I was one, once.

Well, I had planned to tell you about my belief that my life is being recorded for a sitcom. I don't know who's writing the script, but they have one hell of a weird sense of humor-- and some horribly comedic timing. I have some friends who I know have major roles in the sitcom of my life-- and they would tell you the same thing. ...but I'm not going to talk about that today.

In my life, I've been a babysitter, a nanny, an Au Pair, a front desker who also kept track of kids in the office, ... And each of these roles has been very different. Starting with the pay. And the amount of time the parents spend telling you what "normal" is in their household before they leave. Its very confusing if you've never been a part of the program before. I just checked a website for helping folks get what they want, and half the people who want child care ask for nannies, and then want to pay for a babysitter. The other half ask what 'normal' is in nanny-land. I swear, nobody knows, and if they do, they aren't telling! So let me be one of the first. Just realize-- I only know what's normal for me.

When I lived in New York, in 2002, a live-in full-time nanny in a small town with one very high-maintenance child and two very large dogs with long tongues (this was before the pitbull, too) was paid around $500 a month, before taxes. If you actually were lucky enough to find a well-off family in New York City who wanted a nanny, you could get your own mother-in-law apartment, a car to drive, and a good living wage... but that was never me. That was the dream that the Nanny-Placement-Services dangled in front of your nose to get you to sign on with them. Before that, as a babysitter, $5/hour for two kids was considered good pay. You would consider yourself rich if you spent all evening with two kids, and walked home with a $20 bill in your pocket. Since then, I've made up to $10/hour as a part-time nanny, for up to two children. I made $14 an hour as an assistant in a business, with less important responsibilities.

I've had a lot of people be shocked at paying $10/hour for child care. Some of these same people actually pay $15 to $25 for a 20-minute visit to let their pets go pee in the yard every day. And when people consider letting you into their home to care for their pets, they DEFINITELY call your references. Want to know the odds of having a parent actually do a background check on you before leaving you alone in their home with their kid? I don't.

Anyway, Its a strange thing to be back in the world of child care, daycare, nanny and Au Pair. I love the children-- they are such a great excuse to get out the old finger paints, or buy the new water-washable color markers, and really go wild scribbling colorful nothings onto a big piece of recycled paper. Making up fun activities that require autumn leaves, lots of string, and laughter... I could live like that. The hard part is the parents. How do you tell a parent, who pays you good money to do what they do when they can't do it, that their child is never going to remember (at the age of 3) what they did wrong, after not knowing it was wrong, and doing it, and then having to stand in the corner for 20 minutes to think about it. At three-- they probably don't even know all the words to "I Like To Eat Apples And Bananas!" And how do you explain that they are crying because they are ANGRY at the age of five, when you embarrassed them by wiping their nose in front of their favorite teacher, and then telling them to "Blow!"... and telling them to stop crying really won't solve anything. It just embarrasses them worse. And at the age of 11... if you know after an hour in their company that the child is smoking pot, and the parents don't know... what you have to say probably won't make the parents believe you. If they can't see it, chances are they DON'T WANT TO. Like I said-- parents can be difficult.

Personally, I ask the parents for THEIR references before I agree to a long-term contract. And I call. There isn't a test you have to pass to be a parent. But nannies? Real nannies who read child-development books, and use baby sign-language to help toddlers communicate, and CARE that too much TV is bad for the brain... Those are hard to come by. And when you do? Usually they are too busy being moms. And since they know their own worth... you might find yourself paying a little more than $10 an hour. I was one, once.