I just received a comment on my last blog post from someone who clearly knew/knows me, or has spent a hell of a lot of time reading my posts. And they chose to be anonymous in their comment. The funny part is that the comments they made point out how LITTLE whoever it is actually knows me. I'm kinda sad about that, because they clearly have a very poor impression of me.
And since this is a personal blog, and I thought that the only people reading it were folks I'd given the url to in person... I'm taking the comment personally, and responding from a very personal place.
Sadly, I've recently (ie: in the last five years) had a few folks (and only a few) in my life decide that my reasons for making certain personal decisions-- or my ability to make good decisions in the first place-- were not good enough, because they knew what was best for me better than I did. So I'm a mite sensitive. And I'm taking the comment seriously. However, the first version was way too long, so here's the edited-down version of my response:
----
After selling the house, and leaving the marriage, and failing to find the career I trained for, I spent a long time figuring out what "success" means to me in my life and the way I live. What *I* want to get out of my time on earth. How *I* take responsibility for my own happiness and wellbeing. I even had to figure out what style and color of clothing I wear when I'm not trying to fit someone else's expectations.
And it's not the narrow "has a nice house and a nice ass and nice a retirement account" view of things that we're taught is what you're SUPPOSED to want out of life. For example, I want to build my home out of straw bale, and live off the grid. And I work hard to do something that makes someone else's life better every day-- even if it's just smiling at a stranger or giving a can of soup to a homeless man. And I won't sacrifice my health, my dreams, or my integrity in order to look like I'm doing well, or to do what I'm "supposed to" according to someone else's rule book.
I don't post every day, as you may have noticed, so there is a lot of my life (good and bad and in between) that I've left out. If this blog is the only way you know me, it's a really narrow view, and I'm sorry. You're right. A lot of it is somewhat negative. And I'm usually laughing at myself through those ridiculous negative blog posts. If you don't know me, you might not pick up on that. So now you know. I expect you to read that post about my lack of sleep, and burst out laughing at how silly it is. I do.
My life is full of blessings. Every day I am alive is a blessing. Having a car and the money for gas is a blessing. Having the use of both my legs is a blessing. Getting to come home to a great friend like GB every night is a blessing. The rain that washes the earth clean is a blessing. Being able to find humor in stressful situations is a blessing. And I use that particular blessing a lot.
This blog is here for me to write about the ridiculousness of life-- good and bad. And it was meant only to be read by folks I know and love, and who know and love me-- just the way I am. Folks who I think can connect with this particular aspect of my personality and life. I've now visited my "settings" page, and discovered that my blog was public in a way I have never edited content for it to be. If I offend you here, or you find it difficult to love and respect me just the way I am, please stop reading this blog.
Trust me, I learned this the hard way many years ago. People change or not, at their own pace. They may come to those they trust and see as knowledgeable, and ask for help in making a change. But only when they realize their current way of being is unhealthy, see the value of that change, and are committed to making it happen themselves. And if you have a different value system from your friend-- it is disrespectful to expect them to change and share your exact same value system. It IS reasonable to ask your friends not to try and change you and your choices to fit THEIR lifestyle and moral standard.
So there we go. The short answer to your concern over my life choices is this:
--No, I don't think I'm repeating mistakes from my marriage right now.
--Well, actually, I had several great options for where to go when I decided to move. I was not in danger of becoming homeless. (Wow, you'd think the commenter was trying to be hurtful or something.)
--Yes, I do think that I'm in a stressful situation, actually, but Yes-- there are a lot of positives about it, too, that I didn't blog about. It won't always be stressful. I spend a lot of time enjoying my life and being grateful, and being introspective about everything, and that may not be in my blog because I'm too busy LIVING THE JOY and learning to be a better, happier person as I go.
--Actually, contrary to what you thought, my Life Coaching business still exists, but my goals for it in the next few years have changed. I'm not at all bitter about it. I'm excited to see what my life holds, and how it unfolds.
--I find myself and my life choices worthy of respect. I feel good about the decisions I've made and the reasons I've made them. If you are trying to make yourself feel better by finding problems with my life choices, there's some personal work for YOU to do there, chika, when you're ready. Contrary to your aim, the comment you made was neither loving nor insightful.
--Wait, what else did you suggest I was making poor choices about or failing at? I forget. I ranted in my blog (as I usually do), and deleted most of the rant (as I usually do), and now I'm over it so I can get on with all the other projects and deadlines and self-bettering goals and friendships and blessings and responsibilities that fill my life. I love my life.
YAY ME!
Tuesday, January 19
Tuesday, January 12
Funky
I'm still getting used to sleeping in this house, and not over in that one. I's been almost two weeks. And cn I mention how much hARDER it s to type with a cat chnin between your thumbs? Ew. She drooled on the keyboard.
First off, the dog's arthritis is acting up, so he has to have "fart pills" three times a day to manage the pain. Sometimes the smell alone is enough to wake you up at night. Then there is the fact that we also think he has irritable bowels, so sometimes he throws up at night. Only at night, mind you. And only at either 1:30am, or somewhere between 3:45-4:45am. The puking is always proceeded by a rather wet lip-smacking.
It sounds like this:
"shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk..."
Oddly enough, this sounds exactly like when the dog cleans between his toes-- which he also seems to do at either 1:30am, or somewhere between 3:45-4:45am. Until you yell at him for god's sake to either knock it off, or puke already, dammit!
And the cat.
The cat only jumps off the bed when standing next to GB's right shoulder. Not his stomach. Not his toes. Not on my side of the bed-- ever. And she walks straight from the crick behind my knees, across his bladder, and up to that spot by his shoulder. The jumping-down-for-a-midnight-snack spot. And then disappears into the closet to crunch her crunchy cat food. She usually gets hungry at both midnight, and somewhere close to 3am. And when she's about to jump up onto something, she let's you know. She's very polite. In that "SEE? SEE HOW POLITE I AM??" cat sort of way.
"Mprrt?" And then the soft thud of graceful cat paws on the bed. And the thud itself is mild enough to sleep through. But not the "Mprrt?" that always comes first. Then she has to walk around and see whose awake (and therefore available to sniff her breath, and have their face sneezed on and whiskers poked up their nose, and pet her) before settling back down on someone's legs.
And if there's silence in the bedroom for too long, the teenage cat-sisters on the other side of the bedroom door get worried. So they meow in high-pitched teenage girl voices, and scratch on the door until someone comes out to reassure them. Or yell at them.
Did I mention that our bedroom shares a wall with the only bathroom in the house? It does. And the roommate showers at 6:45 every morning. Except the mornings he showers at 6:15. And clears his nose (or maybe it's his throat) in the shower. Loudly. Some mornings it takes him a while to get it all out.
And don't get me started on the blanket-stealing situation. Just don't even get me started.
Turns out that except when he (or the dog) is snoring, GB is a lighter sleeper than I am. So every time I roll over, it wakes him up.
guilt. guilt. guilt.
So the good news is that if GB is still snoring, I know he's slept through whatever it was that woke ME up. And therefore if *I* yell at the offending party, we will both be woken up. Again.
By the way, GB is currently unsticking a new baby leaf on his beloved hanging plant behind me. It's been sitting there, half-unfurled, for three days. He couldn't take it any more.
GB: "It's stuck."
Me: "But it's getting bigger."
GB: "It's stuck."
Me: "Maybe it's still growing."
GB: "NO. It's STUCK."
And then he gently pulled the tiny green leaf away from the plant spine that birthed it, and unrolled the edges of the leaf so it could start getting sun and growing BIGGER! Now that it's unstuck. The 3-day-old baby leaf on his hanging plant.
I need sleep.
First off, the dog's arthritis is acting up, so he has to have "fart pills" three times a day to manage the pain. Sometimes the smell alone is enough to wake you up at night. Then there is the fact that we also think he has irritable bowels, so sometimes he throws up at night. Only at night, mind you. And only at either 1:30am, or somewhere between 3:45-4:45am. The puking is always proceeded by a rather wet lip-smacking.
It sounds like this:
"shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk... shlmachk..."
Oddly enough, this sounds exactly like when the dog cleans between his toes-- which he also seems to do at either 1:30am, or somewhere between 3:45-4:45am. Until you yell at him for god's sake to either knock it off, or puke already, dammit!
And the cat.
The cat only jumps off the bed when standing next to GB's right shoulder. Not his stomach. Not his toes. Not on my side of the bed-- ever. And she walks straight from the crick behind my knees, across his bladder, and up to that spot by his shoulder. The jumping-down-for-a-midnight-snack spot. And then disappears into the closet to crunch her crunchy cat food. She usually gets hungry at both midnight, and somewhere close to 3am. And when she's about to jump up onto something, she let's you know. She's very polite. In that "SEE? SEE HOW POLITE I AM??" cat sort of way.
"Mprrt?" And then the soft thud of graceful cat paws on the bed. And the thud itself is mild enough to sleep through. But not the "Mprrt?" that always comes first. Then she has to walk around and see whose awake (and therefore available to sniff her breath, and have their face sneezed on and whiskers poked up their nose, and pet her) before settling back down on someone's legs.
And if there's silence in the bedroom for too long, the teenage cat-sisters on the other side of the bedroom door get worried. So they meow in high-pitched teenage girl voices, and scratch on the door until someone comes out to reassure them. Or yell at them.
Did I mention that our bedroom shares a wall with the only bathroom in the house? It does. And the roommate showers at 6:45 every morning. Except the mornings he showers at 6:15. And clears his nose (or maybe it's his throat) in the shower. Loudly. Some mornings it takes him a while to get it all out.
And don't get me started on the blanket-stealing situation. Just don't even get me started.
Turns out that except when he (or the dog) is snoring, GB is a lighter sleeper than I am. So every time I roll over, it wakes him up.
guilt. guilt. guilt.
So the good news is that if GB is still snoring, I know he's slept through whatever it was that woke ME up. And therefore if *I* yell at the offending party, we will both be woken up. Again.
By the way, GB is currently unsticking a new baby leaf on his beloved hanging plant behind me. It's been sitting there, half-unfurled, for three days. He couldn't take it any more.
GB: "It's stuck."
Me: "But it's getting bigger."
GB: "It's stuck."
Me: "Maybe it's still growing."
GB: "NO. It's STUCK."
And then he gently pulled the tiny green leaf away from the plant spine that birthed it, and unrolled the edges of the leaf so it could start getting sun and growing BIGGER! Now that it's unstuck. The 3-day-old baby leaf on his hanging plant.
I need sleep.
Sunday, January 3
Whelmed
My family has a lot of inside jokes. "Whelmed" is one of them. Basically, if you aren't really OVERwhelmed, but are still coping with challenge, you're "whelmed."
On Friday, I was overwhelmed. Today, I'm just whelmed. See, I spent last week moving. Specifically, I spent it moving in with GB, my beau. And I'm not done yet. This is one of those moves where I had to specifically hold every little tiny hair clip, paper scrap, old T-shirt, etc, and decide if it was something I NEEDED TO KEEP. Then I had to look at it again and decide (if I'm not keeping it) HOW to get rid of it most effectively and responsibly (if I'm keeping it) whether it goes in storage or into the limited space of GB's 1-bedroom, no-living room apartment.
Plus there are two teenage cats with NO PARENTAL GUIDANCE living in parts of the house, and there's a hard-headed old alpha dog who MUST HERD CATS. So it's been a bit of a challenge carving out ways for MY cat to transition into the space. As it is, the cats are kept separate for now, but every time my kitty gets off the bed, the dog walks around a half-step behind her and looms with intent to play. She is not amused. Nor is she willing to offer up her butt for daily doggy inspection. The dog is very worried. Not only is he the only one in the household NOT allowed on the bed, but he hasn't gotten to sniff the cat's butt yet today.
The other two hellcats? A little after midnight they tried to jump from my computer keyboard across to the one 5x5 inch empty space on the top of my shelf unit. And knocked everything else off the top of the shelf in the process. Loudly. And if I ever CATCH them (this is not exactly likely-- they are very fast), they will LEARN not to mess with mama. sigh...
The good news is that GB fixed me a yummy breakfast yesterday morning, even tho it wasn't Sunday yet. And he's been very patient with all the boxes and stuff that hasn't found a home yet. Also, nothing broke when the hellcats rearranged my desk and shelf after midnight last night. And I have 25 pounds of fresh kittylitter in the passenger seat of my car. This is a very good thing. Especially since it's still in its litter bag, and I'll be able to bring it into the house later this morning.
And, can I tell you, for all the times I've gotten internet service, not once has it been simple to connect my Macintosh to the internet. There has always been a special fee or a special website that I had to visit and get special instructions. But last night? GB plugged in my Mac, plugged the other end to the router, and VOILA! I had internet.
Oh, happy day!
Ok. Have to go. Mobbed by two hellcats and a very concerned hard-headed old alpha dog. For all the immediate challenges, I can't help believing that this year is going to be a great improvement on 2009. It was such a relief for last year to END! So-- here's to a year that is merely whelming, and not overly so. With a lot of happiness and success mixed in.
On Friday, I was overwhelmed. Today, I'm just whelmed. See, I spent last week moving. Specifically, I spent it moving in with GB, my beau. And I'm not done yet. This is one of those moves where I had to specifically hold every little tiny hair clip, paper scrap, old T-shirt, etc, and decide if it was something I NEEDED TO KEEP. Then I had to look at it again and decide (if I'm not keeping it) HOW to get rid of it most effectively and responsibly (if I'm keeping it) whether it goes in storage or into the limited space of GB's 1-bedroom, no-living room apartment.
Plus there are two teenage cats with NO PARENTAL GUIDANCE living in parts of the house, and there's a hard-headed old alpha dog who MUST HERD CATS. So it's been a bit of a challenge carving out ways for MY cat to transition into the space. As it is, the cats are kept separate for now, but every time my kitty gets off the bed, the dog walks around a half-step behind her and looms with intent to play. She is not amused. Nor is she willing to offer up her butt for daily doggy inspection. The dog is very worried. Not only is he the only one in the household NOT allowed on the bed, but he hasn't gotten to sniff the cat's butt yet today.
The other two hellcats? A little after midnight they tried to jump from my computer keyboard across to the one 5x5 inch empty space on the top of my shelf unit. And knocked everything else off the top of the shelf in the process. Loudly. And if I ever CATCH them (this is not exactly likely-- they are very fast), they will LEARN not to mess with mama. sigh...
The good news is that GB fixed me a yummy breakfast yesterday morning, even tho it wasn't Sunday yet. And he's been very patient with all the boxes and stuff that hasn't found a home yet. Also, nothing broke when the hellcats rearranged my desk and shelf after midnight last night. And I have 25 pounds of fresh kittylitter in the passenger seat of my car. This is a very good thing. Especially since it's still in its litter bag, and I'll be able to bring it into the house later this morning.
And, can I tell you, for all the times I've gotten internet service, not once has it been simple to connect my Macintosh to the internet. There has always been a special fee or a special website that I had to visit and get special instructions. But last night? GB plugged in my Mac, plugged the other end to the router, and VOILA! I had internet.
Oh, happy day!
Ok. Have to go. Mobbed by two hellcats and a very concerned hard-headed old alpha dog. For all the immediate challenges, I can't help believing that this year is going to be a great improvement on 2009. It was such a relief for last year to END! So-- here's to a year that is merely whelming, and not overly so. With a lot of happiness and success mixed in.
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