Just Perfect

They don't make my perfect cell phone yet. Since they keep trying to add features without actually getting rid of any-- and this keeps them from actually making smaller phones-- they probably never will. See, I want a small phone that can fit in those dagm excuses of a pocket that girl-jeans come with (therefore small means thin, and short-- very thin, and pretty darn short!). I want that small phone to get REALLY GOOD reception (which is why I use Verizon, actually-- best reception in most locations of any service I know). I want it to get really good reception, AND have a battery life of about 5 days. And none of this "slowly losing battery life" crap. I'd also like it to have a little flat loop hole at one end, like cameras do, for a handle strap or a carabiner.

I don't want ANY BUTTONS on the outside except one small inset one on the top that lets you shoot a call straight to voicemail if you don't want to take it, or are in a meeting (but that you can't accidentally push by keeping the phone in your pocket or something), and which same button doesn't do anything when you open the phone. I want it to be a clamshell phone that opens to reveal the buttons-- opens with a very sturdy hinge, and closes firmly, too, no less, and with a large font on the screen. I want a button for getting messages, and a button for accessing the calendar. I also want a button that lets you go back one function step (or turn off the alarm in one simple push-of-a-button) like my current "back" button does-- because there are too many features on phones now, and sometimes I find myself faced with a question I don't know the answer to. It's SO nice to be able to go back a step and see what other questions I could have ended up with, without having to answer the unknown question first!!

I want all of this to come in an actual METAL CASE-- like the old Motorola 60's did. They were small, had amazing reception, long battery life, and after being dropped almost daily and covered in paint shmears, the phone never had a battery disconnect or other problems. Never. Until it died, and I found out they don't make it anymore. And I want that metal case to come in about ten colors. Like metallic bug green, and apple red, and cool purple, and bronze, and black, and grey, and silver, and pumpkin, and so on.

I don't want video or music in the phone. I have an i-pod and a cam-corder for that. I want the phone to have no camera (or else an 8 mega pixel resolution camera that takes the photo the mili-second you hit the button, and not 2 seconds later), and the only internet I want is for it to be able to access maps of all US streets-- and to zoom in on an address or a general part of town, so I could see where I was vs where I meant to be. And I want an option to receive emergency bulletins from local news channels and law enforcement agencies-- to be set to a 10-mile radius of my billing zip code or something. And maybe be able to choose between 3 levels of "emergency" so I don't get every fire or whatever reported to my phone. ... but I do find out if the volcano blows again, or a hurricane hits or something.

I also want an option in the tools that tells me how many minutes I have left on my plan for the month (and doesn't count the in-calling minutes I've used, since they don't count against my plan minutes). I want another option in tools for calculating tips (and discounts)-- not a calculator exactly, but you enter the basic cost of food (within say 50 cents), and say what percentage you want to calculate-- 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90. I do want a really good range of ring tone options-- from classical to hip-hop to good ol' ring-rings and silly fart noises. I'd love a button you can push to make a voice recording for quick notes to self or confusing directions from the boss-- and an easy way to access them later, with a little icon on the screen to let you know when you DID record something.

I want to be able to CHOOSE all the buttons that appear on the main screen (except the main menu button, of course). I want at least three alarms that I can set. I want it to be really easy to use the calendar feature (the razor actually has a great calendar system in it). I want the option to hook the phone directly to the computer so I can download all my addresses and contact info and photos (if there is a camera) into my computer. I also want to be able to use my hands-free NON-ENERGY-CONSUMING ear-bud. So a spot to plug that in would be nice. (Most of the new phones don't have anything but blue-tooth anymore if you want hands-free.) I also want the display on the outside of the phone to tell me the phone number or name of the caller BEFORE I answer the call. And NOT to have a streaming message on it. I don't care what the message says-- I TYPED IT IN, so what's the point?! And I have to wait for the whole damn thing to scroll past before I can see the date and time again.

I don't need to check my email from my phone. I don't need to check the stock market or the weather on my phone. I don't need to make videos or listen to music via my phone. I do need to be able to drop it into my pocket without worrying about breaking it, pushing any buttons on it accidentally, hurting myself trying to sit down, making holes in my pants because the pocket is too small for the phone I've shoved in it, and so on. And I'd like that basic phone to cost about $100, so it doesn't hurt my wallet, either. That's what I want. I'd buy that.


I want the perfect pair of jeans, too. Ones that aren't so long I have to roll them up twice to keep them from dragging through every mud puddle and piece of ABC gum on the sidewalk. Ones that actually have enough space for my butt in them-- but don't gape open about 5 inches at the waist because of it. Ones that don't get holes in the knees and crotch after only 2 years of basic non-demanding wear. Ones where the zipper stays up, and the legs stay down, even if I sit. NON-STRETCH ones so they aren't a totally different size after I've worn them for 4 hours, but with a bit of give so I don't hurt myself bending over. Jeans that have a nice sturdy button above the zipper, and not a snap-- and that have a well-sized button hole so it isn't either coming undone when I walk or alternately making me pee my pants because I can't get the dagm things undone in the bathroom after lunch! I want them to have the same quality high-endurance construction that boy's jeans have. And I want them to have the same low price, too. Under $60 for a decent pair.
Yeah! I'd buy that! I'd buy TEN of that!!


You know what else I want? The perfect blanket for my bed. One that is long enough to pull over my head, but still tuck in at the bottom AND have room for my toes to wiggle. One that is warm without being super heavy, but that breathes so I'm not sweating after being under it for 3 hours, even when my feet are still cold. (I hate that.) One that can be both washed AND DRIED in your average home washer/dryer. And it doesn't stain the other clothes it's washed with, either.
Yeah. I'd buy that.


And another thing! The perfect cable package. Yes. I'm dreaming big tonight. I want to be able to pick my ten favorite channels from ALL THE CHANNELS (except maybe the all-movie ones like Starz and HBO), for about $20 a month. I mean all the channels-- TLC, SCI-FI, CNN, Local News, Learning Channel, HGTV, TRAVEL, Cooking, etc. Then add any 2 special-topic channels (like HBO or the ALL-BASKET BALL ones) for an extra $5 a month, if you want them. Add in tivo at any point for an extra $10, and I'd gladly pay it. Then you could add in sets of two specialty channels for another $5 each, and ten additional other channels for another $10.

People would end up getting maybe 1/3 the channels you can get now for the price-- but they could pay a lower price to get only the channels they actually want to watch. Maybe even have one week every 4 months where people can try out ALL THE CHANNELS, and see if they want to upgrade or switch around which channels they get for the next 4 months or something... I tell you, this would be the most popular plan ever. I don't WANT 75+ channels, if half of them play the exact same thing, and 2/3 of them don't play anything I ever want to watch-- but I still have to flip through them when I'm LOOKING for something to watch!
Yeah. I'd buy that.


And breakfast cereals! Every time I find one that has some protein AND some flavor-- they stop making it. I'm on my fourth breakfast cereal, and each one is worse tasting than the one before. It is a verifiable fact that you need MORE PROTEIN for breakfast to get through your day with more energy. But it is a struggle to find a cold cereal that offers more than 3 grams of protein in a serving. WHY IS THAT??? For a while, there was a cereal that combined a bunch of fairly healthy ones so it had 5 grams of protein, and lots of different flavors. I loved it. It tasted good. It WORKED! And they stopped making it about a year ago. Then, I found one that actually had some berries in it, plus 7 grams protein, and with vanilla soy milk, it even tasted okay. But nobody carries it as of about 3 weeks ago. So I found a cereal that claims 15 grams, but has NO FLAVOR and NOTHING BUT FLAKES in it-- and I eat it if I know I've got a long day with no snacks in it... but I'd like to look forward to breakfast, ya know?

It's just a sad state of affairs. I mean, really. I'm okay with strange lunches, and I've managed to calm down about the way they make T-shirts without sleeves these days. I can even handle the strange and limited selection of alarm clock features I found in December... but... We're talking about some of my favorite things in life-- cell phones, jeans, warm blankets, good TV, and breakfast! And I, for one, would like each of them to be available in a form (and at a price) that is just perfect for me. Is that really asking too much?