Blatant Reminders

I find that once you get past the question of why they joined, most Argmy guys fall into two categories: Honor-Bound, and Rat-Pack. Neither group has many scruples against a good mug of beer, a good fist fight, and a good game of explosives now and then... but The HB type is very upright, even when he sits, and appears very clean cut, and knows how not to swear in front of children and old people. The RP type is more of a down-and-dirty kinda guy, who lives for the thrills, and really feels that line about "BROTHERS in arms," deeply.

I've got a new friend in the RP style of things--- and tonight he brought over a buddy of his of the HB variety. To talk with his mom (a good friend of mine whom I was also visiting with at the time), and get advice, in relation to something that happened relating to HB's divorce. And since that was a topic that I'd had experience in, they asked me to be part of the conversation. I was pleased to be there, and enjoyed the talk, but didn't really get to do more than offer "morale" support, if you know what I mean. Can I tell you that I have specifically NOT BEEN in the company of single sexy males my own age for a good 12-18 months now?!

So the universe is taunting me, with a Blatant Reminder that I am not as mature as I'd like to think, and it was so ridiculous that I had to laugh along-- You know, between coughing fits due to a sudden and unexplained allergy attack that occurred right after HB sat down next to me, and shaking like a leaf with a sudden (and more easily explained) attack of stage fright. I tell you, this HB guy was HOT!! And it became clear to me that I do indeed have a "type." Tall, muscular, reserved, funny, and intelligent. With a military hair cut and a ramrod straight spine. Who look like they'd be good cuddlers. Who sat next to me in the couch.

And all I could think was that I didn't want anybody to NOTICE that I was shaking like a teenager with a crush. And that somebody somewhere was LAUGHING AT ME because of course, here I am again, in the company of and attracted to... a soldgier. Great. And, even better, one who is just getting out of a long-term relationship (read: marriage). So I firmly reminded myself that this is EXACTLY why I still need some serious therapy (read: counseling) before I try to have a serious dating relationship ever again. I even made the same suggestion to him. Because I'm still attracted to the same kind of guy that I thought my X was. And I clearly stated that I'd be happy to talk "divorce" with him if he needed to-- which helped me put up a "possible-friend-only" boundary in my mind. (And actually possibly make it USEFUL that they included me in the conversation at all.) Easier not to obsess that way. Like I'm doing here. Over a total stranger who's just a nice, funny, intelligent guy in a bad situation.

See, this guy just happens to be an ex soldier with time in Iraq under his belt who is now in the coastguard while he gets his masters in Ornithology. DAMN he was hot!!! And basically single. And smart, and seemed like he'd be really easy to talk with on just about any topic. Oh and get this-- when his wife brought up the marriage issues, he HE *HE* suggested marriage counseling. And she turned him down. And I was shaking like a leaf for most of his brief visit (he chose to sit next to me on the couch-- did I tell you that already?)-- and had a minor allergy attack. Oh so segxy of me. And I am NOT INTERESTED IN HIM... and that's good because I doubt he'd consider dating me. And because he has, as he put it, a whole new five-year plan now. I thought I was the only person with one of those... Oh, right-- and because he's FUgCKING MILITARY. And one of RP's drinking buddies. RP who is only sometimes on the right side of the law, and is somehow always sure he's right... (And who I really like, but would never want to get on his bad side, which I somehow know I would do if I ever tried to hang out with him NOT at his mom's house. Sigh.)

But it was (and I do admit this, with good humor) kinda funny that the only guy I meet for about 16 months who actually seems attractive to me-- is military. Where are the cameras??? I just know this is another one of those ridiculous episodes of the sitcom that is my life, wherein my grand statements of "never again" and suchlike self-vindicating bull are put to the test and found to be horribly (hilariously?) full of holes.

(And, really, I hope he has good friends who can do more than get angry on his behalf to help him deal with the issues that come up in a messy divorce... I was lucky on that one. With friends like RP, maybe so is he. I love a guy who can acknowledge that sometimes his mom DOES have good advice!)

So yeah-- How was YOUR evening?

Vewy Intewestink!

For kicks and giggles, I took the personality DNA test again-- the one in the box on the right side with all the funky colors in it that says "Benevolent Architect"...
I am now a "Benevolent Analyst"... go figure. http://www.personaldna.com/report

Apparently, I've now got both feet on the ground, and need to add more creativity into my life. Vewy Intewestink!

Meh.

I just finished pulling myself out of a slump, and just started actually being productive and proactive in my life again (I only slumped for about a week, but I still felt guilty about it)...
WHEN SUDDENLY

I found out that the one place I'd got an inside track for getting hired hadn't even selected me to go on to the final round of interviews, and has in fact hired someone else to fill the position at this time. (the one in Minnesota) Now, logically, I know I shouldn't expect to get hired for the first job I apply to, and I know I should view the one interview I did have with this University as "practice"... but man, Shoulds SUCK, and so did that bit of news this morning. It would be very easy to drown in a sea of shoulds without even realizing it was the weight of your own inner critic that made your boat unseaworthy in storms.

I'm what you'd call "proactive." So sitting here on my hands, watching life slip by, and feeling useless and pathetic and unemployed-- it's hard on my self-esteem. And my inner critic is having a field day. I know I'm smart. I know I'm intelligent, too. (not the same thing, really)--
and I know I have a lot to offer my future employers, and my future clients/patrons. I just don't know if I'll ever get the opportunity to prove it.

In the meantime, anybody have suggestions for good places 'round here'bouts to advertise my availability as a life coach and tarot reader? 'Cause, man, I could use some positive personal reinforcement in my personal abilities and in my pocket book. I don't even want to curl up and hide from the world anymore-- I want to go out and stranghle it. Or at least go out and prove that all the hard work I've put into turning my life around and starting over and getting my MLS and overcoming all those damn obstacles in the last three years-- was WORTH THE EFFORT, dammit!

And so I say again--
Meh.

Old Hat

No shigt, there I was...
Driving home from a busy day in someone else's office. And on the way, there is the one intersection with no left turn lane, and a lot of traffic. Frustrating for everyone, I'm sure. And of course, I wanted to turn left. So I waited through one whole green light with no break in oncoming traffic-- good thing I didn't pull too far out into the intersection, because I was STUCK! And by the time the green light came around again, there were a variety of determined drivers behind me. So I pulled a little way into the intersection.

And if the guy in the blue ford right behind me hadn't been riding my bumper so close he probably couldn't even SEE my turn signal, there would have been plenty of space for them all to go AROUND me and keep on straight through that green light. But he was a minor idiot in a sea of fools at that particular moment, at that particular intersection.

And then suddenly, I SAW IT! An oncoming car lagging a bit behind the rest, with *ITS* left turn signal on, TOO! So I inched a little farther forward, and got ready to hit the gas so I could get through the darn light while it was still green-- when he made HIS left turn in front of ME! But... then I hesitated. And I'll tell you why.

I've had more than one person's share of car accidents in my lifetime, and I'm just not that old yet! And... the guy in that car with it's little left turn signal on was...

AN OLD MAN IN A HAT!!!
WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN, AND HIS LITTLE SWEET BLUE-HAIRED WIFE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, GAZING BLINDLY OUT THE SIDE WINDOW.

So I hit my brakes, and hoped the guy in the blue ford behind me didn't just run my little grey car over and be done with it... and there... there, on the other side, away from everybody else on the other side, just where he'd have to start seriously turning, in the middle of the intersection, he realized that his turn light was on, and slowly reached around the steering wheel with his left hand, and turned it off...

And if I'd assumed that he was turning (since you know, his TURN SIGNAL was on, and he'd SLOWED DOWN WHEN ENTERING THE INTERSECTION), I'd have been the author of yet another totalled car wreck. Because that old man in that hat was going to go straight THE WHOLE TIME!!!

And that, children, is why we ignore the rude drivers behind us, and concentrate on the possibility that the guy in the oncoming lane is an idiot. Just in case. And I'm sure he was a very NICE idiot, but I'm even more sure that I really didn't want to go through another car accident. Oh, and by the way, about three cars later, there was a nice big opening, and I turned, and all the cars behind me DID make it through the poorly designed intersection before the light turned red again. Even the guy at the end of the line of cars behind me, who was ALSO planning to make a left turn.

The End.

Soggy

Whatever else is or is not going on, I usually manage to keep busy. Martha Stewart busy. Like, I've got so many irons in the fire that there doesn't seem to be any room left for the logs. That kind of busy. So right now, even though I'm basically unemployed and tending toward barely contained panic about the fact that I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED JOB OFFERS (or even second round interviews) from any university libraries-- AND I TURNED DOWN THE ONE JOB OFFER I DID GET (because it wasn't a university library)... I'm not really finding any of what I'd call "free time" to apply for any MORE jobs. This is a problem.

So I quit my short-term "help someone out and get paid, but don't have to take it too seriously" job because it was taking over three days a week and Sundays. And I bid my local library a fond adieu for a few weeks because I was with them on the other two days of the week. I had a week left of those commitments (I like to give plenty of warning)... when my friend's life took a left turn, and she suddenly needed some serious levels of support. And I'm really glad I have the time to give it-- I just wish I wasn't stumbling around so much in the process. I feel like I'm taking more of her time, and offering no relief except moral support or something... but maybe I'll get more efficient, and maybe that's all she needed from me in the first place.

Hold on, my cat is trying to knock over the lamp again...

And I'm going to have this booth at this festival-- THIS WEEKEND... which has taken more time to prepare for than I'd realized, and which I'm really excited about... but it still takes time. And my dad's birthday was this month, so I went and visited my folks for a few days-- which was fun, and I rediscovered the joys of making baskets with my mom and all... but no jobs were applied for in the process. Maybe I just need to win the lottery so I can continue to go from friend to friend and from place to place, sewing good intentions and running the occasional helpful errand... and still be able to pay off my credit cards from college.

Or, maybe I just need to shore up my patience and my hopeful outlook once again, and MAKE TIME to apply for more library jobs in the near future. Maybe I should just grab my calendar right now, and budget one day a week as "Get-R-Done Day"... hang on, my calendar is in the other room...

Well, "other room" is a relative term. I'm lucky to have the space I have, and it's pleasant enough, though I miss having access to direct sunlight... it's just that I've probably got less than 300sf of living space here, and most of it is filled with someone else's things. And after a while, one begins to miss having a space that is truly "her own." And yet, if I didn't have this space, I'd be in real trouble. And I love the people who have lent it to me. I know they miss having the use of the space I currently occupy, and they went out of their way to make it usable while I'm here. It's a common situation, I think, to experience multiple emotions relating to a single reality-- and to be slightly overwhelmed by the complexity of feeling that such a simple event can spark. Another great example would have been the evening I was offered the public library job, and I turned it down.

Sometimes, I still wonder if I did the right thing. If I'd accepted, I'd be employed right now. And it was a good situation, with lots of opportunities for training, innovation, and outreach. The very things I want to be doing. Instead, I chose to bet that an even better fit was waiting for me, just around the corner. That I'd have other opportunities with situations that better fit my personal desires at this point. And so I wait. And wonder if my lack of confidence feeds my lack of realization of those desires, or if the lack of action on the "better job search front" feeds my flagging confidence in my previous choice.

I see the economy nosing down, I see that in a year or a few years, anyone who is still employed will be lucky, and that our nation will have to go through some truly painful changes in order to survive at all... and I wonder if I just threw away my best bet at a secure future. But I also think that universities and colleges are more likely to continue having funding than public libraries, and there is a spark inside me that refuses to be snuffed by circumstance. If I look closely enough at that little flame, I know that I do believe I'll get a good job offer, and that I'll make it through. That I'll eventually look back and realize that this was another opportunity-- a gift from the universe to further my learning and deepen my connection with both suffering and with joy. But right now, I feel soggy.

That sensation of being damp down to my underwear, cold, uncomfortable, and unrealized. Well, I guess that means its the perfect time for a hot shower, a hairdryer, and a project to complete before dinner. I never realized before how much my enjoyment of dancing in the rain depended on the sure knowledge that I had a warm home, a hot & healthy meal, and a change of clothes waiting for me at the end of the journey.

Interdisciplinarity vs Geraldine Ferraro

So I just happened to check in with one of my favorite blogs-- feministing.com
And discovered this lovely commentary (way at the bottom, I had a lot to say first, whoops) that is technically about Geraldine Ferraro, but really discusses the (more important) growing divide between 2nd wave and 3rd wave feminists.

Nowhere is this divide more evident than in the political debates of non-runners about this year's two most exciting candidates for President. Old-school feminists (ie: 2nd wavers) support HC simply because she is a woman. And I understand the point. They've been forced to act on one-party politics for a long time-- just to be taken seriously in politics at all. They've had to focus their clout very specifically for it to be enough force to enact changes. Important changes. But the latest wave of feminists (ie: 3rd wavers-- may there be many more waves to come, and may my cat's snores not wake the neighbors)... we see things a little differently. It's a bit of a one-world approach. And you can see it beginning to take root in the offerings of many small liberal arts colleges around the country.

You see, we have an interdisciplinary approach. We understand that it isn't just about being female. It's about being black and poor, or female and muslim, or any number of other intersecting (and now interdisciplinary) realities that we AS PEOPLE face every day. We are proud of who we are, and often of where we came from as well. But not everyone sees it that way. What we DO see is that if all underprivileged groups work together in support of a better world for all of us, we'll all win. Not just the women who choose to define themselves (and vote) exclusively by the shape of their genitals. In fact, while respecting greatly the progress and fights and sacrifices that many women before us have made to get us this far... I personally find it every bit as limiting (now) to define myself by my perceived gender as to be defined by it. So I don't. I see that I am a young healthy white woman from a poor farming town with two parents, etc etc etc. All those things intersect to define my personal challenges and my privileges.

I have been privileged to hear many intelligent and self-aware speakers on the subject of race, and how it intersects with other challenges and privileges. One of these speakers explained to me that if we continue to ignore difference (like skin color), we are sending a message to those whose individuality we ignore that these parts of them don't count, or aren't valued. Their cultural background, their family struggles, their special abilities and evident skills... Rather, to be truly anti-racism (or classism or any other ism you think of), we must EMBRACE DIFFERENCE, and find connection in our very uniqueness. We must find ways to bridge the gaps and become a community, without losing the gifts that difference brings. No community could survive by itself if everyone in it were a bricklayer. Who'd bake the bread?

And so I have pasted a small piece of the latest bit of intelligence (I don't always agree, but the site does always make me think about what I think, and why) from feministing.com:

Geraldine Ferraro

Geraldine Ferraro, Democratic politician and champion of reproductive choice, said the following to The Daily Breeze in Torrance, California: If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color), he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept. It strikes me as more fodder for Jessica's awesome argument in The Nation--namely that some older feminist's insistence on making divisive, black vs. white arguments around the presidential election is indicative of a larger intergenerational trend in the women's movement. Younger women want to speak, breathe, and live intersectional feminism--the idea that social change emerges at the crossroads of race, class, gender, sexuality, ability etc. Some older women are stuck in a second-wave conception of feminism as wholly focused on gender and championing women no matter what the context or complexities. We see this divide showing up in women's organizations. We see this divide showing up in media coverage. And we see this divide showing up in the interpersonal, every day struggles between feminists of different generations who want to see one another and do good work together. So I ask you: What do you think?

Sooner Or Later

I've no idea of the tune, or where I heard this song-- but there's a song out there that goes like this: ....everything else, sooner or later, falls apart.... And I can identify with that. There have been times when I even felt that everything I touched fell apart. But I don't feel that right now.

Right now, I'm waiting. And it isn't something I do very gracefully most of the time. In fact, the longer I have to wait, the uglier it gets. I've got some applications out there in the world, somewhere, right now. A few of those have even been acknowledged by the institutions I sent them to, so I know people've RECEIVED MY APPLICATIONS. What I don't know is HOW they received them. I had one telephone interview. It was a learning experience, but I feel that I actually did fairly well. And they told me that the next step would be flying out their top three candidates for face-to-face interviews sometime in the last two weeks of March. And unless they want to end up holding airline bills for thousands of dollars, that means those final three candidates would have to be contacted at least two weeks out-- so... by the beginning of March. Which has now passed. Without my hearing a word. I've also heard nothing from my personal favorite (site unseen) of the places I've applied. Their deadline was February 29th. I know they GOT the application. I thought I had a good strong chance of being interviewed. I'm trying REALLY HARD to believe that they just haven't contacted everyone in their top ten yet. It's only been a week.

I have to say, my patience with the whole situation (and with myself) is starting to wear thin. The good news is that I've put moratoriums on my other commitments (don't know how it happened, but I ended up committed to doing SOMETHING for SOMEONE every day of the week for the past month!) so that I can again be an application-producing machine. I need a job. A really awesome job that I love and that pays the bills (and the loans, with maybe some left over for fun and savings) and.... Well....

I'm also really excited about March. In general, it's a fun month. Spring is popping out everywhere, the birds are ecstatic (and loud), and many of my favorite people have birthdays in March. In addition to this, the Spring Equinox is coming, and along with it-- PaganFaire2008!! In which I have my very own booth. Finally, a place to find good homes for my fabric storytales and my scented lotions and my hand-mixed loose-leaf herbal teas and my home-made medicinal ointments. And, in the process, I might even make back a bit of the money it took for me to make these things and reserve the booth. I tell you, March is a good month!

Did you know that I've been in search of good (and unique) tapered candle holders for something like 18 months now? Not a frantic search, by any means... But of the three I have, two are broken, none are all that sturdy, and all are short and easily found at any local store. But then last week, I was coming out of the bagel store (lunch after volunteering in the Library and before getting my car's first oil change-- they say the gas gauge is never really that accurate, and the problem I'm having might be the breaks, but they'd have to tear the car apart to find out) and for the first time, I noticed a little "antiques and gifts" (read second-hand) store across the parking lot. Now, I don't often go into these because they are often musty and depressing... But on that day, I went right over and wandered in. And found the perfect sturdy hand-blown glass candlestick holders I'd been searching for. They are very unique, they are a gorgeous aqua blue, they have a wide sturdy base, they don't actually need extra goop to hold the candles in place, and the lady agreed to sell them both to me for $10 off the asking price. Which was like a 40% discount, and meant that I didn't have to blow my budget to buy them. I love the month of March!!

In other good news, my latest attempt at an organization system seems to be working fairly well. And I'm nearly done with my ALA Core Books List Update, which really rocks. See, I was asked to update the Reference section of books (all 97 of them, plus any new ones I want to add) for the American Library Association's Women's Studies list of Core Books for any Women's Studies library collection. And I was a lot daunted by the project. I mean, I won't even feel like a real librarian until I get through my first official day of paid work as one! And here I am weeding the REFERENCE LIST that the whole nation uses for their Women's Studies library collections. Good God! But I did it. And I feel good about what I did. Now, we'll just wait and see what everybody else thinks. =)

Sooner or later, everybody has an opinion about something.

Coyote Howls

A howl is one thing-- but actually, the hunting BARK of a coyote raises a lot more hairs on the back of my neck. Especially when it is uttered from less than 50 feet away, in the dead of night, and followed by complete silence. Was that for me?? Is the first rational thought that comes to mind. And then you realize-- I'm inside the house. That probably means I'm safe from wild animals. I've never before been quite so aware of how thin a wall is-- nor of how insignificant a barrier a pane of glass can be.

Ahh, Nature!
... to be honest, I don't think most of us would last two nights if we were really stuck out in it!