Okay. They are a requirement for buying or selling a home in some states. They are supposed to keep us safe and alert us if there IS a fire in our home, with enough time to get ourselves out safely. They are usually round, and attached to an ugly hole in the ceiling, usually one for each room or area of the home. They require batteries, they have little lights that stay on at all times, and when they go off, they are REALLY LOUD. They are called Smoke Alarms.
When I was very little, we had a smoke alarm in the the 2 foot square "hallway" between bedroom and bathroom doors in my house. It was around a corner from the kitchen. And without fail, every time mom tried to bake or broil a chicken, the fire alarm went off. Loudly. Before the chicken was done cooking. And my dad would haul out the step ladder, do a lot of swearing, and pull the batteries out of the fire alarm because THERE WAS NO FIRE. There wasn't even any smoke.
When I was in high school, my mom came into my room one night. She was really worried that I somehow had a candle burning in my bedroom. I was dead asleep, and had never even considered that it would be okay to light one of the candles in my bedroom-- let alone leave it lit after I went to sleep for the night. Of course, as I WAS asleep, it took a while for the question to percolate. The conversation (in my vague memory) went like this:
shake shake
Mom, frantic: DO YOU HAVE A CANDLE BURNING??
Me: ...huh?
Mom, still frantic: DO YOU HAVE A CANDLE BURNING??
Me: ...yeah- I think there's a candle on the dresser...
Mom goes to check it, and I go back to sleep. Of course, I've never burned a candle in my bedroom, so what she found was an unlit candle.
shake shake... shake shake shake
Mom, very worried now: Honey, DO YOU HAVE A CANDLE BURNING??
Me: ...what?
Mom, getting louder, still shaking me: DO YOU HAVE A CANDLE BURNING??
Me: What candle?
Mom, full volume, agonized: DO-YOU-HAVE-A-LIT-CANDLE-BURNING-IN-YOUR-ROOM??
Me: NO!
I roll over grumbling about dumb questions and go back to sleep, mom leaves.
The next morning, I was informed that they'd found the source of the fire alarm. Fire alarm? Yeah. It was apparently going off in the background of our middle-of-the-night conversation-- and for a few minutes before and after, as well. The source? A yogurt lid had fallen out of the dishwasher rack and onto the element, where it melted into a funny shape, and let off some sort of chemical gas that could not be seen, but did set off the fire alarm quite efficiently. There was no fire.
Later, when I'd gotten married and bought a home of my own (well, a home of my husband's own), we had a wood stove. One night when he was off on a practice deployment, I'd had myself a nice fire in our old and slightly misshapen wood stove, and since the wood coals in it were still smoking when I went to bed, I left the flu open. So the smoke from the fire could continue to go out of the house via the chimney, as usual.
I woke up around 3am needing to pee, looked around, and the whole house (my bedroom was at the very back far end of the house from the wood stove) was blue with smoke-- inside. The air was chokingly thick with it. The cat and dog were still sleeping, drugged with the smoke just like I was. I crawled to a window, opened it, and took a few breaths until I could figure out what was going on. Then I panicked. THERE WAS A FIRE IN THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE!! THERE WAS A TON OF SMOKE IN HERE!! WHY DIDN'T THE SMOKE ALARM GO OFF???
Well, no. Technically, the fire was still in the wood stove. But the fast-falling cold temperatures that night had forced all the barely-warm smoke back down the chimney, and pumped it out one of the weird holes in the back of the stove, into the house, where it had been collecting and swirling for ... about five hours... undetected by the smoke/fire alarms in every room of the house, until I believe I was fairly close to being asphyxiated by it. You could barely see through all the blue-grey smokey air in the house by the time I woke up-- and I didn't wake because I smelled smoke. There was a fire, and a dangerous level of smoke in the house... and there WAS NO SMOKE ALARM. NO FIRE ALARM. NO.
This is not to say that I think an alarm that lets you know when there is a dangerous level of smoke in the house is a bad idea. On the contrary-- I think it's a great idea. I've just never owned one. Instead, I've had a chicken alarm, a plastics alarm, and a spring roll alarm. Yay. My friend, Shana, tells me it's all a racket to get us to buy 9Volt batteries (size E)... which are not good for any other purpose that we've found, besides replacing them once or twice a year in every 'smoke' alarm in every room of every house. Hey. Free Money. No advertising needed. Most people I know will do ANYTHING to stop the frantically repeated beeep beeep beeep of a smoke alarm with a low battery in it. Including spend a lot of money on a 9V battery. Hmm...
I should create a safety appliance that every household will require, and patent the energy source for it! I'd be rich in no time. It's probably even more effective than buying lottery tickets!
Last night, I got home late from an event that was supposed to include dinner. It was a fun event, but half a helping of caesar salad does not a dinner make. So I rummaged in the freezer, and pulled out some pre-cooked frozen spring rolls. I think parts of it were even organic to make me feel better about not cooking. Bake them at 450 for 15 minutes, and you have a meal with veggies, and meat. I could handle that. It was almost 11pm. I was starved. Right up until the smoke alarm started to go off. There were five minutes to go on the spring rolls, and the bubbling oil in the oven was apparently too much for the smoke alarm's delicate system. Which has withstood over five candles simultaneously burning in the same room as the smoke alarm, multiple times.
So I got to wake up all the neighbors, deposit my not-quite-cooked spring rolls on the front porch, open the whole place up for air circulation, and scare the shigt out of the cat. Luckily, the alarm was pacified after only about five minutes. At 11pm at night. People came to their doors to ask if all was well-- which I appreciate-- and so I yelled at about the same decibel level as the alarm that all was well, and I was sorry to disturb. Then I brought my cold not-quite-cooked spring rolls back into the house, closed the doors and left the windows carefully open for a bit longer, and started looking around for hidden cameras. Somebody has to be filming this stuff. It's just too ridiculous to be happening in real life.
And, as another Catachresis blogging first... I'm giving you homework.
Yes. YOU.
Please write into the comments your own experiences with the smoke/fire alarms in your lifetime. I'll bet you know of some real winners, too. And just maybe, someone will be able to give me a VALID reason for those silly little round food-alarms in our every home. Please?
Sunday, April 15
Thursday, April 12
Lost and Found
I was thinking recently about some of the situations the people I care about have lived through or are living through. I was thinking about lost time, lost perspective, lost income, lost friends, lost lives. And then I started thinking about what I have lived through. And about how happy I am with my life.
I lost my apartment and many of my household goods. I found that it was a great opportunity to start fresh, and not carry old associations into my new life.
I lost my marriage and my free health care. I found that I don't need all the doctor visits I'd been making... and I found myself. Free. Self-Sufficient. Reliable (though often a bit late-- it's the Leo in me). Resilient. Content with now.
I lost my husband's income and later my job. I found a better job. I also found that I alone on a small income don't carry nearly as much debt as we did together with a much bigger income, and I'm not juggling funds to make ends meet anymore either. I found that I know how to balance a budget, and how to go without cable TV and dinner out every week.
I lost my support network when I moved to a new state. I found that my support network was a lot bigger than I'd realized, and that the people who love and support you will ALWAYS love and support you-- and the people who are there for what you give them... I found that I don't miss giving myself away to selfish people. I found my own value and my own will to succeed.
I spent a lot of time worrying, and whining and complaining and analyzing all that had happened or might happen IF... But once I started trusting myself and my abilities-- and my decisions-- I realized that I am really grateful for the life I have. I have a way to support myself-- and even if I'm using the credit card to pay for my gas right now, I won't always. I have good friends who support me (and put themselves in danger to help me get out of hell)-- and who let me support them in return. I have organic food in my fridge. I have my life, my cat, and my netfix subscription to get me through until I can afford cable and dating again (time-wise, emotions-wise, AND money-wise). I have a clean little 2-room apartment with things in it that I love and that I CHOOSE TO HAVE in my space, and a sunny back patio where my geranium seeds and basil seeds and heavenly bamboo plant all thrive. (The ants are even leaving my pumpkin sprouts alone for the moment!) I have my grandmother's dining table. I have the desk my dad made for me in college. I have the creaky oak desk chair from my childhood. I have my parents' old bed frame. I have a washer and dryer, a mailing address, and a lock on the front door.
I may not have money in the bank or real chairs in my apartment for guests, but I am surrounded by love and growth and beauty. I'd take this life over any other I've lived any day of the week. And I know that if I hadn't lived through all those other times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate everything good that I have now. I just wouldn't see it, because I'd be looking for the cushy new sofa and the matching bedroom set and the big back yard and the happily-ever-after marriage. And those aren't real. What I have is real, and joyful, and I have it because I made it so.
I look at the situations that the people I care about are dealing with, and I know they are carrying burdens. I know life can be tough, and some of them are dealing with tough times. I know that I needed to talk and process to get through those hard times in my own life, and so I want to be here and be listening for them. But I also know that if their perspective doesn't broaden to include the abundance that IS in their lives, they will never find happiness. They will always be burdened by the challenges they face, and will never get to celebrate the gifts they already have-- the ones they brought into their own lives through their own efforts. The people, the pets, the safe and comfortable homes that they surround themselves with. The skills they have. The goals they set and that they will meet. The goals they've already reached.
I find myself wanting to reach through the phone and shake them. CELEBRATE, DAMMIT! But I know that right now, many of them just can't see the reasons to do so. And I know I wouldn't want their challenges for myself. I guess the difference is that I believe I can create the life I want for myself. If I will positive change, and focus my energy on what I'm working toward. If I take the right steps and put can-do energy into the world-- I know that is what I'll get back.
Bad things do happen to good people-- and it is not that good person's fault if they bump into a mass murderer on a tear or something. But I can say about my life that the big bad things I've overcome all had great lessons to them. I never want to live through them again-- and I don't wish those or any other bad times on anyone-- but I wouldn't be as full and great a human being now if I hadn't had those very experiences. If you could hear what goes on in my mind when I realize I've got a BIG REASON to complain-- it would sound a bit like this:
"Oh, hegll. This sucks. Great. Another reason to grow. Well, what can I learn from THIS one? What might be going on to make that person do that? Can I think of anything that could possibly put me in their shoes one day? ...Well, I guess I can have a bit of compassion. (or-- Nope. I'm so glad I will never be like this person!) Man, personal growth is exhausting. I'd better plan some down time into my week. Okay. You know, this is actually a good thing in some ways, because ...." And suddenly, it's not all bad. Of course, sometimes this process takes 2 minutes, and sometimes it takes 2 months. Depends on the situation. And on how fast I can grow to encompass the lessons I take from it. Growth itself is definitely not predictable. And, in the meantime, my friends will definitely be getting that call from me where all I want to do is process and whine.
Yeah, I do that. But inside... inside I know my life is full of reasons to celebrate, and abundance is everywhere, if only I choose to look. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life-- but I've found so much more because of it. Things WILL improve. I will make it so.
And by the way, I find it very strange that the spell-check on the blog postings editor does not recognize the word "okay" in it's proper grammatical spelling. It gets a red highlight every time. Weird. Did the computer geeks who make the latest programs NOT KNOW that ok is an abbreviation?? Well... I guess I can see how that would be so. I'm certainly reliant on the spell-check feature as it is. I guess it's a good thing that the one word it doesn't know is one I don't actually have any questions about!
I lost my apartment and many of my household goods. I found that it was a great opportunity to start fresh, and not carry old associations into my new life.
I lost my marriage and my free health care. I found that I don't need all the doctor visits I'd been making... and I found myself. Free. Self-Sufficient. Reliable (though often a bit late-- it's the Leo in me). Resilient. Content with now.
I lost my husband's income and later my job. I found a better job. I also found that I alone on a small income don't carry nearly as much debt as we did together with a much bigger income, and I'm not juggling funds to make ends meet anymore either. I found that I know how to balance a budget, and how to go without cable TV and dinner out every week.
I lost my support network when I moved to a new state. I found that my support network was a lot bigger than I'd realized, and that the people who love and support you will ALWAYS love and support you-- and the people who are there for what you give them... I found that I don't miss giving myself away to selfish people. I found my own value and my own will to succeed.
I spent a lot of time worrying, and whining and complaining and analyzing all that had happened or might happen IF... But once I started trusting myself and my abilities-- and my decisions-- I realized that I am really grateful for the life I have. I have a way to support myself-- and even if I'm using the credit card to pay for my gas right now, I won't always. I have good friends who support me (and put themselves in danger to help me get out of hell)-- and who let me support them in return. I have organic food in my fridge. I have my life, my cat, and my netfix subscription to get me through until I can afford cable and dating again (time-wise, emotions-wise, AND money-wise). I have a clean little 2-room apartment with things in it that I love and that I CHOOSE TO HAVE in my space, and a sunny back patio where my geranium seeds and basil seeds and heavenly bamboo plant all thrive. (The ants are even leaving my pumpkin sprouts alone for the moment!) I have my grandmother's dining table. I have the desk my dad made for me in college. I have the creaky oak desk chair from my childhood. I have my parents' old bed frame. I have a washer and dryer, a mailing address, and a lock on the front door.
I may not have money in the bank or real chairs in my apartment for guests, but I am surrounded by love and growth and beauty. I'd take this life over any other I've lived any day of the week. And I know that if I hadn't lived through all those other times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate everything good that I have now. I just wouldn't see it, because I'd be looking for the cushy new sofa and the matching bedroom set and the big back yard and the happily-ever-after marriage. And those aren't real. What I have is real, and joyful, and I have it because I made it so.
I look at the situations that the people I care about are dealing with, and I know they are carrying burdens. I know life can be tough, and some of them are dealing with tough times. I know that I needed to talk and process to get through those hard times in my own life, and so I want to be here and be listening for them. But I also know that if their perspective doesn't broaden to include the abundance that IS in their lives, they will never find happiness. They will always be burdened by the challenges they face, and will never get to celebrate the gifts they already have-- the ones they brought into their own lives through their own efforts. The people, the pets, the safe and comfortable homes that they surround themselves with. The skills they have. The goals they set and that they will meet. The goals they've already reached.
I find myself wanting to reach through the phone and shake them. CELEBRATE, DAMMIT! But I know that right now, many of them just can't see the reasons to do so. And I know I wouldn't want their challenges for myself. I guess the difference is that I believe I can create the life I want for myself. If I will positive change, and focus my energy on what I'm working toward. If I take the right steps and put can-do energy into the world-- I know that is what I'll get back.
Bad things do happen to good people-- and it is not that good person's fault if they bump into a mass murderer on a tear or something. But I can say about my life that the big bad things I've overcome all had great lessons to them. I never want to live through them again-- and I don't wish those or any other bad times on anyone-- but I wouldn't be as full and great a human being now if I hadn't had those very experiences. If you could hear what goes on in my mind when I realize I've got a BIG REASON to complain-- it would sound a bit like this:
"Oh, hegll. This sucks. Great. Another reason to grow. Well, what can I learn from THIS one? What might be going on to make that person do that? Can I think of anything that could possibly put me in their shoes one day? ...Well, I guess I can have a bit of compassion. (or-- Nope. I'm so glad I will never be like this person!) Man, personal growth is exhausting. I'd better plan some down time into my week. Okay. You know, this is actually a good thing in some ways, because ...." And suddenly, it's not all bad. Of course, sometimes this process takes 2 minutes, and sometimes it takes 2 months. Depends on the situation. And on how fast I can grow to encompass the lessons I take from it. Growth itself is definitely not predictable. And, in the meantime, my friends will definitely be getting that call from me where all I want to do is process and whine.
Yeah, I do that. But inside... inside I know my life is full of reasons to celebrate, and abundance is everywhere, if only I choose to look. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life-- but I've found so much more because of it. Things WILL improve. I will make it so.
And by the way, I find it very strange that the spell-check on the blog postings editor does not recognize the word "okay" in it's proper grammatical spelling. It gets a red highlight every time. Weird. Did the computer geeks who make the latest programs NOT KNOW that ok is an abbreviation?? Well... I guess I can see how that would be so. I'm certainly reliant on the spell-check feature as it is. I guess it's a good thing that the one word it doesn't know is one I don't actually have any questions about!
Saturday, April 7
edu.com
So as many of you know, I am going to school ONLINE. I am totally insane. But we already knew that...
Going to school online consists of remembering to get online and login to the student blackboard program, and check in with my various classes in their online environments. Each professor has listed the information for upcoming assignments, each week's readings and projects, etc in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PART of their class webpages. Then I have to do the readings-- most of them are online, and since I won't be reading them more than once, I don't print them out. Saves resources and time.
Then I have a "discussion" to participate in for each class. Sometimes more than one discussion, for each week of class, for each class I'm taking, for the semester. I had one class with an average of three discussions each week. They take longer than the readings. Really. To "participate," one must access the given discussion webpage, and immediately create one's own email-o-input about the topic, without reading what anyone else wrote. This is to prove you've done the reading, and thought about it.
Then, you have to open each email-o-input from each other student in the class, and open any attached emails-o-comments from students ON that input... and somewhere in there, you have to give your own emails-o-comments on other students' input. A minimum of two pithy continuations of the conversation is required to count as "participating in discussion"... for each discussion, times the number of discussions you have to participate in each week. This is the process. It's painful. And somehow, it almost-but-not-quite totally does NOT resemble a classroom discussion. And spell-checking. Lets not forget we're trying to appear professional at all times, here. Spell-check everything you submit before you submit it. Everything.
So really, it's not a single discussion in which everyone participates... it's as many discussions as you have classmates, with long pauses to open and close each email in the discussion, so you can read it. And you have to check back later in the week to see if anyone has responded to your input or commentary. Only then can it be an actual give-take discussion. OH- and the professors pretty much never participate in the discussion. Nope. They just sit there and make little participation check-marks in their big black grading books. Oh joy.
You don't do an online program to save time. You do it so that you can determine when you spend all that time. And so that you can live and work uninterruptedly while getting your education. But it's totally up to you to remember to check all the right places. It isn't like you get reminders from your prof and classmates on major upcoming assignments just by keeping your ears open in class. There is no class. Classless.
Okay. Wild Kitty. On a Tear. Must Run.
Going to school online consists of remembering to get online and login to the student blackboard program, and check in with my various classes in their online environments. Each professor has listed the information for upcoming assignments, each week's readings and projects, etc in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PART of their class webpages. Then I have to do the readings-- most of them are online, and since I won't be reading them more than once, I don't print them out. Saves resources and time.
Then I have a "discussion" to participate in for each class. Sometimes more than one discussion, for each week of class, for each class I'm taking, for the semester. I had one class with an average of three discussions each week. They take longer than the readings. Really. To "participate," one must access the given discussion webpage, and immediately create one's own email-o-input about the topic, without reading what anyone else wrote. This is to prove you've done the reading, and thought about it.
Then, you have to open each email-o-input from each other student in the class, and open any attached emails-o-comments from students ON that input... and somewhere in there, you have to give your own emails-o-comments on other students' input. A minimum of two pithy continuations of the conversation is required to count as "participating in discussion"... for each discussion, times the number of discussions you have to participate in each week. This is the process. It's painful. And somehow, it almost-but-not-quite totally does NOT resemble a classroom discussion. And spell-checking. Lets not forget we're trying to appear professional at all times, here. Spell-check everything you submit before you submit it. Everything.
So really, it's not a single discussion in which everyone participates... it's as many discussions as you have classmates, with long pauses to open and close each email in the discussion, so you can read it. And you have to check back later in the week to see if anyone has responded to your input or commentary. Only then can it be an actual give-take discussion. OH- and the professors pretty much never participate in the discussion. Nope. They just sit there and make little participation check-marks in their big black grading books. Oh joy.
You don't do an online program to save time. You do it so that you can determine when you spend all that time. And so that you can live and work uninterruptedly while getting your education. But it's totally up to you to remember to check all the right places. It isn't like you get reminders from your prof and classmates on major upcoming assignments just by keeping your ears open in class. There is no class. Classless.
Okay. Wild Kitty. On a Tear. Must Run.
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