspaper called OpenWays. The issue they tell me I'm in comes out December 1st. Happy Winter, everybody!


....WHEEEEEE.....

Once Toady

Someone once told me that electronics work better at cooler temperatures. It's one of the reasons that working Intel is such a great job in the Argmy-- because you get to sit in air conditioned rooms with all the electronics and shight.

I think the electronics in my bedroom must be THRILLED. And, if I discover that they are all functioning at 3x their normal efficiency, I will feel that this is only fair. Because I had to work on my computer for about four hours this morning before I got into the nice hot shower... and it took about oh... most of the shower... to get my fingers warm enough to where the hot water didn't hurt them anymore. Not because the water was hotter than usual-- it wasn't. Rather, because my fingers were just that damn cold.

Anytime you have to wear the same winter clothes IN THE HOUSE as you do OUTSIDE THE HOUSE-- that's when you use your credit card to buy a really efficient space heater that can run full time without bursting into flame-- and you plug the sucker in, and RUN IT. Especially if you also have an arthritic kitty who really loves you, and walks with a bigger limp than normal when she's really cold and it's raining outside.

I would like all my well-wishers to put their thoughts toward "Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough." Just repeat that a few times for me, and we'll see how things go from here.

Personally, I'm posting flyers in appropriate locations about my upcoming Workshops. And I'm planning to apply for that part time Reference Librarian position that just came up in Lake Oswego. And I'm planning to apply for some micro-loans in the hope that I will be able to jump-start some appropriate advertising for my Consulting Business (and make home heating bill payments and student loan payments, among other things).

I'm also going to go hide my frozen fingers-- the ones with the slightly green-blue tinge-- in the electric blanket for an hour or two before I go to bed now. Maybe also my toes. If I have any. I can't tell at the moment.

...Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough. Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough. Staci works...

'Weenie

Halloween is coming.
And all the leaves are finally starting to change color...
those that aren't being knocked down by the suddenly cold rain.

Halloween is coming.
And all the politicians are finally starting to ignore color...
those that don't want to be left out in the cold come November.

Halloween is coming.
And all I can think is that I'd really like to get my hands on
that old cult movie called Buffy the Vampire Slayer-- the one that predated the TV series and had that guy from 90210.

Halloween is coming.
And although I really like my housemate and her cats...
those open windows and the lack of heat make things pretty damn cold in this rain.
It inspires in me a strange sort of poetry--
It's an effort to keep my fingers from freezing, and my face from falling into a frown
because Halloween is coming, and Autumn is my favorite time of year.

Spaminatious & Palincomparison

So I don't know how, but McKain't got ahold of my small business email address. In the month since that horrible horrible event, his campaign (all three email addresses of it) has sent me on average 5 pieces of spam a week. It sux.

Now, today, he seems to have also found a second of my business-related email addresses. And the email I received was titled, "Dear Campaign Supporter." This man is so lost, I seriously think he could find his dick with both hands and a flashlight, but only if somebody paid him to do it. Let's not even get into his sidekick, Palincomparison.

Instead, I'd like to say how much I appreciate the goals and intent that Mr. Obama has highlighted repeatedly throughout his campaign, and the fact that he has NOT sent out spam, has NOT lied, and has actually shown an amazingly high level of moral and personal integrity, social awareness, and intelligence-- for a politician. I really appreciate that man, and many of the things he stands for.

Mostly, I just want America to stop losing individual civil rights, start using wind and solar energy and natural gas as our top three sources for powering cars, and providing homes and businesses with energy. I'd like to see a minimum of 25 mpg for all vehicles on the road by 2010. I'd like a reward program in place to assist folks who make less than $50,000 a year to switch to an electric-powered vehicle. I'd like the vehicles driven (and available for sale) in America to get an average (an AVERAGE) of 50mpg by 2012. And I'd like America to reinvest in education. Both by emphasizing quality and skills and experience over test scores, and by returning to a system that allows people with low incomes to actually AFFORD COLLEGE so they can gain increased skills, and still pay rent. I'd also like to change-up the tax system, so that the only people who pay taxes (or social security, since I doubt I'll ever get any of it) are those whose TAKE-HOME-PAY is over $40,000 a year. And anybody who makes over $1 mil a year should be in the REAL tax brackets for folks who pay up on what the rest of us really can't afford to lose out of our meager incomes. Really now.

Also, while we're on the subject, I'd like to make Yoga and afternoon naps mandatory for everyone over the age of twelve. I'd also like to see a certain withering shrub get implumbed... but hey-- dreams are cheep, and not much else is anymore. Anyway, I'm kinda hoping that I get taken of those dagmn spaminatious political email lists sooner than later. Like-- I don't want to have to wait for November to have the stupidity end. It really makes me ill to see one sitting in my inbox. Every day.