Ummm... so, yeah, it was my birthday yesterday. My goal was to spend a few hours in meditation, thinking about who I am and what I'm doing. It felt like an appropriate time to be doing that. Instead, what seems to have happened, is that I was aware of the way I spent my time during the day. I really thought about what I'm doing with my life in a more "here and now" sense-- because "what I'm doing with my life" isn't about my goals-- it's about each day lived.
And I realized that I get to read books to little kids who smile at me and like to hold conversations with me-- and who are already learning (at the age of 2) how cool the "libbery" can be. I'm very proud of that. I feel it's time well-spent, for all my complaining about the long hours. I realized that filling and emptying the dishwasher is a fact of life, and I posted a quote from one of my favorite blogs--
"Cleaning isn't just an obligation. It's also a way to honor your life, a way to show yourself you're worth that much effort. ...I'm working on that one."
It made me stop and think about all the ways you can honor your life, and how I'm not doing any of them right now. And I decided that I actually am worth the effort, and I actually do want to honor my life. And if that means putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher every day, then I can do that. And if that means running the a/c for a few minutes so I can brew a cup of tea on a hot day, then I can do that.
And if that means taking the time to finally look up the name/location of a women's shelter so I can donate the rest of the stuff I've decided to get rid of to them instead of Goodwill, and TAKING THE TIME TO DROP THE STUFF OFF THERE, then I can do that, too. I want the file cabinet out of my entry way. I deserve to walk into my apartment without running into things, tripping on things, or knocking things over.
And then I went to one of my favorite stores to meet my family for dinner. I found out that my all-time favorite candle that only they carry and that lasts 50 hours, and has never dripped and made a wax puddle on my floor or my table, and that doesn't smoke, and doesn't tip over, and is just PERFECT because it only costs $5... well, they've discontinued making it. But the nice helper-lady looked at other stores and found 15 of them for me at other stores, and they're being shipped to my home. I figured if this is my last chance to get ahold of my favorite candle, I'm not messing around. Of all the candles I've ever bought, this is the one I keep lighting.
And dinner with my mom, papa, and aunt was great. I had the opportunity to realize that where I come from is a part of who I am. And I finally had a group of people who all go whole-hog with Ottohumor and there was no one there to roll their eyes and be disgusted with us for deciding that hero-ono fish was a super hero who changed his mind, fell (o-no!), and sorta splatted into the water... well, you get the picture. It was fun to be a family for a bit.
And then I got home and had time for myself. That was interesting, too. I was so tired after working ten hours and having quality social time for two hours after that... the one thing that really rose out of my quiet time is that I'm about to be done with school. I'm about to emerge into the world of self-supporting professionals. And in many ways, it will be a rebirth for me. A whole new start in the world, with new goals and new priorities and new lessons to learn. I'm really looking forward to that.
For now, though, I'm going to move through my day with joy, and spend time with good friends. I can't think of a better gift to start my new year than that.
Friday, August 10
Monday, August 6
Fiddy and Fried
Yesterday, I wrote a 55 page paper. Well, I wrote a 40 page paper, plus 15 pages that each listed a single reference source-- the same source-- 15 times. (I really do not understand my Management professor.) Yesterday, I also discovered the absolute best most perfect way to appreciate my bed.
You know, sometimes I'm not really excited about going to bed. There are too many wonderful books and cool movies and good friends that I want to spend my time on instead-- and of course, the cat must be petted. And then there are the times when I'm not able to sleep or the bed is too lumpy or too hot or too cold or the sheets are wrinkled... and I'm just not really very appreciative of my bed.
But yesterday... or rather, this morning, I figured it out. First, stare at a computer screen from 10am until 3am, with a few short breaks for eating and other necessities. Your eyes will be so bugged out and tired that the dark is a soothing relief. By 3am, you will no longer be sure how to string words together into sentences, or you will forget that the sentence needs to END, and will just string all your thoughts together in one long long long sentence that never ends and gets kinda messy and really fairly pointless. And you'll be tired of holding up your head, tired of sitting at the desk. Tired of leaning forward on the one arm to read the screen better because your eyes got fuzzy around 4pm, and eyes don't get a second wind.
Then, you go to bed. And bed feels like some luxurious palace where nothing has to move and nothing has to bear weight, and it is SOFT and COOL and DARK and QUIET and SUPPORTIVE and there is NO GUILT INVOLVED... Man-- I tell you, going to bed this morning felt better than sex.
Of course... the alarm went off at 7:30. And the phone started beeping at 9. And the cat decided that 10am was really quite late enough, thank you. And I gave up even pretending to sleep by about 10:30... I mean, after all, I still have another paper to write today. Sigh... I miss my bed.
You know, sometimes I'm not really excited about going to bed. There are too many wonderful books and cool movies and good friends that I want to spend my time on instead-- and of course, the cat must be petted. And then there are the times when I'm not able to sleep or the bed is too lumpy or too hot or too cold or the sheets are wrinkled... and I'm just not really very appreciative of my bed.
But yesterday... or rather, this morning, I figured it out. First, stare at a computer screen from 10am until 3am, with a few short breaks for eating and other necessities. Your eyes will be so bugged out and tired that the dark is a soothing relief. By 3am, you will no longer be sure how to string words together into sentences, or you will forget that the sentence needs to END, and will just string all your thoughts together in one long long long sentence that never ends and gets kinda messy and really fairly pointless. And you'll be tired of holding up your head, tired of sitting at the desk. Tired of leaning forward on the one arm to read the screen better because your eyes got fuzzy around 4pm, and eyes don't get a second wind.
Then, you go to bed. And bed feels like some luxurious palace where nothing has to move and nothing has to bear weight, and it is SOFT and COOL and DARK and QUIET and SUPPORTIVE and there is NO GUILT INVOLVED... Man-- I tell you, going to bed this morning felt better than sex.
Of course... the alarm went off at 7:30. And the phone started beeping at 9. And the cat decided that 10am was really quite late enough, thank you. And I gave up even pretending to sleep by about 10:30... I mean, after all, I still have another paper to write today. Sigh... I miss my bed.
Sunday, August 5
August
Somebody remind me-- what was the song the Munchkins sang when the Wicked Witch of the West was defeated? Maybe I can modify that to sing about the flies that are no longer swarming my home...
August should be an interesting month. I've started out by decisively winning the fight against the flies (I'm still on alert in case of future attempts by the enemy, however)-- and my kitchen remains clean and tidy thus far. I've got finals going on. I've got to renew my passport in person, having noticed that the one I found is probably not the most recent one, and I've got a looming deadline for that. I also hope to finish once and for all getting all my legal documents to reflect my divorced status and my new legal last name. A few of the larger corporations seem to have regressed in that field... I start my next internship mid August. And, I start my last semester of classes on the 27th. This means that by the end of the year, I'll have a degree in my hand, and an endless horizon before me.
This is also the month that I turn 29. I've asked people to celebrate with me at fun but expensive restaurants so that I can spend that time celebrating the people in my life that help to make it such a great experience for me (and thus, no gifts but their presence are needed!). August is when we celebrate fire and the harvest and large cats and the ocean and stories. Lots of stories. This month I'm finally going to sort through the last few piles of what-not remaining from my big home-cleaning purge of Summer Semester, too. And I've sent out my first honest to gosh job application this month. With more to follow, I'm sure.
I was recently talking with a good friend, and realized that according to Chakra reckoning, age 29 is the first year of the fifth section of my life (they count in groups of seven)-- and it is the time when I focus on communication (fifth chakra is throat). Since it's the first year in that set of seven, it will probably also be about grounding, and this makes sense to me. I'm hoping to ground myself in a good first librarian job, a good place to live for a while, and a budget that actually can fit my income without forcing me to live on the streets. All of these things require good communication. =) Especially being a children's librarian. And keeping in close contact with my good friends and family from wherever I end up working.
So, HELLO AUGUST! I'm excited about you. And... I'm going to get back to work on my finals now. The old semester ain't over yet.
August should be an interesting month. I've started out by decisively winning the fight against the flies (I'm still on alert in case of future attempts by the enemy, however)-- and my kitchen remains clean and tidy thus far. I've got finals going on. I've got to renew my passport in person, having noticed that the one I found is probably not the most recent one, and I've got a looming deadline for that. I also hope to finish once and for all getting all my legal documents to reflect my divorced status and my new legal last name. A few of the larger corporations seem to have regressed in that field... I start my next internship mid August. And, I start my last semester of classes on the 27th. This means that by the end of the year, I'll have a degree in my hand, and an endless horizon before me.
This is also the month that I turn 29. I've asked people to celebrate with me at fun but expensive restaurants so that I can spend that time celebrating the people in my life that help to make it such a great experience for me (and thus, no gifts but their presence are needed!). August is when we celebrate fire and the harvest and large cats and the ocean and stories. Lots of stories. This month I'm finally going to sort through the last few piles of what-not remaining from my big home-cleaning purge of Summer Semester, too. And I've sent out my first honest to gosh job application this month. With more to follow, I'm sure.
I was recently talking with a good friend, and realized that according to Chakra reckoning, age 29 is the first year of the fifth section of my life (they count in groups of seven)-- and it is the time when I focus on communication (fifth chakra is throat). Since it's the first year in that set of seven, it will probably also be about grounding, and this makes sense to me. I'm hoping to ground myself in a good first librarian job, a good place to live for a while, and a budget that actually can fit my income without forcing me to live on the streets. All of these things require good communication. =) Especially being a children's librarian. And keeping in close contact with my good friends and family from wherever I end up working.
So, HELLO AUGUST! I'm excited about you. And... I'm going to get back to work on my finals now. The old semester ain't over yet.
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