Meh.

I just finished pulling myself out of a slump, and just started actually being productive and proactive in my life again (I only slumped for about a week, but I still felt guilty about it)...
WHEN SUDDENLY

I found out that the one place I'd got an inside track for getting hired hadn't even selected me to go on to the final round of interviews, and has in fact hired someone else to fill the position at this time. (the one in Minnesota) Now, logically, I know I shouldn't expect to get hired for the first job I apply to, and I know I should view the one interview I did have with this University as "practice"... but man, Shoulds SUCK, and so did that bit of news this morning. It would be very easy to drown in a sea of shoulds without even realizing it was the weight of your own inner critic that made your boat unseaworthy in storms.

I'm what you'd call "proactive." So sitting here on my hands, watching life slip by, and feeling useless and pathetic and unemployed-- it's hard on my self-esteem. And my inner critic is having a field day. I know I'm smart. I know I'm intelligent, too. (not the same thing, really)--
and I know I have a lot to offer my future employers, and my future clients/patrons. I just don't know if I'll ever get the opportunity to prove it.

In the meantime, anybody have suggestions for good places 'round here'bouts to advertise my availability as a life coach and tarot reader? 'Cause, man, I could use some positive personal reinforcement in my personal abilities and in my pocket book. I don't even want to curl up and hide from the world anymore-- I want to go out and stranghle it. Or at least go out and prove that all the hard work I've put into turning my life around and starting over and getting my MLS and overcoming all those damn obstacles in the last three years-- was WORTH THE EFFORT, dammit!

And so I say again--
Meh.

Old Hat

No shigt, there I was...
Driving home from a busy day in someone else's office. And on the way, there is the one intersection with no left turn lane, and a lot of traffic. Frustrating for everyone, I'm sure. And of course, I wanted to turn left. So I waited through one whole green light with no break in oncoming traffic-- good thing I didn't pull too far out into the intersection, because I was STUCK! And by the time the green light came around again, there were a variety of determined drivers behind me. So I pulled a little way into the intersection.

And if the guy in the blue ford right behind me hadn't been riding my bumper so close he probably couldn't even SEE my turn signal, there would have been plenty of space for them all to go AROUND me and keep on straight through that green light. But he was a minor idiot in a sea of fools at that particular moment, at that particular intersection.

And then suddenly, I SAW IT! An oncoming car lagging a bit behind the rest, with *ITS* left turn signal on, TOO! So I inched a little farther forward, and got ready to hit the gas so I could get through the darn light while it was still green-- when he made HIS left turn in front of ME! But... then I hesitated. And I'll tell you why.

I've had more than one person's share of car accidents in my lifetime, and I'm just not that old yet! And... the guy in that car with it's little left turn signal on was...

AN OLD MAN IN A HAT!!!
WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN, AND HIS LITTLE SWEET BLUE-HAIRED WIFE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, GAZING BLINDLY OUT THE SIDE WINDOW.

So I hit my brakes, and hoped the guy in the blue ford behind me didn't just run my little grey car over and be done with it... and there... there, on the other side, away from everybody else on the other side, just where he'd have to start seriously turning, in the middle of the intersection, he realized that his turn light was on, and slowly reached around the steering wheel with his left hand, and turned it off...

And if I'd assumed that he was turning (since you know, his TURN SIGNAL was on, and he'd SLOWED DOWN WHEN ENTERING THE INTERSECTION), I'd have been the author of yet another totalled car wreck. Because that old man in that hat was going to go straight THE WHOLE TIME!!!

And that, children, is why we ignore the rude drivers behind us, and concentrate on the possibility that the guy in the oncoming lane is an idiot. Just in case. And I'm sure he was a very NICE idiot, but I'm even more sure that I really didn't want to go through another car accident. Oh, and by the way, about three cars later, there was a nice big opening, and I turned, and all the cars behind me DID make it through the poorly designed intersection before the light turned red again. Even the guy at the end of the line of cars behind me, who was ALSO planning to make a left turn.

The End.

Soggy

Whatever else is or is not going on, I usually manage to keep busy. Martha Stewart busy. Like, I've got so many irons in the fire that there doesn't seem to be any room left for the logs. That kind of busy. So right now, even though I'm basically unemployed and tending toward barely contained panic about the fact that I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED JOB OFFERS (or even second round interviews) from any university libraries-- AND I TURNED DOWN THE ONE JOB OFFER I DID GET (because it wasn't a university library)... I'm not really finding any of what I'd call "free time" to apply for any MORE jobs. This is a problem.

So I quit my short-term "help someone out and get paid, but don't have to take it too seriously" job because it was taking over three days a week and Sundays. And I bid my local library a fond adieu for a few weeks because I was with them on the other two days of the week. I had a week left of those commitments (I like to give plenty of warning)... when my friend's life took a left turn, and she suddenly needed some serious levels of support. And I'm really glad I have the time to give it-- I just wish I wasn't stumbling around so much in the process. I feel like I'm taking more of her time, and offering no relief except moral support or something... but maybe I'll get more efficient, and maybe that's all she needed from me in the first place.

Hold on, my cat is trying to knock over the lamp again...

And I'm going to have this booth at this festival-- THIS WEEKEND... which has taken more time to prepare for than I'd realized, and which I'm really excited about... but it still takes time. And my dad's birthday was this month, so I went and visited my folks for a few days-- which was fun, and I rediscovered the joys of making baskets with my mom and all... but no jobs were applied for in the process. Maybe I just need to win the lottery so I can continue to go from friend to friend and from place to place, sewing good intentions and running the occasional helpful errand... and still be able to pay off my credit cards from college.

Or, maybe I just need to shore up my patience and my hopeful outlook once again, and MAKE TIME to apply for more library jobs in the near future. Maybe I should just grab my calendar right now, and budget one day a week as "Get-R-Done Day"... hang on, my calendar is in the other room...

Well, "other room" is a relative term. I'm lucky to have the space I have, and it's pleasant enough, though I miss having access to direct sunlight... it's just that I've probably got less than 300sf of living space here, and most of it is filled with someone else's things. And after a while, one begins to miss having a space that is truly "her own." And yet, if I didn't have this space, I'd be in real trouble. And I love the people who have lent it to me. I know they miss having the use of the space I currently occupy, and they went out of their way to make it usable while I'm here. It's a common situation, I think, to experience multiple emotions relating to a single reality-- and to be slightly overwhelmed by the complexity of feeling that such a simple event can spark. Another great example would have been the evening I was offered the public library job, and I turned it down.

Sometimes, I still wonder if I did the right thing. If I'd accepted, I'd be employed right now. And it was a good situation, with lots of opportunities for training, innovation, and outreach. The very things I want to be doing. Instead, I chose to bet that an even better fit was waiting for me, just around the corner. That I'd have other opportunities with situations that better fit my personal desires at this point. And so I wait. And wonder if my lack of confidence feeds my lack of realization of those desires, or if the lack of action on the "better job search front" feeds my flagging confidence in my previous choice.

I see the economy nosing down, I see that in a year or a few years, anyone who is still employed will be lucky, and that our nation will have to go through some truly painful changes in order to survive at all... and I wonder if I just threw away my best bet at a secure future. But I also think that universities and colleges are more likely to continue having funding than public libraries, and there is a spark inside me that refuses to be snuffed by circumstance. If I look closely enough at that little flame, I know that I do believe I'll get a good job offer, and that I'll make it through. That I'll eventually look back and realize that this was another opportunity-- a gift from the universe to further my learning and deepen my connection with both suffering and with joy. But right now, I feel soggy.

That sensation of being damp down to my underwear, cold, uncomfortable, and unrealized. Well, I guess that means its the perfect time for a hot shower, a hairdryer, and a project to complete before dinner. I never realized before how much my enjoyment of dancing in the rain depended on the sure knowledge that I had a warm home, a hot & healthy meal, and a change of clothes waiting for me at the end of the journey.