Okay. Life is GOOD. I just got back from my local library (okay, from the big library in the sky that isn't so local but has a whole 50-foot room dedicated to children's books).
I was there borrowing books for my first few modules of class. Children's and Young Adult Literature. AKA LS 5603-20. Or, as the professor has titled it on the Blackboard program, "The Best Children's Lit Class EVER." So I just got to go to the library, and spend legitimate time in the Children's Library Section-- browsing children's books. I think I just died and went to heaven. Do you KNOW how much I love children's books??? I love them all the way to the moon, and back! (See Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney).
And then it hit me-- I get to do this EVERY THREE WEEKS or so for the whole summer!! I tell you, I haven't felt this level of excitement since before I went back to school.
...is that wrong?
Sunday, June 3
Saturday, June 2
About Dehydration
So... one of the many lessons I learned far away and long ago... was that I am infinitely more depressed when I am also dehydrated and lacking in sleep. Yes. I am now ready to take on the world again, and possibly even profess to being an actual ADULT... now that I've had more water to drink, a bit of exercise, and a good night's sleep. Yes.
I have to credit my friend, MB, with this revelation. She was a great font of wisdom about dealing with a divorce-- especially a long, painful divorce. Is there any other kind? She explained that for her, eating protein was the key to keeping a positive can-do outlook on the situation. Her mom was good about reminding her to eat more protein whenever she started to get gloomy or overwhelmed, and it helped. Her body needed what it needed to deal with the stress it was under-- and this ability to deal (or inability to deal) carried over to her psyche as well.
For me, it wasn't protein. It was water and sleep. I got through the first six months-- three of them waiting for the divorce to be final, and three figuring out how to be successfully divorced-- by drinking a LOT of water, and taking a LOT of naps. I highly recommend the naps, by the way. Low calorie, high fiber-- especially if you dream about food and end up eating your pillowcase-- and just generally restorative. IF you remember to drink a lot of water and/or turn on the A/C before you nap.
On the other hand, everything I said I was struggling with yesterday is STILL TRUE TODAY-- I just know I will persevere and overcome them now. And I've gleefully defenestrated my fears. Officially. Ceremonially. Repeatedly. The sliding glass door in the living room. It's the only one that opens.
On the more good news front, I met my new buddy E in east downtown today and after making friends with her really cute dog, we checked out a WHOLE NEW FARMER'S MARKET. Found garlic tops. mmmmmmm Found chard. Little chards. mmmmmm Found basil. doublemmmm Found hershey's kisses-shaped candles made of pure beeswax. Found we had a lot to talk and laugh and commiserate with each other about. Especially mothers and weird food combinations. Had a blast. Got a little dehydrated. Learned my lesson-- so I've been chugging water all afternoon to make up for it.
Plus Hood Strawberries. My favorite kind. I find I've degenerated into a highly evolved strawberry snob. Did that make ANY sense at ALL?? Hmmm... must be time to go eat more strawberries and ice cream... and drink some water. Maybe a nap...
I have to credit my friend, MB, with this revelation. She was a great font of wisdom about dealing with a divorce-- especially a long, painful divorce. Is there any other kind? She explained that for her, eating protein was the key to keeping a positive can-do outlook on the situation. Her mom was good about reminding her to eat more protein whenever she started to get gloomy or overwhelmed, and it helped. Her body needed what it needed to deal with the stress it was under-- and this ability to deal (or inability to deal) carried over to her psyche as well.
For me, it wasn't protein. It was water and sleep. I got through the first six months-- three of them waiting for the divorce to be final, and three figuring out how to be successfully divorced-- by drinking a LOT of water, and taking a LOT of naps. I highly recommend the naps, by the way. Low calorie, high fiber-- especially if you dream about food and end up eating your pillowcase-- and just generally restorative. IF you remember to drink a lot of water and/or turn on the A/C before you nap.
On the other hand, everything I said I was struggling with yesterday is STILL TRUE TODAY-- I just know I will persevere and overcome them now. And I've gleefully defenestrated my fears. Officially. Ceremonially. Repeatedly. The sliding glass door in the living room. It's the only one that opens.
On the more good news front, I met my new buddy E in east downtown today and after making friends with her really cute dog, we checked out a WHOLE NEW FARMER'S MARKET. Found garlic tops. mmmmmmm Found chard. Little chards. mmmmmm Found basil. doublemmmm Found hershey's kisses-shaped candles made of pure beeswax. Found we had a lot to talk and laugh and commiserate with each other about. Especially mothers and weird food combinations. Had a blast. Got a little dehydrated. Learned my lesson-- so I've been chugging water all afternoon to make up for it.
Plus Hood Strawberries. My favorite kind. I find I've degenerated into a highly evolved strawberry snob. Did that make ANY sense at ALL?? Hmmm... must be time to go eat more strawberries and ice cream... and drink some water. Maybe a nap...
Friday, June 1
Too Much
About responsibility...
There is such thing as too much. And... sometimes I wonder if I'm really ready to be an adult. I've been one for a long time now (by my standards)... and I often find myself letting important things go because I just can't seem to get to them. I still manage to watch my corny movies, though. What kind of prioritizing is THAT?
It just strikes me that there is a lot more to being an adult than one sometimes wants to admit. It is a lot easier to feel bad about your ability to prioritize than to acknowledge that you might be trying to do more than you can handle, and that you might still have some personal issues to work through before you reach your full productive capacity. I sure don't want that to be true-- I think I SHOULD be able to handle what I've committed myself to achieving at this point in my life. The evidence so far is against me, though.
For example, I've learned the hard way that I can't handle 3 online classes at the same time. I just can't keep the details of each classes' requirements and system set-up in my head for three classes in one semester. I actually dropped a class in the Fall last year because of this reality. Even knowing it, I still had to struggle through three classes last semester-- if I wanted to graduate this December, and not incur another $7,000 in debt for ANOTHER semester of school. Luckily, I can take the two classes at a time that I can actually handle for the last two semesters here. Plus work. Plus internships that I have to arrange and apply for ahead of time. Plus the final project stuff that doesn't count as a class, but takes about the same amount of time.
This semester's struggle with 3 classes cost me something. I'm actually on academic probation because it is unacceptable to receive a C grade in grad school, and I did. In my favorite class. Because I forgot that this particular professor didn't always put the full assignment information into the syllabus, and that we had instead to check the online turn-in location for additional instructions-- and remember to SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LONG PAGE to be sure we had all the info on the assignment. So I turned in a 100-point assignment with only one of the three required sections completed. Because I only knew about the one section listed in the syllabus. Shigt. Otherwise, I might have had an A.
At the same time as I am working on an internship, planning my next internship, preparing my resume for the need to being applying for jobs, and expecting school to start up again Monday... I am trying to pursue my art. The thing I can lose myself doing because I love doing it so much. The thing I could soon be selling at a profit-- if I can find the time to finish some of my projects and market them to the folks who've already expressed interest.
Also, I have friends. I'd like to keep them. So I spend some time-- much-enjoyed and much-appreciated time-- with them. And I have an apartment to maintain, and food to buy and cook and eat, and a lot of emotional baggage to work through. Not the least of which is concerns that have arisen in the past while about the health and well-being of various close and much-loved family members. Oh, and did I mention that I work 20 hours a week? And have a side job writing intellectual blogs for an online magazine three times a week? (www.libraryjournal.com) And that I've got no financial aid for school because I'm on academic probation? No stress there, right?
It's just too much. And yet, there isn't really anything I can drop. Stop spending time with friends? Yeah- and go stark raving nuts in a matter of weeks. Stop working? And eat what-- toenails?
See, the thing is-- I signed up for all this. And I need to see it through. All of it. Because this is my future we're talking about. My ability to get a job that offers both satisfaction in my work, and some sort of health care and retirement benefits, while paying an actual living wage for a single income family. So while I'm working hard to keep a stiff upper lip that actually curves UP and not down, there are definitely many moments when I wonder what the hegll I'm doing wrong here, and if I'm really qualified to be an adult. I hope it gets easier, because I don't think I can take it getting any harder. Oh. I just remembered. It's the first of the month. My rent is due. Right.
Well, that's all the time I have to spend on feeling sorry for myself today. Check back another time for a cheery, humorous, and uplifting post. I'm about due to have one. Any time now. Really.
There is such thing as too much. And... sometimes I wonder if I'm really ready to be an adult. I've been one for a long time now (by my standards)... and I often find myself letting important things go because I just can't seem to get to them. I still manage to watch my corny movies, though. What kind of prioritizing is THAT?
It just strikes me that there is a lot more to being an adult than one sometimes wants to admit. It is a lot easier to feel bad about your ability to prioritize than to acknowledge that you might be trying to do more than you can handle, and that you might still have some personal issues to work through before you reach your full productive capacity. I sure don't want that to be true-- I think I SHOULD be able to handle what I've committed myself to achieving at this point in my life. The evidence so far is against me, though.
For example, I've learned the hard way that I can't handle 3 online classes at the same time. I just can't keep the details of each classes' requirements and system set-up in my head for three classes in one semester. I actually dropped a class in the Fall last year because of this reality. Even knowing it, I still had to struggle through three classes last semester-- if I wanted to graduate this December, and not incur another $7,000 in debt for ANOTHER semester of school. Luckily, I can take the two classes at a time that I can actually handle for the last two semesters here. Plus work. Plus internships that I have to arrange and apply for ahead of time. Plus the final project stuff that doesn't count as a class, but takes about the same amount of time.
This semester's struggle with 3 classes cost me something. I'm actually on academic probation because it is unacceptable to receive a C grade in grad school, and I did. In my favorite class. Because I forgot that this particular professor didn't always put the full assignment information into the syllabus, and that we had instead to check the online turn-in location for additional instructions-- and remember to SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LONG PAGE to be sure we had all the info on the assignment. So I turned in a 100-point assignment with only one of the three required sections completed. Because I only knew about the one section listed in the syllabus. Shigt. Otherwise, I might have had an A.
At the same time as I am working on an internship, planning my next internship, preparing my resume for the need to being applying for jobs, and expecting school to start up again Monday... I am trying to pursue my art. The thing I can lose myself doing because I love doing it so much. The thing I could soon be selling at a profit-- if I can find the time to finish some of my projects and market them to the folks who've already expressed interest.
Also, I have friends. I'd like to keep them. So I spend some time-- much-enjoyed and much-appreciated time-- with them. And I have an apartment to maintain, and food to buy and cook and eat, and a lot of emotional baggage to work through. Not the least of which is concerns that have arisen in the past while about the health and well-being of various close and much-loved family members. Oh, and did I mention that I work 20 hours a week? And have a side job writing intellectual blogs for an online magazine three times a week? (www.libraryjournal.com) And that I've got no financial aid for school because I'm on academic probation? No stress there, right?
It's just too much. And yet, there isn't really anything I can drop. Stop spending time with friends? Yeah- and go stark raving nuts in a matter of weeks. Stop working? And eat what-- toenails?
See, the thing is-- I signed up for all this. And I need to see it through. All of it. Because this is my future we're talking about. My ability to get a job that offers both satisfaction in my work, and some sort of health care and retirement benefits, while paying an actual living wage for a single income family. So while I'm working hard to keep a stiff upper lip that actually curves UP and not down, there are definitely many moments when I wonder what the hegll I'm doing wrong here, and if I'm really qualified to be an adult. I hope it gets easier, because I don't think I can take it getting any harder. Oh. I just remembered. It's the first of the month. My rent is due. Right.
Well, that's all the time I have to spend on feeling sorry for myself today. Check back another time for a cheery, humorous, and uplifting post. I'm about due to have one. Any time now. Really.
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