Okay. I don't need a frog. I need a toad. My old "gotta be me, and I'm weird" bumper sticker was a toad. And that means its time to visit Hot Topic at the mall. And hope that music group (or whatever it was) is still "in."
Toads being, strangely, the symbol of Hecate, the Goddess of the waning moon, universal wisdom, women's intuition, transition and crossroads, herbal healing, and -oh, yeah- witches. Which will keep me from using that "I heart Herbs!" one, and possibly also the "Dirt Worshiping Tree Hugger" one. Probably save me from a few nasty looks, too, especially if my new job is anywhere that's not here. Anything I can do to stay safe in my new car is GOOD, people. I promise, no incriminating baggie of dried coconut in the glove box, either.
Also, I have a bumper sticker somewhere that says "Normal People Worry Me" which will go on the FRONT of the car. My good friend, SLM, has promised me an Evil Bunny, and an "Eat a Lime" bumper sticker, so I'm good there... And I'm saving the one I found that says "Outrageous Older Woman" for my 60th birthday. Trust me-- I'll still have it.
Anything else you've seen that really REALLY needs to be permanently affixed to my car? Because I'm starting to think that's enough, really. For a small car with no hiney to speak of.
Friday, January 4
Thursday, January 3
Easier in an Email
...Plus it is WAY past your bedtime, and you need your sleep.
An open letter... with lots of intended recipients...
(partly because it was so cathartic to write... and partly because I realized that I owed this explanation to a lot more people than received the original email...)
Getting mad because you were offering me a suggestion about being more productive in my job hunt made me stop and think tonight. I really don't want us butting heads. I can't think of much worse that could happen, actually, for me. Not that we always have to agree, but more that you are such an important friend, and that your advice is nearly always worth listening to. The fact that I was so self-absorbed in doing things MY WAY made me wonder what exactly I was feeling so defensive ABOUT!
So... I finally realized just how NOT WELL I'm dealing with my responsibilities lately. And I suspect that any suggestions you have offered lately probably HAVE been met with grumpy resistance on my part. I wanted to apologize for that. It means a lot to me that you are always there to cheer me on-- even when I'm too stubborn and too overwhelmed to appreciate it. So... I'm going to try and be a little less self-absorbed, and a little more self-aware, and maybe be a better friend for you, too. I know you could use a good friend right now, and I haven't felt like I was really helping you much lately. You're important to me.
But, back to me. My favorite subject lately, even when you've had more important problems to discuss.
I think I'm just really afraid of the future right now. And this whole not knowing whether I'll find a job to go to or if I can really honestly support myself financially, and having to put most of my stuff in storage again-- it's all normal and fine, and it'll probably turn out okay, I know.
But it also all is very similar to the situation I was in when I moved out of my ex's apartment two years ago. Right down to the time of year. I don't have an angry, hurt husband this time-- and I think I've got more stuff, if that's possible. But I'm hoping that now I realize why I've been so paralyzed by the situations I'm currently facing, and why I've had SO MUCH fear in relation to this move and job-hunt... It's really been paralyzing. Maybe I can move forward a little better, now. Because while I know it's irrational... it's still THERE, you know?
...and maybe recognizing it will help me stop dreaming about vampires every night...
I don't know that I'll be any better about taking suggestions for a while-- I'm already so afraid of failure that sometimes I hear a desire to help as more criticism. Sad, but true. But as of February, I've decided to stop nannying. Two final days in Feb, and that's it. I'm hoping that one huge stress off my back will help me be more productive in searching for career-oriented jobs and doing what's best for me instead of doing what's easiest, the way I have done lately. Also, I'm hoping I'll have more energy to be there for you. I'm going to try not to use any more lame excuses about why I'm where I am in my job-hunt, or complain as much, either.
It's hard to admit I'm not doing everything I could be doing to improve my own situation, especial to people whose good opinion I care about as much as I do yours. So... I could be applying for more jobs than I have done so far. Three job apps in three months isn't a great average. But I have a plan for that, now. I could also spend less time reading books or watching movies or puttering around in my apartment... and have a lot more time to get the things on my list accomplished. Maybe having access to less stuff will help with that, once I move.
But mostly, I realized that I'm so tired from worrying and tired from feeling like I'm NOT meeting anybody's expectations (especially my own) and tired from getting over all the emotional shit that comes with a divorce and a graduate program and a big debt load and a new career and a new life and a new home (or two or three).... It isn't easy to face doing something new or difficult when I'm always drained. And these things just take time to work through. I should know-- I've been working through these same things for two years now. (but not the vampire dreams-- those started right after Christmas...) I probably need to sit back and recognize just how much I HAVE accomplished in the last two years, and just how far I've actually come emotionally. That might help... Anyway-
I'm going to do it. I'll get a good job, get by until then on the money I have saved up, get moved, get my shgit together, get over it... But I sorta wanted to explain to you what's going on with me lately. You may already know it, or maybe I did my whole "hide the problems" thing again, or maybe I just haven't called you in a few months-- I really don't know. Hence the long email. And the apology.
p.s.
I also finally figured out that my downstairs neighbor has been smoking at night, and that's why my allergies and my sleep are so bad all the time here. So maybe moving out will also help with some of my stress.
Glad to have you in my life. Just wanted to say that in case I haven't been acting that way lately.
-Me.
An open letter... with lots of intended recipients...
(partly because it was so cathartic to write... and partly because I realized that I owed this explanation to a lot more people than received the original email...)
Getting mad because you were offering me a suggestion about being more productive in my job hunt made me stop and think tonight. I really don't want us butting heads. I can't think of much worse that could happen, actually, for me. Not that we always have to agree, but more that you are such an important friend, and that your advice is nearly always worth listening to. The fact that I was so self-absorbed in doing things MY WAY made me wonder what exactly I was feeling so defensive ABOUT!
So... I finally realized just how NOT WELL I'm dealing with my responsibilities lately. And I suspect that any suggestions you have offered lately probably HAVE been met with grumpy resistance on my part. I wanted to apologize for that. It means a lot to me that you are always there to cheer me on-- even when I'm too stubborn and too overwhelmed to appreciate it. So... I'm going to try and be a little less self-absorbed, and a little more self-aware, and maybe be a better friend for you, too. I know you could use a good friend right now, and I haven't felt like I was really helping you much lately. You're important to me.
But, back to me. My favorite subject lately, even when you've had more important problems to discuss.
I think I'm just really afraid of the future right now. And this whole not knowing whether I'll find a job to go to or if I can really honestly support myself financially, and having to put most of my stuff in storage again-- it's all normal and fine, and it'll probably turn out okay, I know.
But it also all is very similar to the situation I was in when I moved out of my ex's apartment two years ago. Right down to the time of year. I don't have an angry, hurt husband this time-- and I think I've got more stuff, if that's possible. But I'm hoping that now I realize why I've been so paralyzed by the situations I'm currently facing, and why I've had SO MUCH fear in relation to this move and job-hunt... It's really been paralyzing. Maybe I can move forward a little better, now. Because while I know it's irrational... it's still THERE, you know?
...and maybe recognizing it will help me stop dreaming about vampires every night...
I don't know that I'll be any better about taking suggestions for a while-- I'm already so afraid of failure that sometimes I hear a desire to help as more criticism. Sad, but true. But as of February, I've decided to stop nannying. Two final days in Feb, and that's it. I'm hoping that one huge stress off my back will help me be more productive in searching for career-oriented jobs and doing what's best for me instead of doing what's easiest, the way I have done lately. Also, I'm hoping I'll have more energy to be there for you. I'm going to try not to use any more lame excuses about why I'm where I am in my job-hunt, or complain as much, either.
It's hard to admit I'm not doing everything I could be doing to improve my own situation, especial to people whose good opinion I care about as much as I do yours. So... I could be applying for more jobs than I have done so far. Three job apps in three months isn't a great average. But I have a plan for that, now. I could also spend less time reading books or watching movies or puttering around in my apartment... and have a lot more time to get the things on my list accomplished. Maybe having access to less stuff will help with that, once I move.
But mostly, I realized that I'm so tired from worrying and tired from feeling like I'm NOT meeting anybody's expectations (especially my own) and tired from getting over all the emotional shit that comes with a divorce and a graduate program and a big debt load and a new career and a new life and a new home (or two or three).... It isn't easy to face doing something new or difficult when I'm always drained. And these things just take time to work through. I should know-- I've been working through these same things for two years now. (but not the vampire dreams-- those started right after Christmas...) I probably need to sit back and recognize just how much I HAVE accomplished in the last two years, and just how far I've actually come emotionally. That might help... Anyway-
I'm going to do it. I'll get a good job, get by until then on the money I have saved up, get moved, get my shgit together, get over it... But I sorta wanted to explain to you what's going on with me lately. You may already know it, or maybe I did my whole "hide the problems" thing again, or maybe I just haven't called you in a few months-- I really don't know. Hence the long email. And the apology.
p.s.
I also finally figured out that my downstairs neighbor has been smoking at night, and that's why my allergies and my sleep are so bad all the time here. So maybe moving out will also help with some of my stress.
Glad to have you in my life. Just wanted to say that in case I haven't been acting that way lately.
-Me.
Tuesday, January 1
Moving On
I've decided that Christmas Cards this year are a total wash. Just not on my top ten priorities list, and not likely to get there before February. Sigh. So I guess I'm saving myself some money for next year, right? Except next year, I had hoped to have time to MAKE my cards again, thus justifying some small portion of the ridiculous money I spent on stamps, paper, etc between 2004-2006. Oh, well. I think I really spent that money because it meant I could spent those four hours a month with a really cool group of non-military women. And for that, it was TOTALLY worth every penny.
In other news, I LOVE my new car. I haven't tabulated the gas mileage yet, but the fact that I was able to drive for something like five hours straight without going below 1/4 tank? Happy. I also find that I like being able to close the trunk, and know nobody can see all the crap I've stored there. And the 6 CD-changer is nice. And the built-in Blue Tooth capability. That's a new one on me. Built-in wireless phoning. On my steering wheel. But now that I've programmed in the voice-recognized phone numbers I'm most likely to call in heavy traffic (usually because that means I'm STUCK in heavy traffic, and going to be late), I think I'm a convert.
Especially with my recent commitment to SERIOUSLY SAFE DRIVING. SERIOUSLY. I wasn't sure I'd be okay talking on the phone (or any other not-so-safe thing you always end up doing in the car) ever again after the accident, but... well... Being able to push a single button and start talking to the air, and then push another single button and be disconnected-- I feel fairly safe with that system.
Now all I need is a frog. Bumper sticker. For my car. To replace the one I lost with the CR-V. And I have to decide whether or not it'd be a good thing to put my "I heart herbs!" bumper sticker on my car. Especially since I do buy dried herbs like lavender and comfrey and peppermint and Nettle from a local herbalist on a fairly regular basis... It's like the time a friend found my stash of unsweetened finely-grated coconut in the glove compartment. A nice fine white powdery blob of COCONUT in a little plastic baggie... Yeah.
Anyway, Did I tell you I found three different emergency medical kits in the CR-V when I cleaned it out? I threw out the moldy one (yuck!), and put the best of the remaining two into the new vehicle. Once I get my little sample carpet square back in the trunk (for if I get stuck on ice or in snow-- before that I had clumping cat litter. I hadn't really thought that one thru...), I'll be good to go. After all, it IS winter.
I've agreed to nanny through January. I'm determined to actually do the 2-3 posts a week I was originally hired to do for LJ online. I've got a short web-design job lined up for an aunt of mine, and I'm moving to a new temporary apartment until I get a full time job, or until it stops being a good place for me to be. I'm also trying to cut my belongings (clothing, books, furniture, archives, sundry craft supplies, and paper-saving tendencies) down by about 1/3 before I move. Somehow, being done with school has not had the "time-suddenly-available" effect on my life that I'd hoped for.
And somewhere in all this, I still do need to be applying for actual LIBRARIAN JOBS. I'm really determined that my next real job will pay more than $10 an hour. Like, maybe, $20-30 an hour instead. After all, I have a terminal master's degree now. And I'm going to be paying for it for a long time. Loooooooooooonnnngggggggg Tiiiiiimmmmmmeee
Yes.Terminally.
Beyond that, I feel rather silly, and thought I'd share the laugh with you-- at myself, as usual. See, I was starting to realize that I don't want too much furniture that I can't lift (or at least shove back and forth) by myself. And I want to give back to people all the stuff they've been so great about loaning me over the last two years. So I'm planning to return the borrowed, customized, 300 lb TV to my really awesome friend H. And with that gone, I started to wonder how I'd watch my "relax and vegetate" movies... so I thought about getting a new cheap TV (they don't exist), or maybe just a computer screen (totally possible, but actually MORE expensive), and then I remembered that some guy at a party said it was cheaper for him to just get a projector and project his movies on the wall... (yeah, right)... So I called an expert. Well, actually, I called the expert's wife. (Hi James!) And he clarified that it is VERY expensive to buy a computer screen with normal DVD-player hookups in it. But, he agreed with his wife that I could probably watch my DVDs on MY EXISTING COMPUTER for quite a few months before I wore out the DVD/CD drive. Oh.
Right. I HAVE a computer that can play movies. Duh.
Thank goodness I talked to a few sensible people before I went and broke my budget. Again. And actually, having tested it, my computer has better resolution and clearer sound than the really really BIG TV that I'm borrowing. And I can lift it, all by myself. So now I'm wondering if they don't make external computer DVD-reading hard drives for cheap... so I can keep from wearing out the one inside my computer. And I'm not quite sure what to do with my perfectly good fairly new DVD player. Also, I realize that I'm going to miss the personalized cup-holder in the old TV. Somewhat.
In other news, I LOVE my new car. I haven't tabulated the gas mileage yet, but the fact that I was able to drive for something like five hours straight without going below 1/4 tank? Happy. I also find that I like being able to close the trunk, and know nobody can see all the crap I've stored there. And the 6 CD-changer is nice. And the built-in Blue Tooth capability. That's a new one on me. Built-in wireless phoning. On my steering wheel. But now that I've programmed in the voice-recognized phone numbers I'm most likely to call in heavy traffic (usually because that means I'm STUCK in heavy traffic, and going to be late), I think I'm a convert.
Especially with my recent commitment to SERIOUSLY SAFE DRIVING. SERIOUSLY. I wasn't sure I'd be okay talking on the phone (or any other not-so-safe thing you always end up doing in the car) ever again after the accident, but... well... Being able to push a single button and start talking to the air, and then push another single button and be disconnected-- I feel fairly safe with that system.
Now all I need is a frog. Bumper sticker. For my car. To replace the one I lost with the CR-V. And I have to decide whether or not it'd be a good thing to put my "I heart herbs!" bumper sticker on my car. Especially since I do buy dried herbs like lavender and comfrey and peppermint and Nettle from a local herbalist on a fairly regular basis... It's like the time a friend found my stash of unsweetened finely-grated coconut in the glove compartment. A nice fine white powdery blob of COCONUT in a little plastic baggie... Yeah.
Anyway, Did I tell you I found three different emergency medical kits in the CR-V when I cleaned it out? I threw out the moldy one (yuck!), and put the best of the remaining two into the new vehicle. Once I get my little sample carpet square back in the trunk (for if I get stuck on ice or in snow-- before that I had clumping cat litter. I hadn't really thought that one thru...), I'll be good to go. After all, it IS winter.
I've agreed to nanny through January. I'm determined to actually do the 2-3 posts a week I was originally hired to do for LJ online. I've got a short web-design job lined up for an aunt of mine, and I'm moving to a new temporary apartment until I get a full time job, or until it stops being a good place for me to be. I'm also trying to cut my belongings (clothing, books, furniture, archives, sundry craft supplies, and paper-saving tendencies) down by about 1/3 before I move. Somehow, being done with school has not had the "time-suddenly-available" effect on my life that I'd hoped for.
And somewhere in all this, I still do need to be applying for actual LIBRARIAN JOBS. I'm really determined that my next real job will pay more than $10 an hour. Like, maybe, $20-30 an hour instead. After all, I have a terminal master's degree now. And I'm going to be paying for it for a long time. Loooooooooooonnnngggggggg Tiiiiiimmmmmmeee
Yes.Terminally.
Beyond that, I feel rather silly, and thought I'd share the laugh with you-- at myself, as usual. See, I was starting to realize that I don't want too much furniture that I can't lift (or at least shove back and forth) by myself. And I want to give back to people all the stuff they've been so great about loaning me over the last two years. So I'm planning to return the borrowed, customized, 300 lb TV to my really awesome friend H. And with that gone, I started to wonder how I'd watch my "relax and vegetate" movies... so I thought about getting a new cheap TV (they don't exist), or maybe just a computer screen (totally possible, but actually MORE expensive), and then I remembered that some guy at a party said it was cheaper for him to just get a projector and project his movies on the wall... (yeah, right)... So I called an expert. Well, actually, I called the expert's wife. (Hi James!) And he clarified that it is VERY expensive to buy a computer screen with normal DVD-player hookups in it. But, he agreed with his wife that I could probably watch my DVDs on MY EXISTING COMPUTER for quite a few months before I wore out the DVD/CD drive. Oh.
Right. I HAVE a computer that can play movies. Duh.
Thank goodness I talked to a few sensible people before I went and broke my budget. Again. And actually, having tested it, my computer has better resolution and clearer sound than the really really BIG TV that I'm borrowing. And I can lift it, all by myself. So now I'm wondering if they don't make external computer DVD-reading hard drives for cheap... so I can keep from wearing out the one inside my computer. And I'm not quite sure what to do with my perfectly good fairly new DVD player. Also, I realize that I'm going to miss the personalized cup-holder in the old TV. Somewhat.
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