The French Translation

Things that mean something, a biographical list of one-liners from breakfast with Big D:

• It'd be nice to date someone intelligent AND funny, you know?
  
• So, how long have you been a looser?
• Um, no. Actually, I didn't learn that from my grandmother. It's all me.
  
• Well, I'm just known as "That guy who eats salad for lunch," so they don't think I'm a homo at work-- but there's this other guy who started trying to eat healthy lunches after he'd been there for a while, and it was like, "Man let me show you some tits so you can get over this and eat man-food again."
• Actually, nobody takes you seriously because we know you really DO mean the outrageous things you say.
• God, this sounds retarded; I met her on Facebook.
• Liquid chalk? Actually, I think pole dancers WANT to be able to slide around some...
• He's an ambulance driver with a Master's Degree in Art Criticism. And he eats salads for lunch, too. I just feel compelled to call him my partner-- but only at work!
  
• Well, actually, I AM a librarian. Explains the ice cube in my hot coco, doesn't it?
• Boy, watching you eat takes me right back to when we were kids.
• I meant to do that.
• When is your Christmas Present officially "late" this year?
• It's like free therapy. Especially when I tell them stories about my marriage. And they tell me, "Gosh. I always wondered how somebody could be stupid enough to end up in that situation. Now I know." At least I get to hear it from my editors before I hear it from everybody else.
• Imagine Jean Claud Van Dam playing himself. He's actually a sad, gentle little man.
• They don't look like cookie rejects to you? Well, taste one. Then you'll understand why I gave them to you.
• Boil down all the wisdom I wish I could go back and give my younger self, and you get this: Eat salad and lift weights-- the rest will take care of itself.
• You have a studded tire for your BICYCLE??
• You've just created another Vin Diesel fan, haven't you.
• Yeah, I know I need some sort of mal-practice insurance for all the great advice I keep giving everybody.
• I think Nateuropathic Medicine is when you're allergic to cats, so they make you eat cat to solve the problem.
• No, really, you WANT to hear this story about eating cat faces in China!
• Dude, people puke on me at work. You spitting when you talk is like NOTHING in comparison. Really. And then there was this guy with a dead mouse on his belly.
• Maybe I need to work on my compassion for fat people.
  
• ...And then I get the munchies and play stupid video games all day. What side effects do YOU get?
• "Friends with Benefits." That means "free fugck" in french, doesn't it?