SLM-- don't read this right now. It'll only make you cry, and you need to learn to laugh again instead. I love you, my friend. And I am thinking hugs and home-cooked comfort food in your direction, though I know you probably don't feel like eating.
---
I have been sitting here-- and on GB's sofa-- for the past several days, worrying and worrying about money. Feeling that no matter how hard I tried, there would be no way to make ends meet on my own-- or even at all. And I have worried, and cried, and been generally unhappy with the way of my work opportunities and with my own inability to make things work out "right" with my budget this month.
Finally, I sent my best friend an email, with all my worry about money and my dwindling choices packed into it. With my disappointment that I couldn't make my life turn out the way I want it to-- financially.
And she called me back, and told me that her dog-- her best friend of the past thirteen and a half years, since just before she and I became friends-- her Aussie has stopped eating. She is skin and bones, and she is dying. And there is nothing my friend can do to change this reality. There is no way for her to make the outcome what she wants. That she is scared to even consider the future that waits for her after that final trip to the Vet with Aussie tomorrow morning.
And I realized how narrow my worry has been, how shallow. I realized that I am blessed in the most important parts of my life. I have my family, my cat, my friends. I am so rich in love and in having. And I wish with all my heart that my best friend and Aussie could be spared the pain of this loss, the worry and fear of this decision. I wish I could be there to hold them both at the end.
It is in the heart that the greatest tragedies are weathered, and in the heart that the greatest loves and the greatest fears are embraced. And Aussie has been my best friend's heart for so very many years now.
And after we discussed all this in a not-quite direct way, so that we could put off really feeling just how deep this pain goes, just a little longer, and only feel the beginnings of the hole Aussie is leaving in her heart... That's when my best friend turned the conversation to me, and told me that it's okay to need help. It's okay NOT to face everything alone. She reminded me that I've been facing my challenges alone my whole life-- and maybe now that GB is here, it's time to let someone help me. I don't know what it is about death that makes the living so wise... but it does.
And if tears were money, I'd never have to worry about such foolish things as budgets and banks again. I overflow with this terrible richness of feeling. How much worse it must be for her. The sorrow I feel for my friend brings understanding of just how important such a friendship is in my life. In some ways she's right-- I have overcome huge obstacles to reach this point in my life, and I've done it by myself. But yet, she herself (and others like her) has often been there supporting me. And now it is my turn.
Please let me be worthy of the gifts that fill my life. Of the deep friendships, and the trust that is so easily given to me by friends and strangers alike. And let me guide them through their pain and back into harmony with the cycle of life-- as I have been guided by them.
Please don't let Aussie suffer, and help my best friend's heart to heal.
And thank you, whoever you are, for the reminder of what is truly worthy of tears.
Monday, June 8
Tuesday, June 2
Entangled
Well, having done a bit of fishing on that PlentyOfFish site, I actually caught somebody. Or he caught me. Well, regardless, we're spending a lot of time together. So I guess I'm now an advocate of some judicial dating websitery. Though there were quite a few potential catches that I threw back so they'd have more time to mature...
This particular euphamism is SO MUCH FUN TO PLAY WITH!!! Even if I can't spell it.
Ahem-- So. It's been nearly a month since I met the Boy, and he's pretty great. (GB for short-- as in Great Boy) I thought I had these high expectations for the next guy I would willingly get silly over, and I expected that most men I met would just fall way short of those expectations. And I wasn't going to compromise, either. Not this time.
See, I'd finally become ready to pursue dating-- but I sort of had it in the back of my head that I was still probably better off alone. Problem is, GB keeps exceeding those expectations of mine like they don't even exist. He even managed to enjoy himself at my parents' recent "Old Folks" reunion of people who knew each other before I was born. And he didn't even need any babysitting. He just went and blended right in, and ... well, it was pretty cool, really.
And now that I'm officially dating someone specific, I have a whole new list of questions you want to ask after you've been dating for a bit, but probably shouldn't... Like the ones for the initial dating scenario on the right there... only now it's been a few weeks since the first date. And I don't think I'll be posting those questions here. I like making the Boy blush, but only in private.
So he (GB) manages to mix a little bit of Romantic and Self-Confident with a whole lot of Practical and Responsible, and then throws in a heavy-handed shot of Unpredictable. It's the Unpredictable that gives our relationship its kick-- though the original ingredients definitely have their place. See, Unpredictable is a combination of Devilish, Nerdy, Thoughtful, Observant, Devilish, and Sweet.
He's not perfect. Really not. (I do wish he had a little more "communicates current intentions" in him sometimes...) But then, nobody is. I mean, take me, for example. I waited until 20 minutes before I had to leave for an appointment with my cat and her daily dose of medicine, and then I way over-communicated something to BG that I'm not sure *I* understand yet, and burst into tears all over his favorite shirt. (For reasons totally unrelated to him!) It was not my best moment, really.
The good news is that when I did it, he just hugged me, and was all calm and patient and understanding, and then he handed me a cookie and walked me to my car. And when he gets on his "doom and gloom are coming" jags, I'm pretty good at giving him a hug, and pointing out other more positive potential outcomes to the situation he's worried about-- or just something pretty I notice in the real world outside to bring him back to Earth...
The bad news is that we have pretty different tastes in movies and books... And that it's harder than I thought to say what I want and go after it regardless, once I decide to really start caring for somebody. Also, I'm realizing that it will just take a lot of time-- and checking in with MYSELF-- to really know how my expectations and I are doing in this relationship. And I mean both the expectations I have for myself, and for how I'm treated by the Boy.
Funny, that. We're both unused to being with someone so considerate as each other, and I think we have a lot of communication issues to iron out. Well, I do, anyway. A hard thing for me to acknowledge, when I've always been so gifted in the art of communication and understanding others' perspectives and motivations. But I also recognize that this would be true no matter WHICH boy I ended up dating. And I really appreciate that GB and I seem to be equally committed to figuring it all out and actually HAVING GOOD COMMUNICATION. And, really, it's only been a month. If you don't count the time we spent on email before our first date.
We'll see if he's still opening doors for me, and taking time for good two-way communication & clarification, and noticing what kind of ice cream I like-- and then buying a gallon of it for his freezer-- in another few months. We'll see if I've managed to overcome my angst about the many times when his plans and priorities make sense in a linear logical way, but mine make sense in an emotional internal logic sort of way-- and instead of acknowledging our differing priorities, I feel like a fool for not seeing things his way-- once we sort out why neither of us had the outcome we expected just now. And then I get a bit angsty about how difficult my logic is to explain or defend. Which is really a communication problem mixed with a little insecurity. And I suspect the problem isn't all on my side.
We'll see if I'm able to keep my needs and preferences separate in my mind from his-- and if I'm still making ME (and my perfectly appropriate logic) my priority-- in another few months. Because I think that's important to a healthy relationship. And I know from experience that it's really hard for me to do. But if *I* don't stay true to myself, who will?
So here I am. Entangled in my own fishing line, totally thrilled by my awesome catch, and not really sure if I'm strong enough to handle the challenging personal battle he represents. I'm not even sure what kind of fish he is yet. I just hope things stay as good over the long-term as they seem right now. Because they seem pretty awesome from where I'm sitting in this little boat for two.
This particular euphamism is SO MUCH FUN TO PLAY WITH!!! Even if I can't spell it.
Ahem-- So. It's been nearly a month since I met the Boy, and he's pretty great. (GB for short-- as in Great Boy) I thought I had these high expectations for the next guy I would willingly get silly over, and I expected that most men I met would just fall way short of those expectations. And I wasn't going to compromise, either. Not this time.
See, I'd finally become ready to pursue dating-- but I sort of had it in the back of my head that I was still probably better off alone. Problem is, GB keeps exceeding those expectations of mine like they don't even exist. He even managed to enjoy himself at my parents' recent "Old Folks" reunion of people who knew each other before I was born. And he didn't even need any babysitting. He just went and blended right in, and ... well, it was pretty cool, really.
And now that I'm officially dating someone specific, I have a whole new list of questions you want to ask after you've been dating for a bit, but probably shouldn't... Like the ones for the initial dating scenario on the right there... only now it's been a few weeks since the first date. And I don't think I'll be posting those questions here. I like making the Boy blush, but only in private.
So he (GB) manages to mix a little bit of Romantic and Self-Confident with a whole lot of Practical and Responsible, and then throws in a heavy-handed shot of Unpredictable. It's the Unpredictable that gives our relationship its kick-- though the original ingredients definitely have their place. See, Unpredictable is a combination of Devilish, Nerdy, Thoughtful, Observant, Devilish, and Sweet.
He's not perfect. Really not. (I do wish he had a little more "communicates current intentions" in him sometimes...) But then, nobody is. I mean, take me, for example. I waited until 20 minutes before I had to leave for an appointment with my cat and her daily dose of medicine, and then I way over-communicated something to BG that I'm not sure *I* understand yet, and burst into tears all over his favorite shirt. (For reasons totally unrelated to him!) It was not my best moment, really.
The good news is that when I did it, he just hugged me, and was all calm and patient and understanding, and then he handed me a cookie and walked me to my car. And when he gets on his "doom and gloom are coming" jags, I'm pretty good at giving him a hug, and pointing out other more positive potential outcomes to the situation he's worried about-- or just something pretty I notice in the real world outside to bring him back to Earth...
The bad news is that we have pretty different tastes in movies and books... And that it's harder than I thought to say what I want and go after it regardless, once I decide to really start caring for somebody. Also, I'm realizing that it will just take a lot of time-- and checking in with MYSELF-- to really know how my expectations and I are doing in this relationship. And I mean both the expectations I have for myself, and for how I'm treated by the Boy.
Funny, that. We're both unused to being with someone so considerate as each other, and I think we have a lot of communication issues to iron out. Well, I do, anyway. A hard thing for me to acknowledge, when I've always been so gifted in the art of communication and understanding others' perspectives and motivations. But I also recognize that this would be true no matter WHICH boy I ended up dating. And I really appreciate that GB and I seem to be equally committed to figuring it all out and actually HAVING GOOD COMMUNICATION. And, really, it's only been a month. If you don't count the time we spent on email before our first date.
We'll see if he's still opening doors for me, and taking time for good two-way communication & clarification, and noticing what kind of ice cream I like-- and then buying a gallon of it for his freezer-- in another few months. We'll see if I've managed to overcome my angst about the many times when his plans and priorities make sense in a linear logical way, but mine make sense in an emotional internal logic sort of way-- and instead of acknowledging our differing priorities, I feel like a fool for not seeing things his way-- once we sort out why neither of us had the outcome we expected just now. And then I get a bit angsty about how difficult my logic is to explain or defend. Which is really a communication problem mixed with a little insecurity. And I suspect the problem isn't all on my side.
We'll see if I'm able to keep my needs and preferences separate in my mind from his-- and if I'm still making ME (and my perfectly appropriate logic) my priority-- in another few months. Because I think that's important to a healthy relationship. And I know from experience that it's really hard for me to do. But if *I* don't stay true to myself, who will?
So here I am. Entangled in my own fishing line, totally thrilled by my awesome catch, and not really sure if I'm strong enough to handle the challenging personal battle he represents. I'm not even sure what kind of fish he is yet. I just hope things stay as good over the long-term as they seem right now. Because they seem pretty awesome from where I'm sitting in this little boat for two.
Sunday, May 3
Gone Fishin
So, having decided I'm ready to date... and being a woman of action...
I've informed my friends I'm available to be set up (in a good way). And then I joined a dating site. Well, actually, I joined TWO dating sites. And the first thing I learned was that the free ones work just as well as the costly ones (I'm not paying, thank you). The second thing I learned was that dating websites are popular BY REGION. So the one that works for my bff in Philly just ain't cutting it here in my neck of the Western Woods.
HOWEVER, there's another free one that my awesome housemate introduced me to, and It's called PlentyofFish. Aptly named. And then I discovered that there are RULES. UNWRITTEN RULES about using dating websites. Like-- the boys I'm emailing with all asked me a deeper relationship question ON THE FOURTH EMAIL, so apparently three good exchanges are the magic number. And boys may ask lots of leading questions about places you like to go and things you like to do... but they don't actually ask you to DO ANY OF THEM. And on the public conversation threads, questions for girls to answer are actually answered JUST AS OFTEN BY BOYS. They just don't read directions, do they. And not only that, but the boys who come across via email as "shy" seem to have gotten favorable rating stars on their profiles more often than boys who come across as Lotharios or jocks. You know how it goes-- the quiet ones usually have a lot more going on than the braggarts.
Luckily, I also got some great advice, and some great pumping up of my ego, from two of my favorite male friends, before I went fishing for boys on the interweb. And, they tell me that since THEY are boys, too, their advice is very good indeed.
So, per the advice of happily married male experts everywhere, I am being a bit selfish, very self-confident, and I am calling all the shots MY WAY. It's quite fun.
And as a result, I am now looking forward to meeting someone (who sounds really cool, very intelligent, and has an awesome motorcycle and a really cool job fighting fires and setting up aid stations after natural disasters) in a very public place to walk, talk, and find out what kind of vibe I get from him in person-- later this week. And this is after telling him I'm divorced and I'm worried about his self-esteem. Nice, huh?
I've also been invited on a hike by another nice-sounding local man, who is definitely in better shape than I am, and has now reassured me TWICE that he grew up in a household where his mom worked and his dad raised the kids, and so he's really into equality. But I'm going to run that one by some friends first. It's not as public as I'd like for a first meeting. But it's a hike I've never done in an area I told him I like hiking, and he's already made two other semi-suggestions that I vetoed. I'm really glad he keeps trying. He sounds nice. And that's to say nothing of Kirk, who lives on a farm and raises organic wheat grass for smoothies. He's shy.
The rest of the advice, which I'm keeping carefully in mind-- per my tendency to care a lot about others' well-being-- is that apparently, it is good for boys to cry into their beers over a woman once in a while. And that I'm worth going to a lot of trouble for.
Whyever it is, this advice TOTALLY freed me from guilt, worry, or nerves while "fishing." And I expect it to continue to serve me well in actual meetings with boys, and even potential SECOND MEETINGS WITH BOYS. (Look out, Trouble! I'm coming to visit, and somebody else is paying the tab!!) I love my friends.
The most bizarre thing I've learned about dating websites is that 90% of the men on them (at least in my age group) are divorced, and 75% of those have their kids on alternating weekends. Don't know why that surprised me so much... All these divorced men with kids in their early thirties.
And I find that while I'm not sure I want to make babies of my own, I don't mind the idea of occasional visits from other peoples' babies. And I have more respect for the guys who put it RIGHT OUT FRONT that whoever dates them has to understand that their kids come first. As well they should, I say! However, I'm also just as glad that the two guys I'm probably going to meet soonest don't have kids. Or so they tell me.
And the photo I used on my profile? It's of me on the beach in the middle of winter. I'm bundled head-to-toe, but I'm also totally happy because I'm on the beach. So these guys aren't picking me for my bra size. I'm sneaky like that.
So, you know, adventures in dating. I'll keep you posted.
I've informed my friends I'm available to be set up (in a good way). And then I joined a dating site. Well, actually, I joined TWO dating sites. And the first thing I learned was that the free ones work just as well as the costly ones (I'm not paying, thank you). The second thing I learned was that dating websites are popular BY REGION. So the one that works for my bff in Philly just ain't cutting it here in my neck of the Western Woods.
HOWEVER, there's another free one that my awesome housemate introduced me to, and It's called PlentyofFish. Aptly named. And then I discovered that there are RULES. UNWRITTEN RULES about using dating websites. Like-- the boys I'm emailing with all asked me a deeper relationship question ON THE FOURTH EMAIL, so apparently three good exchanges are the magic number. And boys may ask lots of leading questions about places you like to go and things you like to do... but they don't actually ask you to DO ANY OF THEM. And on the public conversation threads, questions for girls to answer are actually answered JUST AS OFTEN BY BOYS. They just don't read directions, do they. And not only that, but the boys who come across via email as "shy" seem to have gotten favorable rating stars on their profiles more often than boys who come across as Lotharios or jocks. You know how it goes-- the quiet ones usually have a lot more going on than the braggarts.
Luckily, I also got some great advice, and some great pumping up of my ego, from two of my favorite male friends, before I went fishing for boys on the interweb. And, they tell me that since THEY are boys, too, their advice is very good indeed.
So, per the advice of happily married male experts everywhere, I am being a bit selfish, very self-confident, and I am calling all the shots MY WAY. It's quite fun.
And as a result, I am now looking forward to meeting someone (who sounds really cool, very intelligent, and has an awesome motorcycle and a really cool job fighting fires and setting up aid stations after natural disasters) in a very public place to walk, talk, and find out what kind of vibe I get from him in person-- later this week. And this is after telling him I'm divorced and I'm worried about his self-esteem. Nice, huh?
I've also been invited on a hike by another nice-sounding local man, who is definitely in better shape than I am, and has now reassured me TWICE that he grew up in a household where his mom worked and his dad raised the kids, and so he's really into equality. But I'm going to run that one by some friends first. It's not as public as I'd like for a first meeting. But it's a hike I've never done in an area I told him I like hiking, and he's already made two other semi-suggestions that I vetoed. I'm really glad he keeps trying. He sounds nice. And that's to say nothing of Kirk, who lives on a farm and raises organic wheat grass for smoothies. He's shy.
The rest of the advice, which I'm keeping carefully in mind-- per my tendency to care a lot about others' well-being-- is that apparently, it is good for boys to cry into their beers over a woman once in a while. And that I'm worth going to a lot of trouble for.
Whyever it is, this advice TOTALLY freed me from guilt, worry, or nerves while "fishing." And I expect it to continue to serve me well in actual meetings with boys, and even potential SECOND MEETINGS WITH BOYS. (Look out, Trouble! I'm coming to visit, and somebody else is paying the tab!!) I love my friends.
The most bizarre thing I've learned about dating websites is that 90% of the men on them (at least in my age group) are divorced, and 75% of those have their kids on alternating weekends. Don't know why that surprised me so much... All these divorced men with kids in their early thirties.
And I find that while I'm not sure I want to make babies of my own, I don't mind the idea of occasional visits from other peoples' babies. And I have more respect for the guys who put it RIGHT OUT FRONT that whoever dates them has to understand that their kids come first. As well they should, I say! However, I'm also just as glad that the two guys I'm probably going to meet soonest don't have kids. Or so they tell me.
And the photo I used on my profile? It's of me on the beach in the middle of winter. I'm bundled head-to-toe, but I'm also totally happy because I'm on the beach. So these guys aren't picking me for my bra size. I'm sneaky like that.
So, you know, adventures in dating. I'll keep you posted.
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