Transitions

This seems to be a big year for transitions. For example, I've moved in with my awesome boyfriend, and I've made some real changes in the way I spend my time and energy. I never thought I'd find a relationship worth compromising for-- but all good relationships require some compromises. I never thought I'd be happy without a solidly planned career path-- but I am. I'm even done with the first fully edited copy of my book. (Of course, it'll go through more changes once I find an agent/publisher.)

And oddly enough, I realized that one of the biggest and toughest transitions we face is death. I know and have known so many amazing and wonderful people-- and in the past few months, so many of them have been faced with the death of a loved one. It's a really tough thing. Hardest for those who remain behind when someone passes on.

Makes me realize that the most important thing we have to give in life is ourselves. Fully, authentically, and gratefully. My loved-ones have always been my number one priority. Today, for instance, I dropped everything and went to visit my wonderful friend Kim, and her 22 year old son, Aaron. He's come home from the hospital for now. And even though the list of things he can't do anymore continues to grow (eat, sleep, swallow, move, talk, breathe...) his sense of humor, and his stubborn determination to LIVE keeps shining through. I am in awe.

It's a difficult thing. Unimaginable. And yet, I know that even good transitions are difficult. Partly because we have to change, but also because we are often afraid of all those unknowns on the other side. I think we Americans are not trained to see change-- to see death-- as anything but fearful and dark. How do we change that? How do we make peace with the irrevocable turning of life's wheel? How do we gain an honest understanding of what we can change, and what we cannot? How do we forgive death from taking away a piece of our hearts?

I don't know. I do know that it has become important to me, over the past few years, to live every day of my life well. To be proud of what I've done, and who I've done it for, and how, and why. Tonight, I'll stay up late working on those emails and work proposals and client projects that I put off today. And it'll be worth it. Because today I spent time with two good friends that I might not get to see tomorrow. I let a mother cry on my shoulder. I participated in the conversation that let her son relive better times, and laugh. Today, I didn't let myself down.

Some people are forced to become adults before they even graduate high school. Some people become adults at thirty, or fifty, or sixty-five. Some people live long lives without ever really having an adult understanding of-- or taking adult responsibility for-- their lives and the lives they touch. It's an interesting transition.

Today, I called my mother on the phone, and cried, so that I could smile and tell funny stories when I visited my friends. And I'll stay up late working so that the other people who are counting on me to do my part and support their professional goals won't be disappointed. I don't want to let them down either.

So here's a toast-- and a hug-- to my friends and family. May you always be one-and-the-same, and may you always know how much I appreciate having you in my life. Whatever else is going on. Because- hey- change is the only constant we have. And the world is such a beautiful place to live.

Seasonal Sustenance

I feel so lucky to be dating a man who actually asks ME to go Christmas shopping with HIM. And who is secure enough (and loves his niece enough) to spend a whole 20 minutes in the pink-and-girly plastic-toys-with-hair aisle at a large and busy store on a Friday Night while we agonize over which MyLittlePony is the right one to give a well-loved four-year-old. And then he bought her two.

Also, there are three cats snoozing on my bed right now. Mostly because I turned the heater on in my room, and cats like to be warm. The grey boys are all curled up together in a ball on one end, and Abbigale rests in majesty on her heated pet-pad with the flannel pillowcase on it (washable) at the other end. And there is a bit of half-hearted eyes-closed paw-licking going on, which is the very best kind, except when they take turns cleaning each other's faces.

AND I think I've nearly gotten my monthly expenses for the new year down to something that one might actually be able to pay with a part-time or lower-wage job. It gives me options. And hope. And if I DO get a job that actually pays me what I'm worth-- then I'll be able to pay off all those darn debts THAT MUCH FASTER!! Which is a very exciting possibility.

Why is it that Christmas has become a time of death-gripping our concentration on money, of all things?! I find that appalling. I also recently found my "just-in-case" box of little gifts I picked up here and there over the past three years because I thought somebody might like them. And that box is saving my bacon this Christmas. YAY for being so excited about giving that I randomly buy maybe someone would like this gifts, and then store them until a time when I have no money and lots of people who need to know I love them. YAY!!! (and if you don't get a little gifty from me this year, know I still love you anyway...)

And the best news of the season? When I move in with GB, I'll get to bring most of my kitchen gear with me. And he'll treat it with the same careful respect he treats HIS stuff. I can't wait to have access to my kitchen gear again!! YAY!

And finally? I'm in the midst of the second step of the three-step process one goes through to make their book ready for publication. THE SECOND STEP, PEOPLE. As soon as I've gotten a solid 50 pages-- the first 50 pages-- ready to go, I can start applying for agents again. AND EVEN EXPECT TO GET ONE. It's going to be so awesome to finally see this book in print.

Well, 2009 was the Year of Integration. I wonder what 2010 will bring. I hope it's the year I get solid in my career. That'd be nice. Or maybe it'll be the year of being Centered and Balanced. Or the year of fruitful beginnings? I like fruit. Especially apples and dried bananas.

Seasonal Sustenance. What's in YOUR stocking this year??

Convergence

So I've been going through a month-long five-step interview process with a company I'd like to work for. They help new college students handle the challenges of school, balance other demands on their time and energy, and access resources that will ultimately help those students stay in school, graduate, and meet their personal goals.

I'm also having this interesting awareness that I thought I'd share--

I was writing my book, and writing about the "standard solgdier" lifestyle. How he usually has a buzz-cut and a big-ass man-truck with a killer stereo. How he loves to eat beef, and prays to God before dinner every night. How nearly everyone who populates his world is physically fit, heterosexual, and between the ages of 18-45. And I got to "talking" about how different Agrmy social norms are from Civilian ones. Here's a piece of what I wrote:

In many ways, I still haven’t finished assimilating into this larger and more diverse civil society. For example, an Agrmy Wife could not be friends with a man who was not her husband. It raised eyebrows. Just being seen riding in a car with a man who was not your husband was enough to make you a hot topic at the next FRG potluck. Is she having an affair? Does her husband know? Is her husband away on a mission right now? Does anybody here have a husband who knows the poor bastard well enough to tell him about his wife’s affair when he gets home?

I met a married friend for dinner at a noisy sushi restaurant the other day. We were discussing his research and my job search, so he suggested sitting beside me at the oversized table, instead of across from me. It’d be easier to hear without spitting at each other and yelling out about this book he’s writing about a lesbian love affair in the 12th century. Already nervous about having dinner with my friend, and not his wife (to whom I know he is totally devoted), I had to stop and think about what it means to sit on the same side of the table as a married man in a civilian context. I only knew what it meant in the mgilitary one. Of course, in the mgilitary, we wouldn’t have been eating a meal together, or discussing lesbian love affairs and 12th century politics, at all.

Of course, in this new context, and with this particular person, it didn't mean anything at all, except that the restaurant was noisy! It's just interesting to realize that I became an adult while inside the mgilitary arena, and that I've had to learn to be an adult all over again as a civilian.

And there are still occasionally situations that I haven't dealt with in a civilian context. When they come up, I'm reminded all over again of this clash between what I originally learned, and what is appropriate/real now. I guess I'm a life-long-learner on many different fronts indeed.

Another facet of this process occurred in my "job-shadow" interview yesterday. I was talking with one of the Student Coaches, and she told me that part of her strategy for working with these college students is to realize that nobody makes huge life-altering changes. To be realistic in helping them set goals, and in recognizing that "success" and "progress" for a student with poor study skills and a terrible GPA is different than for a prize pupil. According to her experience, after working with hundreds of new students, the goal is to help these students see their current situation clearly, and then take baby steps forward from there. And I don't know that I particularly disagree...

But I had to realize that part of what sets me apart from general society is the fact that I've made huge life-altering changes in who I am and how I operate and process new information and make decisions MANY TIMES. That I'm not afraid of learning new and better ways to be. (Though LB can tell you just how stubborn I am about asking for help-- I'm still working on that one.)

I've had a lot of fear and challenges in the past few years. But in the past few months, since I got serious about writing this book that remembers my life in the Argmy, I've also had a lot of examples presented to me of just what seriously tough shit I've lived through, what unfair or unexpected challenges I've overcome, and how strong and neat of a person I really am now, on the far side of those major life- and self-changes. I'm proud of who I am now, and I'm learning to appreciate just how awesome my accomplishments in this lifetime are. It's heartening, when so many other things seem to be falling apart.

Not Even Funny

My cat is in the Animal Hospital today. They're trying to figure out why she stopped eating and drinking two days ago, why her chest hurts, why she has a build-up of gas, why she's been puking and other grossness for the last 24 hours, at both ends. And how to make it all better.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to cope. She is a fixture in my life. She is one of my best friends, and my life-companion. She is only ten years old. And if she needs surgery to remove an obstruction in her bowels, I'm not sure I can pay for it.

I'm trying to figure out how to make my situation go away. How to have a job, or another credit card, so that I could have a hope of paying for this. Or rent. Rent would be nice to be able to pay, too. I'm trying to figure out how I got so desperate financially that I would even consider NOT getting this $800-$2000 surgery for my Abbigale. I'm looking into donations from animal-rescue organizations. I'm looking into my credit card totals to see how bad they really are. I'm looking into payment plans. My vet is looking into some possible other cause for her illness.

I'm trying to cope with my sudden reality that I've already spent $600 on her medical care today, and that I really don't want to wake up without her tomorrow... and that it costs less to put my best friend to sleep than to heal her... but even that would be expensive. I'm really trying to cope with reality, but failing.

Because the reality is that she is my one ability to keep coping with my life. She gives me a reason to get up (even if it's a half-hour earlier than I wanted to get up), and she helps me sleep at night. She loves me unconditionally, and forgives me for being selfish and stupid from time to time. Nobody else does that. How can I weigh her life against something as stupid as two or three months' worth of rent payments.

I have some wonderful wonderful human friends-- and some of them have really been there for me when I've been in tight spots at various times. But believe me-- I've spent more time being content because SHE was content to be with me than I have just happy on my own account. So here it is.

The last few shreds of hope I have are that maybe the problem is something that can actually be fixed without surgery... or that I won the lottery last week and just don't know it yet. Because as much as I need a job, and want the opportunity to earn my way-- I'm going to feel like shit if I get a good-paying job within a few days or weeks of putting her to sleep for lack of funds.

I know that my desires are purely selfish here-- the desire to keep her alive, and the desire not to go into debt to do so. And I've realized, that as much as it's going to hurt-- whatever the outcome-- what I really want is for her to know I love her, and for her not to suffer. Whatever that means, I think I can make my peace with it. Eventually. After the heart-hurt eases a bit, and the empty spot starts to heal. I know I'm never going to fill her spot.

Today, I'm just sitting around waiting for news, researching dead-end financial options and grant moneys for emergency pet care, and crying. At least, after I made the vet appointment last night, she and I had the whole night to lay together and cuddle on the bed. And even though she had to get off the bed to vommit and have diareah about five or six times, she always made her way back up to where she could sleep on my arm, curled into my side.

God, Goddess, please let her live.

Draining

Holy Tamoly, what does that cat EAT?! And SHIGHT I hope she burries it well now that she's done digesting it. That REEKS. Like-- tears to my eyes-- REEKS!!!

Excuse me-- that wasn't how I intended to start this post. It's just a sudden distraction on the road of life here. A sudden smelly kitty distraction that I must now take a few moments to mercifully dispose of. Mercifully for my NOSE.

Well, now. Moving right along.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! It has been an interesting year. Full of self-reflection, self-promotion, and self-denial. I moved (twice), I got snowed in (twice), I integrated myself into someone else's household (twice)... I sense a theme.

I've held workshops, had booths at faires and retreats and festivals, gotten published here and there, and created a loyal client base. I've applied for jobs, I've narrowed my activities, I've tried unsuccessfully to sell my (perfectly great) car and reduce my overall mandatory expenditures. I've been to a lot more friendly get-togethers and outright parties than in the past five years combined. I've enjoyed myself more at each of them than at the most lavish and well-organized military gathering I ever attended.

I've gotten serious about writing my book, too. It's time.

I spent the new year with a new friend. Even had a (friendly) kiss at midnight from someone I respect. Stayed out until nearly 3am. When was the last time THAT happened?! Lots of good conversations, lots of opportunities to grow my network and finally feel that I belong here in town. Reconnected with old friends this year, too, and that felt good in its own way. Old friends are important.

As with each of the past few years, I feel that I've grown and changed SO MUCH over what is really a brief span of time. I've learned so much about who I am, what I'm capable of, and what values/opportunities/realities/activities/ beliefs I really care to pursue or maintain in my life. It's been highly rewarding, and very draining.

More recently, as in last night and continuing through this very moment, the term "draining" refers to what we'd like the basement to do. It's flooded. Check that. It's FLOODING in a seeping run-down-the-walls kind of way. My housemate and I took turns going down to wet-vac the puddle every hour or so all night, to minimize the spread of wet. Thing is, between all that snow and the last two days of heavy rain, there just isn't anyplace in the ground for all that water to GO. After staying up late the morning before, staying up to help until after midnight last night, getting up for my turns at 2am and again at 4am, and getting up this morning to start all over again... I'm tired. You might even say, "drained."

And yet my level of worry/stress has gone down dramatically in the last week. That's good. Nobody wants a heart attack at age 30. I guess I'm really hopeful that the new year, new administration, and new possibilities in my own life will bear fruit that is both sustaining and sustainable. That would be a real gift for all of us. May the new year be full of positive changes, and good luck for all. We need it.

PT for Writers

Every Wednesday night, I attend a writing group. I look forward all week to this event, excited to read my pages and hear the feedback from my peers and advisers. Every week, I am nearly late, frantically pulling together my pages, my final edits, my nerve-- and heading off to work.

And it is work. I am writing down some difficult memories, to be picked over as a stranger might do a cold plate of french fries after lunch. It is hard for me to visualize some past events with enough clarity to write them down so others can vicariously experience those events, too. Hard because I don't want to relive those times. Hard because old wounds heal slowly, and my flesh is still tender. The critiques are always helpful-- but sometimes they still hurt.

Driving home tonight, I realized I was shaking with the after-effects of fight-or-flight adrenaline. That primed response of our bodies in a state of sudden fear. It is scary to remember a time we never want to repeat. It is exhausting, and emotionally draining, too.

Why do I do this? Why do I keep writing, editing, returning every Wednesday night for another dose of dread? Well... I thought about that on my way home. I realized that the truth I share with my clients also applies to me. If I want to find the lessons that will help me move beyond a bad memory or experience, I have to work through the experience. I have to be willing to go piece-by-piece through my past, and throw out what isn't useful. Claim the lessons. Claim my inner strength, my integrity, my changes and the personal growth that I've experienced since those events occurred.

I am lucky. Writing is, for me, cleansing. Putting down on a page all the things I didn't want to forget, but hate to remember-- It lets me rest from the burden of remembering. It lets me put down the memory without fear of losing or repeating the lesson-- I can re-read it any time I feel a need. I am literally lightening my load at each Wednesday night Writer's Group. Freeing up mental and emotional space one jaw-clenching page at a time. Making room for something new.

Just after a car accident, we are in trauma. When the danger has past, and the person stabilized, there is often a long and painful period of physical therapy. A time when we re-learn how to inhabit our bodies, and work through the pain of healing. And so I look forward to these sessions, knowing I'll be exhausted and in pain at the end. Knowing that it's a good kind of pain, and not a punishment. Knowing that I am re-learning how to inhabit my emotional landscape, learning how best to lean forward into my life.

I have seen friends in crisis who were so scared of the pain they might feel if they acknowledged the hurtful situation they were in-- that they simply refused to get therapy. The fear of the healing process was bigger than the ugly situation they were actually living in. We seem, intuitively, to know just how painful it will be to work through our injuries and our traumas. And yet, so often, we turn a blind eye to the trauma or the situation that we live through every day instead.

Getting help, asking for someone to hold your hand and help you move through the pain toward a healthier life, it's a big deal. I have great respect for anyone who can battle their fear enough to ask for help-- to keep asking for help until they are well. Who uses that extra bit of energy that allows us to learn from old hurts, and old patterns, so that we don't repeat them. So that we understand our own personal process of healing, and are able to fully embrace our individual presence in the world.

Driving home from my Writer's Group tonight, I appreciated all over again the courage and the energy my clients put into their own healing process. I honor their victory and their commitment to becoming fully themselves. Their willingness to come back to the table every couple of weeks, ready for more hard work. And then I sit at my computer, and write another chapter in my own story, getting ready for next week's healing critique.

ReconFiguring

I just love when I come up with a catchy title!!

Had an appointment to go play this morning-- wanted to have a good handle on where I'm at and how I feel about it before I went. About once every two months, I get together with the kids I used to nanny, and their mom, for a morning of activities that really take two attentive adults to pull off. This time, it was a HUGE PLAY STRUCTURE FORT THING with about six slides, lots of twisty turns, climbing opportunities, ropes, tunnels, ladders, HOLY CRAP this thing was cool!! OH-- and a nice swing set on the side. With two children under the age of four, you really do need an adult for each of them. Just to make sure they do okay on the stairs.

Mom always asks how my life is. Great people-- and I love catching up with the whole family whenever we can coordinate our schedules. But there it is. I chose to stop working for them. Eight months ago when I really put my job search into high gear. How is my life doing, now, really??

So I thought through it. I realized that if I'd actually gotten any of those distant library jobs, I would never have met the awesome group of folks who make up my primary social network just now. I would never have gotten into acupuncture (or... I don't THINK I would have...) and started healing my old neck injury. I would never have (again-- speculation) realized just how gifted a listener I can sometimes be... or turned it into my own business practice. I really thought I'd have to wait a few decades to put that aspiration into practice. BUT HERE I AM!!! And the biggest "oh. Hey!" of all? I would not still be around to recognize and cope with certain nameless family illnesses.

With all that in mind, I'm really glad that things have worked out the way they did. Granted, I'd now like to get a reliable source of income... but the awesome thing is that my perspective and knowledge of what that job might look like has expanded considerably, just in the last month. It may even be possible that more than one job exists out there that would benefit from MANY different aspects of my life experience, education, and training to date. And some of those jobs actually pay enough that I could live far far away, and fly home five or six times a year, without hocking my cat for collateral on a loan. I've been doing a bit of recon on that one...

Take Account Coordinating, for example. Here's a general job description:
Coordinates new and existing accounts, focusing on client satisfaction, revenue optimization, and account growth. Communicates with clients on a regular basis, providing support, marketing ideas, product updates, and reporting. Organizes advertising and coordinates scheduling and promotions to ensure client satisfaction and project completion. Assists Account Executives in maintaining and nurturing client relationships.

Supports account team in daily program management activities, such as media tracking, list building, Internet research, copy editing, crafting materials, coordinating scheduling and promotions, conducting pitch calls, developing data bases, implementing strategies and research projects, coordinating mailings, assembling press packets, training kits or other materials, and general office and client support. Participates in internal client brainstorming sessions by offering ideas for each project.

Makes recommendations to project lead on how to improve a project. Collaborates with project/team lead to effectively complete scope of work so that it is top quality but also within the terms of the contract. Assists in managing vendor relationships to ensure deliverables are produced accurately, on time, and within budget. Provides research, data consolidation, and recommendation development used to create internal reports, process documents, and/or industry trend reporting.

Serves as a liaison for the account team to marketing team members and the Corporate Communications Department for the dissemination of information. Executes strategies through writing, editing, proofreading, desktop publishing, and web content. Schedules client meetings and teleconferences for team and helps prepare materials for them. Coordinates event logistics. Represents organization at industry or skill specific meetings or conferences. Crafts audits that can be included in communications plans. Creates work plans, and meets project deadlines as set by team lead. Provides administrative support when necessary.

Now, take this description, and apply it to a company that promotes educational tools to schools, teachers, and students-- kindergarten through college. Does that NOT just put together every job I (or my entire extended family) have ever held, and allow me to do ALL the things I do best-- AT THE SAME TIME?! Even better, the low end of the pay scale starts at $50,000-- plus benefits. SHIT!!! Did they x-ray my LIFE before they wrote that or WHAT?!

Anyway, I'm excited that such a position exists, and that people who attain it are clearly appreciated for their contribution to the success of the team as a whole. THAT appeals to me. And, maybe, I'd be able to take enough time off to come home at regular intervals. To be and do here what I feel I must. To get hugs, get caught up, get fed, and stay in touch with all the wonderful people and places that I've come to love so well in the past eight months.

So far, when I finally got OUT of the hard times in my life, I realized that I'd gained in both opportunities and awarenesses-- parts of me that I would never have needed to uncover if life had been as easy as I'd hoped. With this new possibility (among others) on the horizon, it's easy to figure that maybe there's a beautiful silver lining to this "not-quite-employed" cloud I've been under for so long.

I'll keep you posted.

Chaos, and the Rules that Cause It:

I have been walking around with a list in my head. Well, okay-- I walk around with a LOT of lists in my head... but THIS ONE was the list of "how it's supposed to be." You'd think I'd have learned my lesson about demanding that the universe conform to my plans, but no.

I once thought that happiness was caused by doing what you're "supposed to do." So I went to college, and then I got married, and I had a job, and we bought a house, ... and I wasn't really very happy most of the time.

When I refused to be a part of that train wreck any longer, and started over with the "go to college" bit, I realized that there isn't really a tangible recipe for happiness. There isn't a check-list to success. Not in the way you check off the steps of a home renovation, for example.

Then, I created a new plan. I'd get my new degree, and that would lead to my new career. Once I had a new career, I could finally pay off my debts and have health care, thus leading to a healthy healed body, and building a solid foundation for me to finally start looking for new relationships. And all of this would have to happen "somewhere else." Somewhere with no old patterns to contend with as I fought to create new and healthy ways of being.

It's only been in the past month that I finally realized that maybe, even if I wasn't getting that career job in library world, maybe I COULD be working on other goals. And then things started to fall into place. Serendipity, I think it's called.

I found an awesome house-mate. I moved into her house, and felt at home. She introduced me to a friend of hers who gives great massage (for free, until he gains his certification), and happens to also be a very wellness-oriented Yoga Master. And I called up my Uncle Rod's Acupuncturist, and discovered that she would do a straight trade with me-- one of my skills in exchange for one of hers. So, for no money, I suddenly find my body healing. I even played three consecutive rounds of a great bean-bag-toss game called "Corn Hole." I swear, it's true. There's a whole league of semi-serious players here-- and there are official rules, and everything! I played this game with only some temporary discomfort in my shoulder, where I'd once have been in agony for days after. This is an improvement I'd like to facilitate! It's EXCITING!!!

Now, I'm meeting other great people, and I've also developed a supportive and growing friendship with someone I knew in high school. Not the boy-- it's been three weeks since I last heard from him. I'm not holding my breath. And it's okay. I feel no personal insult or loss from it, though I still think he'd have made an interesting and appealing friend. No, this one is my friend, DS. She's personally funding and creating a really amazing non-profit that supports the cultural historians and artists in Guinea, in Africa. Her dedication, knowledge, and the need for her work are just amazing.

Oddly enough, my Personal & Professional Life Coaching business has picked up, too. Out of rather humid summer air have appeared five paying clients. WOW!!! I look forward to more as the year progresses.

And suddenly, I realize: Here I am. My body is healing, and I'm growing a great community of friends. I have a wonderful place to live, and the beginnings of a career (even if it stays part-time for a while) I love. I've started to incorporate healthy new patterns to my life, and I've done it all RIGHT HERE. So, I've started looking around for a job that might let me stay local for a while longer. And there is one. Don't know if I'll get it, but I plan to do everything in my power to promote that possibility. I'd be doing research, and collection development for a vendor who works with academic libraries. My two favorite aspects of being a librarian-- combined-- and I'd get to do them for more than one library at once. Talk about service opportunities!!

On top of all that, I just met someone wonderful. I don't know if we'll be friends or if there'll be more to it than that... but I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know this man better. He's mature, and thoughtful, and I really enjoyed talking/listening with him, and he has two cats-- who he spoils rotten. It's a good start.

It's so exciting for life to feel good right now!

Finding Time

This is actually a post about Yoga. Maybe I'm just talking about how hard it is to take time out of my day for me... and how I connect that with being female in this time and place. Maybe it's something else all together. As I wrote it, the post just kept getting longer and longer... I think I'm worried that I didn't share this lesson well enough, or that I'm talking to people who only exist in my head... I'm worried that I will sound pitiful, or worse-- preachy... I sometimes think that we, as women, often have too hard a time recognizing our own wisdom and our own worth... So I'm not going to cut this one down to a more manageable size. I think it's important. Whatever it is.

See, there's this list of "someday" goals in my head. The ones I never do find time to commit to-- ones that don't put food on the table, a roof over my head, and don't benefit anyone but me. This is where I keep my desires like spending a whole week at a bed-and-breakfast on the beach, instead of using my vacation time and money on a trip to Michigan with my family every year... The list that has my wish to learn how to make bread-- good old hearty nutty flavorful bread. My desire for a gym membership ended up on this list, too. With a limited income, a weekly lunch with the people I love is just more important, for the price. And I still haven't found energy or supplies to build that Navajo Loom I want to play with-- nor research what kind of string I'd need to warp it with. Come to think of it-- when would I have time?

I'm not willing to give up my sleep-- the whole "get up 30 minutes earlier" plan just sounds like a way to substitute one healthy thing for another when I hear it. Less sleep, but more exercise... is that really helping me? Or less sleep but more time to write, more time to meditate, more time for a walk every day, more time to fix a healthy lunch before I go to work-- Suddenly I wonder if I shouldn't just be staying up all night to find the extra time I want for ALL the things I want to enjoy in my day!

So I'm not going to give up sleep to improve my life. That's an oxymoron waiting to happen. But I do want to include more good stuff in the time that I'm awake (and fewer morons). Maybe I don't need as much time checking email before I start my day. Maybe I don't need as much time watching movies to unwind at night before bed. Maybe I need to start out slowly. Maybe I already have.

I found a book on Yoga-- it has a 5-minute routine in it. And once I made time for five minutes of yoga in my morning prep... it wasn't so hard to move up to the 15-minute version the book also offers. Heck! I might eventually work my way up to the 90-minute yoga routine the book includes before the year is gone! And I found a book called Gardener's Yoga, by Veronica D'Orazio (Sasquatch Books, 2006). I'm actually giving this one to my mom for her birthday. I think it will suit her, so don't you go telling her about it first!

The book is split into three sections. The first section is a preparation for working the earth, and coincidentally contains about ten minutes of "getting started" Yoga poses. The second section is another ten minutes of Yoga, this time geared toward stretching out the kinks that come from all that weeding and squatting down. The last ten minute section is for the end of the day, to help your body relax after hard work. I love how well the poses flow into one another, and I love how well they are integrated into the seasons and the phases of the garden.

I've realized that the hard part about taking care of me has always been getting started. I've had trouble committing myself to spending large chunks of my time doing selfish things. And in my head, I thought of the things I want to do just for me-- like Yoga and writing and meditating and weaving... I've thought of them as a selfish way to spend my time. But on the days I do them, I'm a better worker at my day job, and I grow stronger as a person. I feel healthy, and I have more patience with the world. So for now, I may only spend ten minutes doing Yoga in the morning, but I'm learning to feel good about that. I see it as a foundation for more good things to grow from. I'm learning that taking good care of me has a good impact on the people around me, too. It's not wrong to love and care for myself. In fact, nobody else can do it better.

Maybe I didn't have to find the time so much as I had to convince myself that I am worth spending quality time on. ...And that I don't have to start doing it all at once. I certainly didn't learn that one from my mother, or my ex. In fact, most women I know have a very hard time (there's that word again!!) doing things for themselves in a consistent way, or having the things they do accepted by their partners as worth the time. There's always something more important they could be doing. But here's the challenge-- if YOU don't think you're important (if you don't think your NEEDS are important), nobody else will either. And that is wrong. You are important. Worth doing good things for.

I don't mean the extra chocolate bar when you've had a bad day... (well, not JUST that!) I mean that 20 minutes of uninterrupted meditation in a quiet room every night so you can sleep comfortably. I mean that hour on the phone with your family or your best friend who moved away five years ago-- every weekend, without trying to multi-task while you talk. I mean the five minutes you spend standing still to enjoy the beauty of a tree, and just BREATHE for a minute, as you rush between buildings, meetings, and soccer practice every afternoon. I mean that 10 minutes I'm spending on my Yoga every morning before work, and the effort it takes to keep a clean spot on the floor big enough to do it in. I mean refusing to stay up that extra half an hour at night to get everyone else ready for the next day-- while they sleep.

Somehow, we've learned that the job must be done right, and we're the only ones who can do the job that way. Somehow, we've agreed to take on the responsibility for the success or failure of every dream our family (even our society) has-- without including our dreams on the list. We take the leftovers. We take the hand-me-down computer. We don't ask for someone to do their share of the chores-- we ask them to help us out a little with the chores we do. We make the kids' lunch and work a 60 hour week. We scrimp and save our pennies so someone else can have their heart's desire. Someone who already spent their pennies on something frivolous and fun.

I don't mean to dishonor our sacrifices, and I know this isn't everyone's reality. I actually hold a great respect for the importance of compassion, of love. But that's just it. Compassion, Love, long-term planning, Sharing and Giving are IMPORTANT, and WORTHY OF RESPECT. And another thing I've learned-- from my own life and from watching those I love-- is that if we continue to give and give without ever replenishing ourselves, we burn out, and we eventually have nothing left to give to anyone.

So-- please-- make a difference in your own quality of life, long-term. Like ten minutes of Yoga before breakfast, or ten minutes of solitude before bed. Now that I've learned how to find the time, I am determined not to lose it again. I want to enjoy my life. I want to experience abundance so that I can share it whole-heartedly, without running dry. I want to honor the Goddess by honoring myself, and the women around me. I'm worth it. She's worth it. You're worth it. Slow down, and give yourself time to recharge.

I want to be my best self in this lifetime, and that means loving myself just as much as I love everyone else. That means it's okay to put my own needs first. To ensure that I have the strength and endurance to be there when others need me. It's okay to teach by my example that compassion and respect belong to everyone, not just an exclusive few who feel they have the right to receive it.

So... What will you find time for today?... what about tomorrow?

Soggy

Whatever else is or is not going on, I usually manage to keep busy. Martha Stewart busy. Like, I've got so many irons in the fire that there doesn't seem to be any room left for the logs. That kind of busy. So right now, even though I'm basically unemployed and tending toward barely contained panic about the fact that I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED JOB OFFERS (or even second round interviews) from any university libraries-- AND I TURNED DOWN THE ONE JOB OFFER I DID GET (because it wasn't a university library)... I'm not really finding any of what I'd call "free time" to apply for any MORE jobs. This is a problem.

So I quit my short-term "help someone out and get paid, but don't have to take it too seriously" job because it was taking over three days a week and Sundays. And I bid my local library a fond adieu for a few weeks because I was with them on the other two days of the week. I had a week left of those commitments (I like to give plenty of warning)... when my friend's life took a left turn, and she suddenly needed some serious levels of support. And I'm really glad I have the time to give it-- I just wish I wasn't stumbling around so much in the process. I feel like I'm taking more of her time, and offering no relief except moral support or something... but maybe I'll get more efficient, and maybe that's all she needed from me in the first place.

Hold on, my cat is trying to knock over the lamp again...

And I'm going to have this booth at this festival-- THIS WEEKEND... which has taken more time to prepare for than I'd realized, and which I'm really excited about... but it still takes time. And my dad's birthday was this month, so I went and visited my folks for a few days-- which was fun, and I rediscovered the joys of making baskets with my mom and all... but no jobs were applied for in the process. Maybe I just need to win the lottery so I can continue to go from friend to friend and from place to place, sewing good intentions and running the occasional helpful errand... and still be able to pay off my credit cards from college.

Or, maybe I just need to shore up my patience and my hopeful outlook once again, and MAKE TIME to apply for more library jobs in the near future. Maybe I should just grab my calendar right now, and budget one day a week as "Get-R-Done Day"... hang on, my calendar is in the other room...

Well, "other room" is a relative term. I'm lucky to have the space I have, and it's pleasant enough, though I miss having access to direct sunlight... it's just that I've probably got less than 300sf of living space here, and most of it is filled with someone else's things. And after a while, one begins to miss having a space that is truly "her own." And yet, if I didn't have this space, I'd be in real trouble. And I love the people who have lent it to me. I know they miss having the use of the space I currently occupy, and they went out of their way to make it usable while I'm here. It's a common situation, I think, to experience multiple emotions relating to a single reality-- and to be slightly overwhelmed by the complexity of feeling that such a simple event can spark. Another great example would have been the evening I was offered the public library job, and I turned it down.

Sometimes, I still wonder if I did the right thing. If I'd accepted, I'd be employed right now. And it was a good situation, with lots of opportunities for training, innovation, and outreach. The very things I want to be doing. Instead, I chose to bet that an even better fit was waiting for me, just around the corner. That I'd have other opportunities with situations that better fit my personal desires at this point. And so I wait. And wonder if my lack of confidence feeds my lack of realization of those desires, or if the lack of action on the "better job search front" feeds my flagging confidence in my previous choice.

I see the economy nosing down, I see that in a year or a few years, anyone who is still employed will be lucky, and that our nation will have to go through some truly painful changes in order to survive at all... and I wonder if I just threw away my best bet at a secure future. But I also think that universities and colleges are more likely to continue having funding than public libraries, and there is a spark inside me that refuses to be snuffed by circumstance. If I look closely enough at that little flame, I know that I do believe I'll get a good job offer, and that I'll make it through. That I'll eventually look back and realize that this was another opportunity-- a gift from the universe to further my learning and deepen my connection with both suffering and with joy. But right now, I feel soggy.

That sensation of being damp down to my underwear, cold, uncomfortable, and unrealized. Well, I guess that means its the perfect time for a hot shower, a hairdryer, and a project to complete before dinner. I never realized before how much my enjoyment of dancing in the rain depended on the sure knowledge that I had a warm home, a hot & healthy meal, and a change of clothes waiting for me at the end of the journey.

Apple, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie...

Okay, so that was for counting down to the FINDING part of Hide-and-Seek... but Eeanie-Meeenie-Mynie-MOE was harder to spell. And really, I'm writing about choices.

To use LOL dialect:
Choices. I has dem.

And that is both more terrible and more wonderful than I could ever have imagined. You see, I'm job-hunting. I graduated, and unless I really want to rack up MORE student loans by going back to school AGAIN, this is my option. Job-hunting. Truthfully, I'm incredibly excited about having a job. As a Reference Librarian. That pays. Legally.

I've been living on loans and credit cards for a while now, and I'm really looking forward to getting them all paid off-- and doing it with real money that I actually EARNED MYSELF! And to top it all off, I love going into a library and knowing I belong there. Getting to wear the little tag (when I can find it) that tells people I actually have a RIGHT to offer them suggestions. Because, you know, I do it all the time anyway. In bookstores and train stations and shopping malls-- My friend, SLM, thinks we all have big blue signs on our foreheads that read "Information"... because even when we DON'T volunteer to help, we get asked. I guess we have that air of approachability mixed with a fine sense of capability or something... Kind of like a drunk on a bike. Nope, not driving... are you kidding? But still moving forward.

Ummm... okay, maybe not like a drunk on a bike.

The point is that I suddenly find myself with options. I'm getting interviews-- and follow-up interviews. I'm getting positive feedback, and if I cross my fingers (andmaybemytoes) and wiggle my nose, I might even get a job offer-- or two or three. And that means I get to decide if I want to be University or Public-oriented. And if I want to live in the Pacific Northwest, or if anyplace north of south will do. I get to decide where I live (sort of) and how I spend my new (upcoming, when I get a job) income. I get to decide what committees to join (usually-- some of them are automatic 'cause I'm the new guy and nobody else will take that one)... I have choices.

And it's scaring the be-jezus out of me.
How the hgell do I know???!

The one thing I HAVE figured out is that I'm going to have fun wherever I end up. Because I'll be a librarian, and because I'll have chosen that place for that period of time, and because I know how to make my own fun. I've managed to make any number of unsuitable jobs, work situations, living situations, and relationships work well past their go-bad-date. So one that actually suits me and feels good-- even if it isn't the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME... Somehow I think it'll be okay. And THAT is a real relief.

I guess I'm choosing to succeed.
It feels good.
Scary-Good.

Goodbye, Faithful

Yesterday I cleaned out my old car, and said good-bye. I really wished I had my camera with me so I could take some memory pictures, but I didn't have it. Don't know if you ever forget what a crashed vehicle looks like once you crawl out of it anyway, really. It was harder than I expected to say goodbye.

There was a lot more stuff in my car than I expected, too. And I kept remembering just one more little hidden pocket of STUFF that needed to be cleaned out before I was really done. I realized as I was driving away that I've had that particular vehicle during the toughest and longest transition of my life. That it was my go-to resource during that time period. That car always worked. Whatever I needed always fit into it. I could be alone when I drove it, and anything I put inside would still be there when I came back. That car always got me where I was going, and it didn't aggravate my old injuries on the way. I always felt safe in it, and I used it to escape-- often.

I first purchased her while my then-husband was deployed in Iraq. I got tired of being stuck at home every time it snowed, so my new car had AWD among the other things it gave me. I also bought it at a time when I was finally coming to the realization that my marriage was never going to get better, and that once he came home safely, I was probably going to say goodbye. For both our sakes. I had a lot of emotional conversations with friends while driving her, since I couldn't talk on the phone much when my then-husband was home. Some of those same friends packed her to the hilt-- twice-- during the three hours I had to move out of my soon-to-be-ex's apartment when the time finally came to go.

She moved me from there to a friend's spare room, from there to another state, and into three different apartments in the year after my marriage ended. I was sitting in the driver's seat when I got my acceptance letter for the MLS program I wanted, and I drove her to that horrid job at the office for the criminally insane. After that, I drove her back and forth (an hour each way) to my subsequent nanny job-- for a year while I finished school.

The strange, poetic, full-circle part of it all is that my ex just made his final alimony payment ever last month, and I just graduated from school so I can have a career and support myself independently this month... I'm finally starting the next phase of my life. The transition from married to me is basically over. Finally. My car helped me through the whole get-independent process, start to finish. And within a few days of that process ending, my get-through-it car ended, too.

I guess it's a graduation of sorts. No more crutches. No more dependencies and old habits. No more reminders of my past life. No more reliable blue car with the "not interested" bumper sticker and the big red frog on the back. That still hurts to think about, though. No more Army stickers and pit-bull nose-prints in the windows. No more maps for all the military towns we lived in, either. No more reminders of all the things I didn't accomplish during my marriage.

Maybe this isn't dread in my tummy. ...maybe it's PMS... Or maybe it's just an empty spot where the past used to be. You never know. PMS can do some pretty drastic things to your tummy, let me tell you! Maybe I just need to give myself time to grieve the dreams and crutches (and the car) that I lost-- and remember all the great hopes and possibilities and personal goals I've replaced them with. My life now is so much better and brighter than I could ever have imagined it to be three or four years ago-- back when my transition to independence started.

I have friends who love my art, and don't care who I talk to on the phone. I have friends (well, one, anyway) who get as excited as I do over Pirate Music, and nobody in my new life uses my quirks as an excuse to put me down. I have friends to laugh with, friends to cry with, and I have places in my life where it's okay to enjoy being alone. I can watch Banger Sisters for the 37th time, and nobody comments on how well Goldie Hawn's boobs have held up over the years. Nobody gets mad at me for wanting to see a movie that many times, plus one more. Nobody gets bored half-way through and leaves to go play video games instead of cuddling with me on the sofa.

I can put yeast on my popcorn, and ice cream in the freezer. I can eat nacho chips and baked garlic on toast, with brie and basil on the side. I can sing silly children's songs and stand on one foot while I do the dishes (old habit, don't ask). I can get the urge to blog about the dread in my tummy at midnight, and jump out of bed to do it, knowing I'm not going to be waken at 4am to help find somebody else's special bullet-proof glasses. And two matching boot-top twisties. And to frantically sew the new patches on the other side of their only clean BDU shirt-- at JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE-- before my alarm goes off at 7am-- because he was too lazy to do it himself the night before.

I don't feel guilty every time I park under the covered parking, and every time I go out to lunch with a friend. Nobody makes me feel stupid for wanting safety bars in the windows and that extra lock mechanism on the front door. Nobody tells me what to wear (tho I'm really glad some of my friends are willing to give me opinions when I ask-- I admit to needing help from time to time), and I actually like coming home at night. To my home.

It's a good life. And very different from the one I used to live. With all the distance driving I do, and the limited amount of buying big stuff, no dog, and not too many friends without cars these days either-- the things I need in a vehicle have changed. I guess it makes sense that the vehicle itself might change, too. Now, I just have to get used to driving it. Darn.

The Ono Fish

Ummm... so, yeah, it was my birthday yesterday. My goal was to spend a few hours in meditation, thinking about who I am and what I'm doing. It felt like an appropriate time to be doing that. Instead, what seems to have happened, is that I was aware of the way I spent my time during the day. I really thought about what I'm doing with my life in a more "here and now" sense-- because "what I'm doing with my life" isn't about my goals-- it's about each day lived.

And I realized that I get to read books to little kids who smile at me and like to hold conversations with me-- and who are already learning (at the age of 2) how cool the "libbery" can be. I'm very proud of that. I feel it's time well-spent, for all my complaining about the long hours. I realized that filling and emptying the dishwasher is a fact of life, and I posted a quote from one of my favorite blogs--

"Cleaning isn't just an obligation. It's also a way to honor your life, a way to show yourself you're worth that much effort. ...I'm working on that one."

It made me stop and think about all the ways you can honor your life, and how I'm not doing any of them right now. And I decided that I actually am worth the effort, and I actually do want to honor my life. And if that means putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher every day, then I can do that. And if that means running the a/c for a few minutes so I can brew a cup of tea on a hot day, then I can do that.

And if that means taking the time to finally look up the name/location of a women's shelter so I can donate the rest of the stuff I've decided to get rid of to them instead of Goodwill, and TAKING THE TIME TO DROP THE STUFF OFF THERE, then I can do that, too. I want the file cabinet out of my entry way. I deserve to walk into my apartment without running into things, tripping on things, or knocking things over.

And then I went to one of my favorite stores to meet my family for dinner. I found out that my all-time favorite candle that only they carry and that lasts 50 hours, and has never dripped and made a wax puddle on my floor or my table, and that doesn't smoke, and doesn't tip over, and is just PERFECT because it only costs $5... well, they've discontinued making it. But the nice helper-lady looked at other stores and found 15 of them for me at other stores, and they're being shipped to my home. I figured if this is my last chance to get ahold of my favorite candle, I'm not messing around. Of all the candles I've ever bought, this is the one I keep lighting.

And dinner with my mom, papa, and aunt was great. I had the opportunity to realize that where I come from is a part of who I am. And I finally had a group of people who all go whole-hog with Ottohumor and there was no one there to roll their eyes and be disgusted with us for deciding that hero-ono fish was a super hero who changed his mind, fell (o-no!), and sorta splatted into the water... well, you get the picture. It was fun to be a family for a bit.

And then I got home and had time for myself. That was interesting, too. I was so tired after working ten hours and having quality social time for two hours after that... the one thing that really rose out of my quiet time is that I'm about to be done with school. I'm about to emerge into the world of self-supporting professionals. And in many ways, it will be a rebirth for me. A whole new start in the world, with new goals and new priorities and new lessons to learn. I'm really looking forward to that.

For now, though, I'm going to move through my day with joy, and spend time with good friends. I can't think of a better gift to start my new year than that.

August

Somebody remind me-- what was the song the Munchkins sang when the Wicked Witch of the West was defeated? Maybe I can modify that to sing about the flies that are no longer swarming my home...

August should be an interesting month. I've started out by decisively winning the fight against the flies (I'm still on alert in case of future attempts by the enemy, however)-- and my kitchen remains clean and tidy thus far. I've got finals going on. I've got to renew my passport in person, having noticed that the one I found is probably not the most recent one, and I've got a looming deadline for that. I also hope to finish once and for all getting all my legal documents to reflect my divorced status and my new legal last name. A few of the larger corporations seem to have regressed in that field... I start my next internship mid August. And, I start my last semester of classes on the 27th. This means that by the end of the year, I'll have a degree in my hand, and an endless horizon before me.

This is also the month that I turn 29. I've asked people to celebrate with me at fun but expensive restaurants so that I can spend that time celebrating the people in my life that help to make it such a great experience for me (and thus, no gifts but their presence are needed!). August is when we celebrate fire and the harvest and large cats and the ocean and stories. Lots of stories. This month I'm finally going to sort through the last few piles of what-not remaining from my big home-cleaning purge of Summer Semester, too. And I've sent out my first honest to gosh job application this month. With more to follow, I'm sure.

I was recently talking with a good friend, and realized that according to Chakra reckoning, age 29 is the first year of the fifth section of my life (they count in groups of seven)-- and it is the time when I focus on communication (fifth chakra is throat). Since it's the first year in that set of seven, it will probably also be about grounding, and this makes sense to me. I'm hoping to ground myself in a good first librarian job, a good place to live for a while, and a budget that actually can fit my income without forcing me to live on the streets. All of these things require good communication. =) Especially being a children's librarian. And keeping in close contact with my good friends and family from wherever I end up working.

So, HELLO AUGUST! I'm excited about you. And... I'm going to get back to work on my finals now. The old semester ain't over yet.

Migrant Birds

Spent two hours on a Migrant Farm handing out free children's books (mostly written in Spanish) and trying to understand Spanish as it was spoken today. Had to thank my ex for taking every opportunity to speak Spanish to other Spanish speakers-- I'm actually practiced at trying to understand a full-speed conversation from the few words I can recognize. And the more I listened, the more words I remembered (basic ones like Gracias and La Biblioteca and los libros-- books).

It was hot, dusty, and challenging, and I am TOTALLY EXHAUSTED. I can't imagine what it must be like for the farm workers-- most of whom do not speak any English-- to deal with these conditions-- including the lack of language skills-- every day! We went with a great group of dedicated people who brought free clothes and free food and ice cream for the kids. They offer to help people fill out forms, and they provide domestic violence intervention. The volunteers all speak Spanish, and all they want is to help their fellow people who are new to America to find her many opportunities.

I also realized that I'd been so nervous and scared about doing this because I viewed migrant workers as "those strange beings" who had nothing to do with me or my life. The thing is-- they are just normal people trying to get through their day. The clothes they wear are like ours because they are the clothes we outgrew or stopped liking and donated somewhere. These people we met with took great pride in their appearance, and many looked cleaner, and more slick than I did by a long-shot-- since I was hot, dusty, tired, and I just don't seem to control my hair very well at the best of times.

The teen aged girls had cliques and insider comments to make to each other. The little toddlers just wanted your full attention and as many books as they could hold. The parents and adult workers just wanted a little extra to put aside for hard times, or a special treat for their kids-- and free is a very good price. Just normal people.

And we didn't go to Tumbucktoo to see them, either. We went to the corner of two main streets-- where they meet about a mile from the center of town. It's the outskirts, but definitely not the boonies. There were still fences with lawns and shrubs on both sides of the street. And then we turned in to a gravel drive. There was a guard who had to approve our entry. He did this by glaring at us as we drove past, and then waving an arm at the parking area where we were supposed to set up our stuff.

So I'm glad I went. And I want to go again. But I also feel even more strongly about taking those Conversational Spanish classes as soon as I graduate. I have a lot to learn about my fellow wo/man. I think maybe we all do.

About Joy

I've recently had reason to contemplate joy-- to think deeper than the next corny movie on my hit list, and ask myself what I am truly glad to have in my life. It's not a difficult answer.

The relationships. The good ones. Those people, places, and animals are the Joy of my life. It's very difficult to think about losing even one of them. I think that's why I've tried not to attend many funerals in my lifetime. I'd rather have my memories remain joyful. Not relegated to the past-- behind some horrid memory of black clothes and crying and lots of sniffing because NOBODY thinks to bring enough kleenex for the way your nose runs when you cry. I think life and the people in it are to be enjoyed.

So I decided that what I want to do right now is honor some of the joyful moments I've had in my life-- and thought to capture with a digital camera-- by posting random photos. I know not everyone wants their picture up here, and I know I'm not going to upload EVERY joyous moment I have on film... but I thought it would be something important that I could be happy to review later on-- a commemoration of Joy. (By the way, some of my favorite cousins have 'Joy' for their middle name. I love that about them!)

And since I cannot NOT figure out the formatting of the photos, they are in VERY random order. Sigh.

He Thinks He's A Gift

So. (I say this every time because it's my way of pausing to organize my thoughts before you have to start reading them. Considering how they come out, aren't you glad you can't hear what I'm THINKING??)

So we all have that little list of things we're going to buy ourselves someday, right? It might not even be written down-- it might just be this wish list you keep in your head. Which is great, as far as it goes. But lately, I've been getting frustrated grunts from friends and family when things like my birthday or Christmas come near (Can I just tell you that my cat did an unintentional back flip off her favorite chair, and decided that meant it was a good time for a nibble at her food bowl? Nothing like the need to save face!)... err... what was I going off about?

Right. Wish lists.

My mom actually wants to give me something I'd like to get (she's actually been wanting this for a good two years now-- in fact, last Christmas, she got me three of everything, just in case I didn't like two of them. "Now, if you don't like it, this isn't your gift."), and my costar friend has realized that I might tell her one day that I really want the soundtrack to Legally Blond, but that by the following Thursday, it's about 35% likely that I've just gone ahead and gotten it for myself.

See, I have that list in my head like everyone else... it's just that "a solar-powered house" isn't easy to gift wrap. And all the little stuff- well, if I know I want it-- it's because I want it NOW. I've never been good at waiting like that. In fact, I used to pack for trips a good week or two before the family was going to leave, just so the clothes I wanted to bring would still be clean and stuff. And because I just couldn't WAIT that long with the "I want to bring THIS" sticky note yelling inside my head. Yeah. I literally wouldn't be able to sleep until I knew that everything I needed for the trip was ALREADY PACKED.

Luckily, the Army cured me of this. There we'd be, 3am, searching for THE OTHER PAIR OF SOCK CLIPS (these are like mini green bungee cords with metal hooks the size of your baby toenail on each end. You fasten them around the outside of your pants to get that regulation "folded-over" look down by your boots, and to cut off any remaining circulation to your feet. They were basically little elastic belts for your pant leg. The argmy is so weirdly vain!) so my then-husband could be all packed and regulation ready to go by 5am, having gotten the call at midnight that they WERE REALLY GOING at 5am on Friday instead of 3pm on Saturday like they'd promised. And, painful as it was (have I told you that I'm allergic to coffee?), it actually WAS good practice for when my then-husband did have to go to war in Iraq. They just didn't prepare him to find all his little gear-shit at the last minute WITHOUT ME. But that's another story.

Anyway, the point is that today I finally got online and started one of those online wish lists where you provide a link to the EXACT ITEM you want, and anybody who knows your name can go look it up. Yup. Just go visit (shudder) amazon.com and type in my name (my real one, with an i, not y, and two l's and two t's), and you can see the parts of my wish list that I've so far managed to quantify. I've even found the perfect lockable safe so that if my papers are ever threatened by a flood and a house fire at the same time, they'll survive. For an hour.

In the process, I found that it's actually quite difficult for me to quantify what I want. And that often, I'd find something similar to what I want... but not quite right. For instance. Do I wear a size 9, 10, or 11 in women's hiking socks? I have no idea. So I asked for one of each. Because you couldn't just select the socks, or the color of socks, that you wanted. This is not a casual day dream believer's list. This is serious stuff. This is accurate. This is exact. Good lord, did I remember to pack the hairdryer?! I've only got 3 months left to finish packing the list!! And I'm probably not going to get any sleep tonight, either. Sigh.

Well, at least I got the important stuff down. Like The Mummy Returns on DVD, and a new HDTV TV so I can own my own TV for once (because, of course, the one I am currently borrowing works perfectly fine, and therefore must be replaced), and a set of really REALLY useful metal shelves on casters so I can rearrange my own furniture. Yup. The important stuff.

Ya know, hard as I looked, I couldn't find an entry for world peace, and there wasn't one for clean air to breath, or unpolluted and unchlorinated water to drink... I'm too impatient to wait for someone else to buy me organic vegetables, so those didn't go on the list-- I get them every Saturday at my local Farmer's Market. But, man, the water sure would have been nice to add to the list. My cat pukes every time I forget to give her bottled water, and use the stuff from my kitchen tap. Yes. You heard me. My cat drinks bottled water. And, after discovering the REASON for all the puking (and falling in total love with the Green Machine I bought for the duration), I now drink bottled water, too. You can refill your old water jug for less than the price of a stamp down at the local grocer.

And that's another thing! Did you know the price of stamps is going up? AGAIN??
Another two cents. Mid May. The man in the iron mask told me the last time I went to visit him through the metal bars and ask for postage. If you thought 39 cents was odd, wait 'till you see 41 cents! Who's going to have change to get one of THOSE out of a vending machine?!

...Actually, he told the guy ahead of me in line, and then when it was my turn, I asked for some two cent stamps, since the price of postage was going up. The mail man behind the iron bars was so relieved to NOT have to tell me about it that he actually smiled. While inside his little "I might go postal, so don't ask why the bars are here" cage. Smiled. Wow. Maybe they could make it an even 50 cents, and make all the extra go to the public school system and the public libraries and other social services. That'd be nice. Maybe pigs fly. They make their own beds, you know. Honest. The pigs, that is. I wouldn't bet on the postal workers.

And what have I learned from all this? Well, just now I learned that "wishlist" is two words. That's important. I also learned that the most important things aren't always easy to find. They have to be created by the cooperative efforts of a whole lot of people. So they aren't easy to quantify, either. I also learned that I could probably add to the "I want that" list for a very very long time. It makes me feel all materialistic and selfish. It also made me realize that I no longer own a sleeping bag. Hmm. And come to think of it... I haven't felt the lack, either. I wonder what else around here I could go around NOT LACKING for the next few years...

So why, you ask, does he think he's a gift? Well... if you've ever met that guy who thinks you really should fall in love with him and be happy to go make out in the back of his car-- just by looking at him-- then you've met that guy who thinks he's a gift. What does this have to do with the post? Absolutely nothing. Thank goodness.

I tell you, I am SO not ready to date yet!
(But don't worry folks-- I'm happy, hearty, and whole. All I need in my life... is more bookshelves. And maybe a DVD of The Mummy Returns. I went out and ordered the soundtrack for Legally Blonde yesterday. It was part of my new years resolution, so I sorta felt justified on that one. After all. I've waited four months.)

Lost and Found

I was thinking recently about some of the situations the people I care about have lived through or are living through. I was thinking about lost time, lost perspective, lost income, lost friends, lost lives. And then I started thinking about what I have lived through. And about how happy I am with my life.

I lost my apartment and many of my household goods. I found that it was a great opportunity to start fresh, and not carry old associations into my new life.

I lost my marriage and my free health care. I found that I don't need all the doctor visits I'd been making... and I found myself. Free. Self-Sufficient. Reliable (though often a bit late-- it's the Leo in me). Resilient. Content with now.

I lost my husband's income and later my job. I found a better job. I also found that I alone on a small income don't carry nearly as much debt as we did together with a much bigger income, and I'm not juggling funds to make ends meet anymore either. I found that I know how to balance a budget, and how to go without cable TV and dinner out every week.

I lost my support network when I moved to a new state. I found that my support network was a lot bigger than I'd realized, and that the people who love and support you will ALWAYS love and support you-- and the people who are there for what you give them... I found that I don't miss giving myself away to selfish people. I found my own value and my own will to succeed.

I spent a lot of time worrying, and whining and complaining and analyzing all that had happened or might happen IF... But once I started trusting myself and my abilities-- and my decisions-- I realized that I am really grateful for the life I have. I have a way to support myself-- and even if I'm using the credit card to pay for my gas right now, I won't always. I have good friends who support me (and put themselves in danger to help me get out of hell)-- and who let me support them in return. I have organic food in my fridge. I have my life, my cat, and my netfix subscription to get me through until I can afford cable and dating again (time-wise, emotions-wise, AND money-wise). I have a clean little 2-room apartment with things in it that I love and that I CHOOSE TO HAVE in my space, and a sunny back patio where my geranium seeds and basil seeds and heavenly bamboo plant all thrive. (The ants are even leaving my pumpkin sprouts alone for the moment!) I have my grandmother's dining table. I have the desk my dad made for me in college. I have the creaky oak desk chair from my childhood. I have my parents' old bed frame. I have a washer and dryer, a mailing address, and a lock on the front door.

I may not have money in the bank or real chairs in my apartment for guests, but I am surrounded by love and growth and beauty. I'd take this life over any other I've lived any day of the week. And I know that if I hadn't lived through all those other times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate everything good that I have now. I just wouldn't see it, because I'd be looking for the cushy new sofa and the matching bedroom set and the big back yard and the happily-ever-after marriage. And those aren't real. What I have is real, and joyful, and I have it because I made it so.

I look at the situations that the people I care about are dealing with, and I know they are carrying burdens. I know life can be tough, and some of them are dealing with tough times. I know that I needed to talk and process to get through those hard times in my own life, and so I want to be here and be listening for them. But I also know that if their perspective doesn't broaden to include the abundance that IS in their lives, they will never find happiness. They will always be burdened by the challenges they face, and will never get to celebrate the gifts they already have-- the ones they brought into their own lives through their own efforts. The people, the pets, the safe and comfortable homes that they surround themselves with. The skills they have. The goals they set and that they will meet. The goals they've already reached.

I find myself wanting to reach through the phone and shake them. CELEBRATE, DAMMIT! But I know that right now, many of them just can't see the reasons to do so. And I know I wouldn't want their challenges for myself. I guess the difference is that I believe I can create the life I want for myself. If I will positive change, and focus my energy on what I'm working toward. If I take the right steps and put can-do energy into the world-- I know that is what I'll get back.

Bad things do happen to good people-- and it is not that good person's fault if they bump into a mass murderer on a tear or something. But I can say about my life that the big bad things I've overcome all had great lessons to them. I never want to live through them again-- and I don't wish those or any other bad times on anyone-- but I wouldn't be as full and great a human being now if I hadn't had those very experiences. If you could hear what goes on in my mind when I realize I've got a BIG REASON to complain-- it would sound a bit like this:

"Oh, hegll. This sucks. Great. Another reason to grow. Well, what can I learn from THIS one? What might be going on to make that person do that? Can I think of anything that could possibly put me in their shoes one day? ...Well, I guess I can have a bit of compassion. (or-- Nope. I'm so glad I will never be like this person!) Man, personal growth is exhausting. I'd better plan some down time into my week. Okay. You know, this is actually a good thing in some ways, because ...." And suddenly, it's not all bad. Of course, sometimes this process takes 2 minutes, and sometimes it takes 2 months. Depends on the situation. And on how fast I can grow to encompass the lessons I take from it. Growth itself is definitely not predictable. And, in the meantime, my friends will definitely be getting that call from me where all I want to do is process and whine.

Yeah, I do that. But inside... inside I know my life is full of reasons to celebrate, and abundance is everywhere, if only I choose to look. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life-- but I've found so much more because of it. Things WILL improve. I will make it so.

And by the way, I find it very strange that the spell-check on the blog postings editor does not recognize the word "okay" in it's proper grammatical spelling. It gets a red highlight every time. Weird. Did the computer geeks who make the latest programs NOT KNOW that ok is an abbreviation?? Well... I guess I can see how that would be so. I'm certainly reliant on the spell-check feature as it is. I guess it's a good thing that the one word it doesn't know is one I don't actually have any questions about!

HAPPY APRIL

I don't know why, but the coming of April has always been really exciting for me. Not even consciously (until today) have I been this aware of the fact that on the first day of April, I am always VERY HAPPY about it being that day-- all day long. Weird, huh? YAY!

I had a day out with my mom yesterday. It was full of happy or ridiculous (and often both) little coincidences, too. Made things interesting. Like-- she was supposed to arrive around 10am at my home, and we'd go from there together. Only she missed the exit off the freeway. Which little extra side trip gave me enough time to actually clear off all the seats in the living room (I did laundry, folks, it meant stacks of clean-but-unfolded clothes in all the chairs), AND empty the garbage. I even fit in a shower-- although I had to laugh because her "OH NO, WHAT DO I DO" phone call came just after I got myself mostly dried off. So there I was. In the living room. In my towel. Giving suggestions on the phone. And another call came in while I was standing there. What are the odds of getting TWO CALLS while standing in front of my un-shielded living room windows in a towel?! Huh.

And then she arrived while I was excavating the passenger seat of my car. I drive an hour each way to work (as you know, because I tell you about it all the time)-- so my passenger seat is my unofficial copilot and storage space for anything I MIGHT POSSIBLY NEED while driving. The good news is that she can take all my plastic water bottles home with her to recycle. That cleared up a LOT of space, let me tell you.

So then we exchanged little "I love you, here's this inexpensive thing I know you'll love" gifts-- and we did both love them. Mine was a great used wooden mixing spoon. I've been wanting one, actually. Hers was a sachet made of organic herbs I found and sewed into a patchwork little bag (along with a whole bunch of good intentions), with a lovely spring-green ribbon to hang it from. It's about 2 inches square. Mom cried.

And finally, we were off to the Japanese Gardens! Where we'd timed our visit perfectly because everything was either in bloom, or budding out with the cutest little baby leaves ever. Turns out mom and I are both fans of tree buds and baby leaves. We took turns taking pictures of them. Which became its own little adventure. See- she couldn't really see what she was taking a picture of in her camera's view-finder. So she'd point and shoot, and then I'd look at it and tell her what she got. A few times, I actually aimed HER, and then told her when to click the button. Group Photography. We had a blast. It was good we both had our cameras, too, because we were both fine with stopping every two feet to snap another shot. All the other people around us were totally patient with us, too, which was very nice of them. I've included a couple of samples of the beauty with which we were surrounded. If you live here, you should go there.

Just Perfect

They don't make my perfect cell phone yet. Since they keep trying to add features without actually getting rid of any-- and this keeps them from actually making smaller phones-- they probably never will. See, I want a small phone that can fit in those dagm excuses of a pocket that girl-jeans come with (therefore small means thin, and short-- very thin, and pretty darn short!). I want that small phone to get REALLY GOOD reception (which is why I use Verizon, actually-- best reception in most locations of any service I know). I want it to get really good reception, AND have a battery life of about 5 days. And none of this "slowly losing battery life" crap. I'd also like it to have a little flat loop hole at one end, like cameras do, for a handle strap or a carabiner.

I don't want ANY BUTTONS on the outside except one small inset one on the top that lets you shoot a call straight to voicemail if you don't want to take it, or are in a meeting (but that you can't accidentally push by keeping the phone in your pocket or something), and which same button doesn't do anything when you open the phone. I want it to be a clamshell phone that opens to reveal the buttons-- opens with a very sturdy hinge, and closes firmly, too, no less, and with a large font on the screen. I want a button for getting messages, and a button for accessing the calendar. I also want a button that lets you go back one function step (or turn off the alarm in one simple push-of-a-button) like my current "back" button does-- because there are too many features on phones now, and sometimes I find myself faced with a question I don't know the answer to. It's SO nice to be able to go back a step and see what other questions I could have ended up with, without having to answer the unknown question first!!

I want all of this to come in an actual METAL CASE-- like the old Motorola 60's did. They were small, had amazing reception, long battery life, and after being dropped almost daily and covered in paint shmears, the phone never had a battery disconnect or other problems. Never. Until it died, and I found out they don't make it anymore. And I want that metal case to come in about ten colors. Like metallic bug green, and apple red, and cool purple, and bronze, and black, and grey, and silver, and pumpkin, and so on.

I don't want video or music in the phone. I have an i-pod and a cam-corder for that. I want the phone to have no camera (or else an 8 mega pixel resolution camera that takes the photo the mili-second you hit the button, and not 2 seconds later), and the only internet I want is for it to be able to access maps of all US streets-- and to zoom in on an address or a general part of town, so I could see where I was vs where I meant to be. And I want an option to receive emergency bulletins from local news channels and law enforcement agencies-- to be set to a 10-mile radius of my billing zip code or something. And maybe be able to choose between 3 levels of "emergency" so I don't get every fire or whatever reported to my phone. ... but I do find out if the volcano blows again, or a hurricane hits or something.

I also want an option in the tools that tells me how many minutes I have left on my plan for the month (and doesn't count the in-calling minutes I've used, since they don't count against my plan minutes). I want another option in tools for calculating tips (and discounts)-- not a calculator exactly, but you enter the basic cost of food (within say 50 cents), and say what percentage you want to calculate-- 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90. I do want a really good range of ring tone options-- from classical to hip-hop to good ol' ring-rings and silly fart noises. I'd love a button you can push to make a voice recording for quick notes to self or confusing directions from the boss-- and an easy way to access them later, with a little icon on the screen to let you know when you DID record something.

I want to be able to CHOOSE all the buttons that appear on the main screen (except the main menu button, of course). I want at least three alarms that I can set. I want it to be really easy to use the calendar feature (the razor actually has a great calendar system in it). I want the option to hook the phone directly to the computer so I can download all my addresses and contact info and photos (if there is a camera) into my computer. I also want to be able to use my hands-free NON-ENERGY-CONSUMING ear-bud. So a spot to plug that in would be nice. (Most of the new phones don't have anything but blue-tooth anymore if you want hands-free.) I also want the display on the outside of the phone to tell me the phone number or name of the caller BEFORE I answer the call. And NOT to have a streaming message on it. I don't care what the message says-- I TYPED IT IN, so what's the point?! And I have to wait for the whole damn thing to scroll past before I can see the date and time again.

I don't need to check my email from my phone. I don't need to check the stock market or the weather on my phone. I don't need to make videos or listen to music via my phone. I do need to be able to drop it into my pocket without worrying about breaking it, pushing any buttons on it accidentally, hurting myself trying to sit down, making holes in my pants because the pocket is too small for the phone I've shoved in it, and so on. And I'd like that basic phone to cost about $100, so it doesn't hurt my wallet, either. That's what I want. I'd buy that.


I want the perfect pair of jeans, too. Ones that aren't so long I have to roll them up twice to keep them from dragging through every mud puddle and piece of ABC gum on the sidewalk. Ones that actually have enough space for my butt in them-- but don't gape open about 5 inches at the waist because of it. Ones that don't get holes in the knees and crotch after only 2 years of basic non-demanding wear. Ones where the zipper stays up, and the legs stay down, even if I sit. NON-STRETCH ones so they aren't a totally different size after I've worn them for 4 hours, but with a bit of give so I don't hurt myself bending over. Jeans that have a nice sturdy button above the zipper, and not a snap-- and that have a well-sized button hole so it isn't either coming undone when I walk or alternately making me pee my pants because I can't get the dagm things undone in the bathroom after lunch! I want them to have the same quality high-endurance construction that boy's jeans have. And I want them to have the same low price, too. Under $60 for a decent pair.
Yeah! I'd buy that! I'd buy TEN of that!!


You know what else I want? The perfect blanket for my bed. One that is long enough to pull over my head, but still tuck in at the bottom AND have room for my toes to wiggle. One that is warm without being super heavy, but that breathes so I'm not sweating after being under it for 3 hours, even when my feet are still cold. (I hate that.) One that can be both washed AND DRIED in your average home washer/dryer. And it doesn't stain the other clothes it's washed with, either.
Yeah. I'd buy that.


And another thing! The perfect cable package. Yes. I'm dreaming big tonight. I want to be able to pick my ten favorite channels from ALL THE CHANNELS (except maybe the all-movie ones like Starz and HBO), for about $20 a month. I mean all the channels-- TLC, SCI-FI, CNN, Local News, Learning Channel, HGTV, TRAVEL, Cooking, etc. Then add any 2 special-topic channels (like HBO or the ALL-BASKET BALL ones) for an extra $5 a month, if you want them. Add in tivo at any point for an extra $10, and I'd gladly pay it. Then you could add in sets of two specialty channels for another $5 each, and ten additional other channels for another $10.

People would end up getting maybe 1/3 the channels you can get now for the price-- but they could pay a lower price to get only the channels they actually want to watch. Maybe even have one week every 4 months where people can try out ALL THE CHANNELS, and see if they want to upgrade or switch around which channels they get for the next 4 months or something... I tell you, this would be the most popular plan ever. I don't WANT 75+ channels, if half of them play the exact same thing, and 2/3 of them don't play anything I ever want to watch-- but I still have to flip through them when I'm LOOKING for something to watch!
Yeah. I'd buy that.


And breakfast cereals! Every time I find one that has some protein AND some flavor-- they stop making it. I'm on my fourth breakfast cereal, and each one is worse tasting than the one before. It is a verifiable fact that you need MORE PROTEIN for breakfast to get through your day with more energy. But it is a struggle to find a cold cereal that offers more than 3 grams of protein in a serving. WHY IS THAT??? For a while, there was a cereal that combined a bunch of fairly healthy ones so it had 5 grams of protein, and lots of different flavors. I loved it. It tasted good. It WORKED! And they stopped making it about a year ago. Then, I found one that actually had some berries in it, plus 7 grams protein, and with vanilla soy milk, it even tasted okay. But nobody carries it as of about 3 weeks ago. So I found a cereal that claims 15 grams, but has NO FLAVOR and NOTHING BUT FLAKES in it-- and I eat it if I know I've got a long day with no snacks in it... but I'd like to look forward to breakfast, ya know?

It's just a sad state of affairs. I mean, really. I'm okay with strange lunches, and I've managed to calm down about the way they make T-shirts without sleeves these days. I can even handle the strange and limited selection of alarm clock features I found in December... but... We're talking about some of my favorite things in life-- cell phones, jeans, warm blankets, good TV, and breakfast! And I, for one, would like each of them to be available in a form (and at a price) that is just perfect for me. Is that really asking too much?