Easier in an Email

...Plus it is WAY past your bedtime, and you need your sleep.

An open letter... with lots of intended recipients...
(partly because it was so cathartic to write... and partly because I realized that I owed this explanation to a lot more people than received the original email...)

Getting mad because you were offering me a suggestion about being more productive in my job hunt made me stop and think tonight. I really don't want us butting heads. I can't think of much worse that could happen, actually, for me. Not that we always have to agree, but more that you are such an important friend, and that your advice is nearly always worth listening to. The fact that I was so self-absorbed in doing things MY WAY made me wonder what exactly I was feeling so defensive ABOUT!

So... I finally realized just how NOT WELL I'm dealing with my responsibilities lately. And I suspect that any suggestions you have offered lately probably HAVE been met with grumpy resistance on my part. I wanted to apologize for that. It means a lot to me that you are always there to cheer me on-- even when I'm too stubborn and too overwhelmed to appreciate it. So... I'm going to try and be a little less self-absorbed, and a little more self-aware, and maybe be a better friend for you, too. I know you could use a good friend right now, and I haven't felt like I was really helping you much lately. You're important to me.

But, back to me. My favorite subject lately, even when you've had more important problems to discuss.

I think I'm just really afraid of the future right now. And this whole not knowing whether I'll find a job to go to or if I can really honestly support myself financially, and having to put most of my stuff in storage again-- it's all normal and fine, and it'll probably turn out okay, I know.

But it also all is very similar to the situation I was in when I moved out of my ex's apartment two years ago. Right down to the time of year. I don't have an angry, hurt husband this time-- and I think I've got more stuff, if that's possible. But I'm hoping that now I realize why I've been so paralyzed by the situations I'm currently facing, and why I've had SO MUCH fear in relation to this move and job-hunt... It's really been paralyzing. Maybe I can move forward a little better, now. Because while I know it's irrational... it's still THERE, you know?

...and maybe recognizing it will help me stop dreaming about vampires every night...

I don't know that I'll be any better about taking suggestions for a while-- I'm already so afraid of failure that sometimes I hear a desire to help as more criticism. Sad, but true. But as of February, I've decided to stop nannying. Two final days in Feb, and that's it. I'm hoping that one huge stress off my back will help me be more productive in searching for career-oriented jobs and doing what's best for me instead of doing what's easiest, the way I have done lately. Also, I'm hoping I'll have more energy to be there for you. I'm going to try not to use any more lame excuses about why I'm where I am in my job-hunt, or complain as much, either.

It's hard to admit I'm not doing everything I could be doing to improve my own situation, especial to people whose good opinion I care about as much as I do yours. So... I could be applying for more jobs than I have done so far. Three job apps in three months isn't a great average. But I have a plan for that, now. I could also spend less time reading books or watching movies or puttering around in my apartment... and have a lot more time to get the things on my list accomplished. Maybe having access to less stuff will help with that, once I move.

But mostly, I realized that I'm so tired from worrying and tired from feeling like I'm NOT meeting anybody's expectations (especially my own) and tired from getting over all the emotional shit that comes with a divorce and a graduate program and a big debt load and a new career and a new life and a new home (or two or three).... It isn't easy to face doing something new or difficult when I'm always drained. And these things just take time to work through. I should know-- I've been working through these same things for two years now. (but not the vampire dreams-- those started right after Christmas...) I probably need to sit back and recognize just how much I HAVE accomplished in the last two years, and just how far I've actually come emotionally. That might help... Anyway-

I'm going to do it. I'll get a good job, get by until then on the money I have saved up, get moved, get my shgit together, get over it... But I sorta wanted to explain to you what's going on with me lately. You may already know it, or maybe I did my whole "hide the problems" thing again, or maybe I just haven't called you in a few months-- I really don't know. Hence the long email. And the apology.

p.s.
I also finally figured out that my downstairs neighbor has been smoking at night, and that's why my allergies and my sleep are so bad all the time here. So maybe moving out will also help with some of my stress.

Glad to have you in my life. Just wanted to say that in case I haven't been acting that way lately.
-Me.