I have a huge box of expensive face soap from Nordstrom. It's been sitting in my "extra toiletries" container for a year now, mostly because as soon as I invested in the 32-oz bottle, the darn soap stopped working on my acne. But I spent a lot of time and money making sure I had a great face soap, so I really don't want to throw it out. Even though I can't use it. Of course, these things are cyclical. I might be able to use it in another month or two. You never know.
I'm having similar experiences with many parts of my life just now. For example, as soon as I announced that I actually had full time employment with the Foundation/Farm... they ran out of money to pay me. But I spent a lot of time, energy, and gas money making sure the Foundation and Farm were as functional as I could make them, and investing myself in the visions and goals they espoused. So even though they can't pay me, I'm having a hard time letting go. And you never know-- they might be able to pay me again in a few months...
The face soap says "We come into this world with all the right instincts... and the world at large is truly beautiful. It is at this time we feel most blessed." To return to this natural state of instinctual well-being, the soap insists that "we must begin with the most basic step of all, the daily ritual of cleaning."
So here I am. Going through everything I own and figuring out what is dirty or just taking up space and energy without giving me any bliss in return. Cleaning up my life, a little bit at a time. I'm also job-hunting... again... and figuring out where I'll live come January. Because I can't afford the rent where I'm living now-- even if I do get another job. I have to use the bulk of my money paying off all the debts I racked up while I failed to make ends meet over the past four years. So a huge part of my process is cleaning up and simplifying my finances. Seeing a debt counselor. Talking about bangkruptcy. Finding ways to pay the people who can't wait.
The blessing that keeps showing up in my life is my friends. I feel so supported and loved. Over and over again, as my situation bounces up and down over and over again. It's amazing how many truly awesome people I know. And I don't think I'd have understood that (or had the same list of friends) four years ago when I thought the world was going to be my oyster.
The books have been the toughest thing to winnow down. And I know I'm not done yet. The first thing I did was decide I can only afford the space for one bookshelf right now. So all the books I'm going to keep with me, and all the things that sit on a surface and take up space, have to fit on that one bookshelf.
As I weighed the value of each book, and the space it fills in my life vs the space available on that one bookshelf, I realized that I don't re-read quite as many books as I like to think I do. Mostly, I think of many of these books as old friends, and it makes me feel good to see them sitting on the shelf because I found them so useful at one time. A bit like my face soap, really. So I keep them around just in case things change and I have a use for them again.
But at this point, the universe has hit me over the head hard enough that I not only suspect, but I KNOW that I have got to slim down and severely limit all the superfluous drains on my time, energy, and space. All the things that make me feel stuck or overburdened when it comes time to pick up and go yet again. I will probably rent a storage room for the things I know I will never be able to replace-- like the bed frame my parents slept in for 30 years, the bookshelf my dad made for me, and the boxes of books that I will actually consult occasionally, but don't need to lug from spare bedroom to spare bedroom over the next six months. I will probably sell or dump a lot of my extra toiletries-- things like that darn 32 ounces of soap that have been sitting around for the past year without ever actually being useful.
As part of the plan (while also applying for jobs daily), I'm going to consolidate everything into my room in preparation for the next big move. I'd like to know exactly what I own-- and right now there are boxes I haven't had the opportunity to open in over two years. It's a strange space to be in, knowing that if I had a reliable job and my own tiny apartment, I already own everything I'd need to be happy there... And finally admitting that just I don't have that, and may not have that for a while longer. Having to ask myself which of those beloved-but-currently-useless items are worth the cost (financial and energetic) of keeping.
I've come to realize that there are a few specific things that really contribute to my sense of contentment in a given living situation. One of those things is having and using my own kitchen gear. Another is having a workspace/desk that nobody else messes with. And being able to trust that my cat is safe, comfortable, and content whether I'm home watching out for her during the day or not. As I begin to condense both my living space and my finances, I also realize that there are two support systems that I need to KNOW I can always pay for-- my cat, and my cell phone. Abbigale cannot be replaced by other people's cats-- not the way I can use the computer in the library (which would still suck), or eat at a friend's table from time to time.
So here we are. Simplifying. Cleaning up old messes. Going back to basics. Realizing that while I prefer contact lenses, my glasses work just fine. Learning that "food stamps" are now referred to as the "SNAP" program. And they give you a credit card instead of a coupon book. Stocking up on rice and lentils because they are cheap and filling, and toilet paper because you can't buy that with the SNAP card. The times they are a-changing. I wonder how much money I wasted on that Nordstrom soap...
Showing posts with label Poor Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Poor Me. Show all posts
Sunday, December 6
Sunday, October 11
Granted
Last week was interesting. I feel confident that I can say YES-- I have a full time job now. I'm not so confident that I'll have it much longer if we don't find a way for the farm to produce some serious income in the middle of winter.
Technically, I'm the "Executive Coordinator" for the Farm, the Foundation, the Education programming that comes out of both, and to some degree also for the farm Community and Household. I asked the head of our Foundation Education Committee to look over the job descriptions that the three of us fleshed out for future reference, having filled in the details of what currently rests on my shoulders, and she said it was a perfect recipe for burnout. I agree.
Last week, I finally struggled through the last three days of writing and submitting a grant to the ubs govgt. The grant that may, in twelve months, pay for me to actually preserve, digitize, and web-ize the Foundation's Archive. You know, that job I was originally actually HIRED FOR six months ago. It's the first grant proposal I've ever written.
And boy-howdy was it a learning experience for the first one to be a govgt one! Before I could access the application packet, I had to apply for a DUNS number. And before I could apply for a DUNS number, there were one or two OTHER applications and passwords I had to request. Each of which took between 2 days and a week to get. And you can't skip steps.
Then, on the two days I'd set aside to write the grant, we first spent all day interviewing and meeting about our new Farm Manager (thank you god, she's on board for at least the next three months). The second day I spent doing last minute preparations for the Foundation Appreciation Dinner, and having conversations with my two team mates about the structure of our jobs so that I could, in fact, get on with my job without interference from She-Rex. Who-- I want to acknowledge-- is a vital and incredibly committed member of the team. I'm glad she's there. I just don't want her interfacing with clients. She has a tendency to make them run away.
So I set aside a day to work from home. And I did work from home all that day, but not on the grant. So I worked off the record the next day and a half-- on the grant. And I worked a full day (minus the two hours I spent meeting with the team because SR needed to make decisions about something that won't happen until next Spring) the day before the grant was due on pulling together the final application materials and the budget, and getting signatures where they were needed.
The day the application was due, my day off, I discovered that there was an ADDITIONAL APPLICATION FORM that was only available online, and that my computer operating system was too old to let me open. And then I spent the day at GB's house on HIS computer, swearing and filling out forms online. Then I discovered that the Budget Form (which is on a different website from the application form and application download site) can only be filled out online, and can't be saved once you fill it out, and has to be uploaded to the application download site, which you can only do if it's saved to your computer. AAAAAAARRRGHH!
I over came that hurdle, and got all the way to the place where you finally get to hit SUBMIT... only to discover that one must have a login and password to submit anything. WTF?
So I tried the first login and password I'd had to sign up for waaay back when I was applying for the fricken DUNS number. And was told no, that's wrong, and you have two more tries before we lock you and your application out of our system. Shit.
So I tried the second login and password I'd had to sign up for waay back when I was trying to get signed up to apply for this fricken grant. And was told, no, that's wrong, and you have one more try. Neener Neener Poopoo Head.
Okay.
So I called the govgt grant offices at 6:15pm Eastern Time for help, and SOMEONE HELPED ME!!!! She told me how to sign up for the login that lets you actually submit the grant application. And she stayed on the phone with me while I did it. And it only took two minutes instead of two weeks. And then I submitted my grant proposal, with three hours to spare before the deadline.
OMFG!!!
That was Tuesday. On Wednesday, I worked. On Thursday, I did accounts and worked and prepped for the Teacher Fair on Friday that I had a booth at, and organized a couple of new orders for our Big City Contingent of Dairy Buyers.
On Friday, I spent all day at the Teacher Fair, getting us tons of potential new Education Field-Trip Clients, and networking with other museums and historical sites in the area.
On Saturday, my one day off this weekend, I got an email that totally blew all my work with the Dairy Contingent out of the water, and basically put me in a position where the Dairy Contingent will probably not want to work with me because they don't think I know what I'm talking about. It was an email sent by my boss to me, the dairy contingent, and SR. I still don't know why SR got the email, as she's made it clear she wants nothing further to do with the dairy or the goats.
So I sent a not-happy email to my boss, explaining the effect of her email on my ability to help her with the Dairy Orders in the foreseeable future. Hard to help when nobody believes a word you say, non? And then I spent the rest of the day trying to pack and sort some of my stuff, and cleaning house, because it needs it.
Today, Sunday, I go to work again. We have a Foundation Board Meeting, and I have to arrive early so that I can prepare the materials and reports necessary for that meeting, and find out if I still have a job after the email I sent my boss.
Talk about your recipe for burn out! ...sigh... And I really love my work and this farm. So I really hope we overcome some of these challenges soon.
Well, that's all from Lake Woebegone this week, where all the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Technically, I'm the "Executive Coordinator" for the Farm, the Foundation, the Education programming that comes out of both, and to some degree also for the farm Community and Household. I asked the head of our Foundation Education Committee to look over the job descriptions that the three of us fleshed out for future reference, having filled in the details of what currently rests on my shoulders, and she said it was a perfect recipe for burnout. I agree.
Last week, I finally struggled through the last three days of writing and submitting a grant to the ubs govgt. The grant that may, in twelve months, pay for me to actually preserve, digitize, and web-ize the Foundation's Archive. You know, that job I was originally actually HIRED FOR six months ago. It's the first grant proposal I've ever written.
And boy-howdy was it a learning experience for the first one to be a govgt one! Before I could access the application packet, I had to apply for a DUNS number. And before I could apply for a DUNS number, there were one or two OTHER applications and passwords I had to request. Each of which took between 2 days and a week to get. And you can't skip steps.
Then, on the two days I'd set aside to write the grant, we first spent all day interviewing and meeting about our new Farm Manager (thank you god, she's on board for at least the next three months). The second day I spent doing last minute preparations for the Foundation Appreciation Dinner, and having conversations with my two team mates about the structure of our jobs so that I could, in fact, get on with my job without interference from She-Rex. Who-- I want to acknowledge-- is a vital and incredibly committed member of the team. I'm glad she's there. I just don't want her interfacing with clients. She has a tendency to make them run away.
So I set aside a day to work from home. And I did work from home all that day, but not on the grant. So I worked off the record the next day and a half-- on the grant. And I worked a full day (minus the two hours I spent meeting with the team because SR needed to make decisions about something that won't happen until next Spring) the day before the grant was due on pulling together the final application materials and the budget, and getting signatures where they were needed.
The day the application was due, my day off, I discovered that there was an ADDITIONAL APPLICATION FORM that was only available online, and that my computer operating system was too old to let me open. And then I spent the day at GB's house on HIS computer, swearing and filling out forms online. Then I discovered that the Budget Form (which is on a different website from the application form and application download site) can only be filled out online, and can't be saved once you fill it out, and has to be uploaded to the application download site, which you can only do if it's saved to your computer. AAAAAAARRRGHH!
I over came that hurdle, and got all the way to the place where you finally get to hit SUBMIT... only to discover that one must have a login and password to submit anything. WTF?
So I tried the first login and password I'd had to sign up for waaay back when I was applying for the fricken DUNS number. And was told no, that's wrong, and you have two more tries before we lock you and your application out of our system. Shit.
So I tried the second login and password I'd had to sign up for waay back when I was trying to get signed up to apply for this fricken grant. And was told, no, that's wrong, and you have one more try. Neener Neener Poopoo Head.
Okay.
So I called the govgt grant offices at 6:15pm Eastern Time for help, and SOMEONE HELPED ME!!!! She told me how to sign up for the login that lets you actually submit the grant application. And she stayed on the phone with me while I did it. And it only took two minutes instead of two weeks. And then I submitted my grant proposal, with three hours to spare before the deadline.
OMFG!!!
That was Tuesday. On Wednesday, I worked. On Thursday, I did accounts and worked and prepped for the Teacher Fair on Friday that I had a booth at, and organized a couple of new orders for our Big City Contingent of Dairy Buyers.
On Friday, I spent all day at the Teacher Fair, getting us tons of potential new Education Field-Trip Clients, and networking with other museums and historical sites in the area.
On Saturday, my one day off this weekend, I got an email that totally blew all my work with the Dairy Contingent out of the water, and basically put me in a position where the Dairy Contingent will probably not want to work with me because they don't think I know what I'm talking about. It was an email sent by my boss to me, the dairy contingent, and SR. I still don't know why SR got the email, as she's made it clear she wants nothing further to do with the dairy or the goats.
So I sent a not-happy email to my boss, explaining the effect of her email on my ability to help her with the Dairy Orders in the foreseeable future. Hard to help when nobody believes a word you say, non? And then I spent the rest of the day trying to pack and sort some of my stuff, and cleaning house, because it needs it.
Today, Sunday, I go to work again. We have a Foundation Board Meeting, and I have to arrive early so that I can prepare the materials and reports necessary for that meeting, and find out if I still have a job after the email I sent my boss.
Talk about your recipe for burn out! ...sigh... And I really love my work and this farm. So I really hope we overcome some of these challenges soon.
Well, that's all from Lake Woebegone this week, where all the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Tuesday, July 14
Vulnerabilities
My copy of "Truth In Dating" by Susan M. Campbell went missing a couple of months ago, so I borrowed a copy from the library. Now it's due back because someone else put a hold on it. Probably someone I've recommended the book to. It's a really great book, for ANY person-to-person relationship, be it work, family, friends, or actual dating scenarios. I highly recommend it. Often.
So I'm sitting here contemplating the return trip to the library, and I flipped the book open to a page about being vulnerable. It's a very relevant page for me right now, because I've been feeling rather vulnerable the past few days for no reason I could find. I've also been trying to put my finger on a lingering concern I had yet to define in my dating relationship.
So what is my big vulnerability? Besides my fear of asking for more than someone has to give me? And why haven't I shared that with GB? What is it that's about ME, regardless of the relationship I'm in? Well-- I realize that I have a deep fear of being disposable. That I've started to resent the people who like to talk, but don't make time to listen. And I don't tend to share that bit of angst when it comes up. I know how important a good listener can be, and I am very very good at listening.
So many people in my world-- for the past twenty years or so-- They seek out my company when they are working on a big life change. When they need counsel or a leg up or just someone to listen and love them anyway. And when they get what they need to move forward with their lives, they spread their wings and fly away... until next time. That's part of why I finally opened an office. Why it's been so hard to give notice and close the office down again. I wanted to create a category in my life for the folks I support, so that I would be less likely to expect them to support me in return. It's not the way those relationships work.
It's a pattern I've known about for years, but I hadn't thought about it in a while. And I used to work hard at clarifying which were my fly-away friends, and which were my solid and constant friends who actually want to be there for ME on a regular basis, too. The folks who make time for me and appreciate more about me than my ability to support them. Because there is a lot more to me than the fact that I'm a good listener who helps others become the people they want to be. Guess I haven't paid enough attention to that lately.
From there I went back to thinking about my current relationship with GB. I realized that (from my perspective) my biggest function with him seems to be as a good listener, and as a catalyst for him to lead the life he has wanted to grow into for so long. And as much as I'm honored to fill that role for him, it makes me feel disposable. I'm just waiting for him to get what he needs and fly away like so many others do. And a big part of me wants to feel that the man I'm dating finds me interesting and fun and enjoyable and special for who I am and what I've done in my life-- and not just what I do for him. Anybody can listen.
Granted, I'm making a big assumption of what he likes or appreciates or even what he knows about me. But when my interest in watching "Warehouse 13" shocked him, because he was interested in it, too, and he hasn't been interested in watching anything else I like... I had to acknowledge just how little he does know (or find interesting) about me. And I'm not sure how to fix that. I mean, he's considerate, and observant, and works to remember any preferences I express. He's a good listener when I open my mouth and talk, and he's totally supportive when I let him know about a challenge I'm facing in my life. He respects me, and he appreciates my input. But that's the rub-- I share bits of his life with him... but I don't know how to get this awesome guy who I really like to share bits of my life with me. I think I'm pretty unique and have a lot of interesting stories to share, if given the opportunity. Clearly, it's something *I* have to work on. Making opportunities. And not just with GB.
For now, I've decided that a return to my original game plan of dating would be a good morale booster for me. And that's got to be my priority. Me. So when I go over to his place tonight, I'm going to wear the most outrageously "ME" clothing I own, (You are, by the way, reading the blog of a woman who wore poofy purple genie pants and a dragon medallion in high school, had a very tall "mohawk" buzz cut for a few months in college, cox'd for the West Poignt men's crew team, lived for several years as the perfect little Army Wife, has prophetic dreams, works as an Archival Librarian on a woman-run organic goat farm, and daydreams of riding motorcycles at high speeds.) and I'm going to bring a movie I want to watch for once! I'm going to be sassy and strong and demanding, and just get what I want for myself-- and let the boy worry about keeping up with me for a change. (--this was the original dating plan, btw) If he wants to stay with me, he's going to have to form functional relationship with ALL parts of who I am, prove he doesn't scare easy, and not just interact with the safe and supportive bits of me that I've been putting out there for him lately.
Yes, I'm pretty and sweet and I don't cheat, but there's a hell of a lot more to me than that!
...should be fun...
So I'm sitting here contemplating the return trip to the library, and I flipped the book open to a page about being vulnerable. It's a very relevant page for me right now, because I've been feeling rather vulnerable the past few days for no reason I could find. I've also been trying to put my finger on a lingering concern I had yet to define in my dating relationship.
So what is my big vulnerability? Besides my fear of asking for more than someone has to give me? And why haven't I shared that with GB? What is it that's about ME, regardless of the relationship I'm in? Well-- I realize that I have a deep fear of being disposable. That I've started to resent the people who like to talk, but don't make time to listen. And I don't tend to share that bit of angst when it comes up. I know how important a good listener can be, and I am very very good at listening.
So many people in my world-- for the past twenty years or so-- They seek out my company when they are working on a big life change. When they need counsel or a leg up or just someone to listen and love them anyway. And when they get what they need to move forward with their lives, they spread their wings and fly away... until next time. That's part of why I finally opened an office. Why it's been so hard to give notice and close the office down again. I wanted to create a category in my life for the folks I support, so that I would be less likely to expect them to support me in return. It's not the way those relationships work.
It's a pattern I've known about for years, but I hadn't thought about it in a while. And I used to work hard at clarifying which were my fly-away friends, and which were my solid and constant friends who actually want to be there for ME on a regular basis, too. The folks who make time for me and appreciate more about me than my ability to support them. Because there is a lot more to me than the fact that I'm a good listener who helps others become the people they want to be. Guess I haven't paid enough attention to that lately.
From there I went back to thinking about my current relationship with GB. I realized that (from my perspective) my biggest function with him seems to be as a good listener, and as a catalyst for him to lead the life he has wanted to grow into for so long. And as much as I'm honored to fill that role for him, it makes me feel disposable. I'm just waiting for him to get what he needs and fly away like so many others do. And a big part of me wants to feel that the man I'm dating finds me interesting and fun and enjoyable and special for who I am and what I've done in my life-- and not just what I do for him. Anybody can listen.
Granted, I'm making a big assumption of what he likes or appreciates or even what he knows about me. But when my interest in watching "Warehouse 13" shocked him, because he was interested in it, too, and he hasn't been interested in watching anything else I like... I had to acknowledge just how little he does know (or find interesting) about me. And I'm not sure how to fix that. I mean, he's considerate, and observant, and works to remember any preferences I express. He's a good listener when I open my mouth and talk, and he's totally supportive when I let him know about a challenge I'm facing in my life. He respects me, and he appreciates my input. But that's the rub-- I share bits of his life with him... but I don't know how to get this awesome guy who I really like to share bits of my life with me. I think I'm pretty unique and have a lot of interesting stories to share, if given the opportunity. Clearly, it's something *I* have to work on. Making opportunities. And not just with GB.
For now, I've decided that a return to my original game plan of dating would be a good morale booster for me. And that's got to be my priority. Me. So when I go over to his place tonight, I'm going to wear the most outrageously "ME" clothing I own, (You are, by the way, reading the blog of a woman who wore poofy purple genie pants and a dragon medallion in high school, had a very tall "mohawk" buzz cut for a few months in college, cox'd for the West Poignt men's crew team, lived for several years as the perfect little Army Wife, has prophetic dreams, works as an Archival Librarian on a woman-run organic goat farm, and daydreams of riding motorcycles at high speeds.) and I'm going to bring a movie I want to watch for once! I'm going to be sassy and strong and demanding, and just get what I want for myself-- and let the boy worry about keeping up with me for a change. (--this was the original dating plan, btw) If he wants to stay with me, he's going to have to form functional relationship with ALL parts of who I am, prove he doesn't scare easy, and not just interact with the safe and supportive bits of me that I've been putting out there for him lately.
Yes, I'm pretty and sweet and I don't cheat, but there's a hell of a lot more to me than that!
...should be fun...
Wednesday, June 17
No Time To Talk
I've got Saturday Night Fever stuck in my head-- "You can tell by the way I use my walk-- I'm a lady's man, no time to talk... Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive. Uh-uh-uh-uh, Stayin' Aliiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiive."
It started with the section of book I wrote for tonight's Writing Group, about the Argmy's Agnthrags Vaccine and how awful it was. I was going to call it "Staying Alive..." but then the song flashed in my head. Now it's just THERE. IN MY HEAD.
Interestingly, and nonsequitously, I'm suddenly noticing the things about GB that really impressed me at first, and that he just doesn't do anymore, six weeks into our dating relationship. Like opening the car door for me. Or making sure if I drive home late at night (not just from his house, but from ANYWHERE)-- that I actually made it there safely. Or attributing some of the unexpected good things in his life of late to the fact that I'm in his life now, too. I know that last one wasn't true, but I appreciated the compliment. And I really liked feeling that someone out there cared enough for my safety to check in with me when they knew I might need it. Specifically that the someone I might consider a life partner one day had that level of concern for my well-being. And paid attention to my life enough to know when I was taking long drives alone on the highway, etc.
Also, can I just say that we tried to grocery shop together the other day, and he drove me bonkers in the process. THREE TRIPS down the same aisle because he was having trouble comparing the items on the list to the items in the aisle for more than one item at a time. I know he was tired that day. I know *I* was tired that day, and furthermore that I've done the exact same thing from time to time. But it's the first time he's done anything that really just got on my nerves. I had four hours to spend with him, and 3.5 of those hours went to shopping for paper towels and a skillet. And it REALLY got on my nerves. Besides predicting doom and gloom at every turn, that is. That also gets on my nerves. He's very slowly getting better about that one. I just don't know if I have the patience to wait for him to truly overcome this negative tendency of his.
Those are the not-so-happilies.
Fortunately, he loves my cooking. A lot. He's starting to relax enough around me that I believe I'm starting to see the REAL GB, and not the "make a good first impression" GB. And the real GB still walks into the other room to fart so I don't have to smell it, and sits for long periods in uncomfortable positions rather than move me off his chest, when I fall asleep on him by accident. He pauses in the middle of what he's doing to put a finger under my chin just because he's glad I'm there with him. And he continues to work hard at our communication and at figuring out what we're each thinking about our relationship as it unfolds. He still asks me to explain my unconscious sighs, and really appreciates my input on some of his decisions-- before he makes them. He still takes amazingly good care of his dog, though he's gotten fed up with his lazy-ass roommate's lonely teenage cats, and now chases them away whenever he spends time in the main part of the house.
I know nobody's perfect. And I know I enjoy most of our time together. But I find that my tolerance for other people wasting my time is low, and that my high expectations for any relationship I spend time on are still very much in effect. So I'm teetering between awareness that everybody (including me) has their annoying foibles, and the boy is dealing with a lot of challenges and concerns right now-- and a slow insidious loss of interest in those same challenges and concerns because I've been hearing about them for nearly six weeks now. I can't tell if I'm just grumpy, or if there's something deeper I need to notice.
I also can't tell if I'm leery of "waiting it out" because I lost so much time waiting for my ex to get his shit together... and now I'm unfairly unwilling to give anybody a break for having personal challenges to cope with-- or if I'm leery of "waiting it out" because I don't believe it's actually going to go away anytime soon. I just don't know.
So I think for now I'll wait and see. And maybe take a headache pill before I go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally feel rested when I wake up. I'd like that. And I really REALLY wish I'd had time to stick around and let the GB spoil me with a big home-made breakfast this morning. He planned to do it. But by 9am, he still wasn't out of bed, and I had a day's worth of work to start. So I left. Half an hour after I'd planned to go, once he finished telling me of his morning worry and kissing me goodbye. And I've been damned grumpy about it ever since.
It started with the section of book I wrote for tonight's Writing Group, about the Argmy's Agnthrags Vaccine and how awful it was. I was going to call it "Staying Alive..." but then the song flashed in my head. Now it's just THERE. IN MY HEAD.
Interestingly, and nonsequitously, I'm suddenly noticing the things about GB that really impressed me at first, and that he just doesn't do anymore, six weeks into our dating relationship. Like opening the car door for me. Or making sure if I drive home late at night (not just from his house, but from ANYWHERE)-- that I actually made it there safely. Or attributing some of the unexpected good things in his life of late to the fact that I'm in his life now, too. I know that last one wasn't true, but I appreciated the compliment. And I really liked feeling that someone out there cared enough for my safety to check in with me when they knew I might need it. Specifically that the someone I might consider a life partner one day had that level of concern for my well-being. And paid attention to my life enough to know when I was taking long drives alone on the highway, etc.
Also, can I just say that we tried to grocery shop together the other day, and he drove me bonkers in the process. THREE TRIPS down the same aisle because he was having trouble comparing the items on the list to the items in the aisle for more than one item at a time. I know he was tired that day. I know *I* was tired that day, and furthermore that I've done the exact same thing from time to time. But it's the first time he's done anything that really just got on my nerves. I had four hours to spend with him, and 3.5 of those hours went to shopping for paper towels and a skillet. And it REALLY got on my nerves. Besides predicting doom and gloom at every turn, that is. That also gets on my nerves. He's very slowly getting better about that one. I just don't know if I have the patience to wait for him to truly overcome this negative tendency of his.
Those are the not-so-happilies.
Fortunately, he loves my cooking. A lot. He's starting to relax enough around me that I believe I'm starting to see the REAL GB, and not the "make a good first impression" GB. And the real GB still walks into the other room to fart so I don't have to smell it, and sits for long periods in uncomfortable positions rather than move me off his chest, when I fall asleep on him by accident. He pauses in the middle of what he's doing to put a finger under my chin just because he's glad I'm there with him. And he continues to work hard at our communication and at figuring out what we're each thinking about our relationship as it unfolds. He still asks me to explain my unconscious sighs, and really appreciates my input on some of his decisions-- before he makes them. He still takes amazingly good care of his dog, though he's gotten fed up with his lazy-ass roommate's lonely teenage cats, and now chases them away whenever he spends time in the main part of the house.
I know nobody's perfect. And I know I enjoy most of our time together. But I find that my tolerance for other people wasting my time is low, and that my high expectations for any relationship I spend time on are still very much in effect. So I'm teetering between awareness that everybody (including me) has their annoying foibles, and the boy is dealing with a lot of challenges and concerns right now-- and a slow insidious loss of interest in those same challenges and concerns because I've been hearing about them for nearly six weeks now. I can't tell if I'm just grumpy, or if there's something deeper I need to notice.
I also can't tell if I'm leery of "waiting it out" because I lost so much time waiting for my ex to get his shit together... and now I'm unfairly unwilling to give anybody a break for having personal challenges to cope with-- or if I'm leery of "waiting it out" because I don't believe it's actually going to go away anytime soon. I just don't know.
So I think for now I'll wait and see. And maybe take a headache pill before I go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally feel rested when I wake up. I'd like that. And I really REALLY wish I'd had time to stick around and let the GB spoil me with a big home-made breakfast this morning. He planned to do it. But by 9am, he still wasn't out of bed, and I had a day's worth of work to start. So I left. Half an hour after I'd planned to go, once he finished telling me of his morning worry and kissing me goodbye. And I've been damned grumpy about it ever since.
Wednesday, April 29
At the Root
I've been working to strengthen my Root Chakra lately. (Strength is important-- particularly when you've got a cat lying on your arms and you're trying to type.) It has been a roller-coaster couple of weeks, and the timing for having my Root Chakra nice and strong couldn't be better.
Calamity comes in all shapes and sizes, and a bunch of my dear friends have been faced with one calamity or another in the past week or two. And it's a relief to support them all without having to also feel all their pain for them. At this point, I've done enough work as a Life Coach to be able to separate what *I* am feeling on my own behalf from what I am feeling on SOMEONE ELSE'S behalf.
And so I was tired from all the energy I (gladly) used in support of my friends coping with life-crisis stuff... but I wasn't emotionally overwhelmed or incapacitated by all the grief. And I'm really proud of myself for that.
The Root Chakra, by the way, is the one in charge of our connection with the Earth, our sense of security and belonging, our financial and physical well-being, our safety, our solidity in whatever we are trying to accomplish with our lives, and our groundedness. (is that a word?) And each chakra has a specific "right" attached to it-- like the right to bare arms, only that isn't one of them. For the Root Chakra, you have the right to be here; and the right to have.
It was a weird sort of awareness for me to realize that I've spent most of my life working really hard to make other people look good, and help other people achieve their dreams/goals/successes. And I've spent the last several years not really believing I had a right to my own success, or to use my skills and experiences and abilities to make MYSELF look good. No wonder it's been so hard to find a good-paying job. I never felt like I deserved one!
Over the past few weeks, I've made a point of focusing on my Root Chakra, and being grounded in my right to have, for a few minutes every day. And I can feel the difference. I'm a lot better grounded than I was a few weeks ago. Thank goodness, considering all the challenges that have come up since then.
Even the visit to the Family Farm couldn't have been better-timed. OH-- and I finally broke down and bought some freeze-dried nettle leaf capsules (instead of relying solely on my home-brew nettle tincture)-- and they are SO controlling my allergies with NO side effects!!! YAY for uninterrupted sleep!! (Except of course, that Abbigale continues to throw up a little too frequently this week, and I had to jump out of bed an hour before my alarm so I could give her some tummy meds-- which did work this time, thank goodness!)
Calamity comes in all shapes and sizes, and a bunch of my dear friends have been faced with one calamity or another in the past week or two. And it's a relief to support them all without having to also feel all their pain for them. At this point, I've done enough work as a Life Coach to be able to separate what *I* am feeling on my own behalf from what I am feeling on SOMEONE ELSE'S behalf.
And so I was tired from all the energy I (gladly) used in support of my friends coping with life-crisis stuff... but I wasn't emotionally overwhelmed or incapacitated by all the grief. And I'm really proud of myself for that.
The Root Chakra, by the way, is the one in charge of our connection with the Earth, our sense of security and belonging, our financial and physical well-being, our safety, our solidity in whatever we are trying to accomplish with our lives, and our groundedness. (is that a word?) And each chakra has a specific "right" attached to it-- like the right to bare arms, only that isn't one of them. For the Root Chakra, you have the right to be here; and the right to have.
It was a weird sort of awareness for me to realize that I've spent most of my life working really hard to make other people look good, and help other people achieve their dreams/goals/successes. And I've spent the last several years not really believing I had a right to my own success, or to use my skills and experiences and abilities to make MYSELF look good. No wonder it's been so hard to find a good-paying job. I never felt like I deserved one!
Over the past few weeks, I've made a point of focusing on my Root Chakra, and being grounded in my right to have, for a few minutes every day. And I can feel the difference. I'm a lot better grounded than I was a few weeks ago. Thank goodness, considering all the challenges that have come up since then.
Even the visit to the Family Farm couldn't have been better-timed. OH-- and I finally broke down and bought some freeze-dried nettle leaf capsules (instead of relying solely on my home-brew nettle tincture)-- and they are SO controlling my allergies with NO side effects!!! YAY for uninterrupted sleep!! (Except of course, that Abbigale continues to throw up a little too frequently this week, and I had to jump out of bed an hour before my alarm so I could give her some tummy meds-- which did work this time, thank goodness!)
Sunday, December 7
Waiting for Forgiveness
I've been ill the last week. I'm definitely getting better, but it's been eight days since I could say I really felt functional. And I've still got an overabundance of green snot.
Eww!
Those eight days covered the first of the month-- the day I have not one but three rent checks due. Rent for my storage space. Rent for my office. Rent for my apartment. Friday was the day after thanksgiving. I had big plans to get a few of those rent payments made then-- the 30th of November. But I stayed overnight with family in another town, and had about an hour of time at home-- frantically unpacking, repacking, petting grumpy cats, feeding hungry cats, feeding hungry me, trying to get my contacts to function in my eyes, and on and on like that-- before I got back in the car and drove another two hours to my next big holiday gathering of the weekend.
The rent didn't get paid.
Monday was the first. By Sunday, I knew I was sick. I didn't leave my bed much. I think I made it downstairs for food once or twice. Oh, on Monday I did drive out to the storage unit to make that payment. It was a painful trip, but I needed another couple boxes of kleenex, so I made it happen. I had a client planned for Tuesday-- I thought I'd pay rent when I went to the office then. By Monday night, I called my clients for Tuesday AND Wednesday-- to reschedule. I was that sick.
My Thursday client called to reschedule, too. She is on meds that repress her immuno system. Neither of us wanted her to get sick. So I didn't get into the office on that day either. That night, I realized too late to call my office landlord that I never did let her know what was going on with the rent check. That it was really late now. And I felt like shit.
In the midst of that thought process, as if I thought of it because she thought of it-- she called to ask me what was going on with the rent check. I never wanted her to have to do that. And I felt shitty about not getting it to her on time. Shitty that I was relying on her goodness of heart to not charge me tons of late fees, and for it to be okay that I just was too sick to remember to pay her somehow.
So I called back, but she didn't answer. And I've left her a payment-- and called twice a day since Thursday for one reason or another. And she hasn't answered any of my calls, nor returned any of my messages. I'm being a pest, and I know it. But I made a mistake. And I feel bad. And I want her to tell me that it's okay. That things like this happen, and it isn't a big deal. I want her to forgive me so that I can forgive myself.
Intellectually, I know my landlord probably wouldn't have cashed the check by now anyway-- but we have a contract, and I broke it. I broke it enough that she had to follow up with me about it-- and I didn't follow up with her first. I left her a check on Friday-- the fifth of the month.
The worst part is that I actually tried to take care of myself on Saturday. To sleep enough to finally get well-- and I slept long enough that I totally missed going to the bank before it closed to deposit money to COVER the checks I wrote for rent. I hate being in debt. I hate being afraid of writing checks and buying food on credit. And right now, I can't even find someone to buy my car for it's actual kelly-blue-book value. I find myself praying that the auto-payment on the car loan won't come out until Tuesday-- after I've had a chance to put money I don't have in the bank.
I know the world is in recession. I know everyone around me is feeling the pinch. I saw it all coming early enough to have done something about it, too. But somehow, doing everything I could wasn't enough, or wasn't the right thing at the right time. Somehow, here I am in as big a mess as everybody else, with student loans and car loans and credit card loans and family loans to pay off, and a new business to get off the ground... and no income.
I know that part of why that payment was late is that I spent the week hoping for a miracle. Hoping for enough clients to have appointments and pay me for them that I'd have money in the bank to cover my expenses. And someday, I know I will. I love what I do, and it's important and valuable work. The clients I do have love my services and return as often as they can. It's a huge compliment. Exciting.
But as yet, it hasn't covered my bills. So I'm downsizing. Trying to clear out my storage unit. Trying to sell my car. Trying to live on what money my business DOES bring in. Daydreaming of a time when I can build my own home, and include space for renters, maybe even space to see clients there, so that all my income doesn't come from one place. So that I can start to put money away for retirement. So that my lifestyle really does support Mother Earth.
Because the home I want to build will be insulated enough to keep out summer heat and keep in winter warmth with only the help of a zero-emission masonry fireplace. A home that collects rainwater for household use, and reuses/harvests gray water in sustainable ways. A home that I feel safe sleeping in at night, and that has spaces for me to welcome friends for a visit now and then. And a root cellar to store foods away, so that I can spend my money on local farmers and in-season produce, and benefit year-round from having done so. Maybe even find time for a garden of my own. And grow my own herbs for the healing teas and tonics and ointments that I make.
Maybe then I'll finally feel like I've managed right-living with the Earth. Maybe by the time I do all that, I'll even be able to afford health insurance again. I'd like that. It's been a few years since I had any, or dental, or eye. And my teeth could use a good cleaning.
But for now I wait. And hope that by the time I act, it won't be too late for the Earth and all her children to forgive me for not having acted sooner. For squandering her resources and mine-- back when I didn't realize there weren't any more resources coming to fill those now-empty mines and forest lands and bank accounts...
I hate waiting.
Eww!
Those eight days covered the first of the month-- the day I have not one but three rent checks due. Rent for my storage space. Rent for my office. Rent for my apartment. Friday was the day after thanksgiving. I had big plans to get a few of those rent payments made then-- the 30th of November. But I stayed overnight with family in another town, and had about an hour of time at home-- frantically unpacking, repacking, petting grumpy cats, feeding hungry cats, feeding hungry me, trying to get my contacts to function in my eyes, and on and on like that-- before I got back in the car and drove another two hours to my next big holiday gathering of the weekend.
The rent didn't get paid.
Monday was the first. By Sunday, I knew I was sick. I didn't leave my bed much. I think I made it downstairs for food once or twice. Oh, on Monday I did drive out to the storage unit to make that payment. It was a painful trip, but I needed another couple boxes of kleenex, so I made it happen. I had a client planned for Tuesday-- I thought I'd pay rent when I went to the office then. By Monday night, I called my clients for Tuesday AND Wednesday-- to reschedule. I was that sick.
My Thursday client called to reschedule, too. She is on meds that repress her immuno system. Neither of us wanted her to get sick. So I didn't get into the office on that day either. That night, I realized too late to call my office landlord that I never did let her know what was going on with the rent check. That it was really late now. And I felt like shit.
In the midst of that thought process, as if I thought of it because she thought of it-- she called to ask me what was going on with the rent check. I never wanted her to have to do that. And I felt shitty about not getting it to her on time. Shitty that I was relying on her goodness of heart to not charge me tons of late fees, and for it to be okay that I just was too sick to remember to pay her somehow.
So I called back, but she didn't answer. And I've left her a payment-- and called twice a day since Thursday for one reason or another. And she hasn't answered any of my calls, nor returned any of my messages. I'm being a pest, and I know it. But I made a mistake. And I feel bad. And I want her to tell me that it's okay. That things like this happen, and it isn't a big deal. I want her to forgive me so that I can forgive myself.
Intellectually, I know my landlord probably wouldn't have cashed the check by now anyway-- but we have a contract, and I broke it. I broke it enough that she had to follow up with me about it-- and I didn't follow up with her first. I left her a check on Friday-- the fifth of the month.
The worst part is that I actually tried to take care of myself on Saturday. To sleep enough to finally get well-- and I slept long enough that I totally missed going to the bank before it closed to deposit money to COVER the checks I wrote for rent. I hate being in debt. I hate being afraid of writing checks and buying food on credit. And right now, I can't even find someone to buy my car for it's actual kelly-blue-book value. I find myself praying that the auto-payment on the car loan won't come out until Tuesday-- after I've had a chance to put money I don't have in the bank.
I know the world is in recession. I know everyone around me is feeling the pinch. I saw it all coming early enough to have done something about it, too. But somehow, doing everything I could wasn't enough, or wasn't the right thing at the right time. Somehow, here I am in as big a mess as everybody else, with student loans and car loans and credit card loans and family loans to pay off, and a new business to get off the ground... and no income.
I know that part of why that payment was late is that I spent the week hoping for a miracle. Hoping for enough clients to have appointments and pay me for them that I'd have money in the bank to cover my expenses. And someday, I know I will. I love what I do, and it's important and valuable work. The clients I do have love my services and return as often as they can. It's a huge compliment. Exciting.
But as yet, it hasn't covered my bills. So I'm downsizing. Trying to clear out my storage unit. Trying to sell my car. Trying to live on what money my business DOES bring in. Daydreaming of a time when I can build my own home, and include space for renters, maybe even space to see clients there, so that all my income doesn't come from one place. So that I can start to put money away for retirement. So that my lifestyle really does support Mother Earth.
Because the home I want to build will be insulated enough to keep out summer heat and keep in winter warmth with only the help of a zero-emission masonry fireplace. A home that collects rainwater for household use, and reuses/harvests gray water in sustainable ways. A home that I feel safe sleeping in at night, and that has spaces for me to welcome friends for a visit now and then. And a root cellar to store foods away, so that I can spend my money on local farmers and in-season produce, and benefit year-round from having done so. Maybe even find time for a garden of my own. And grow my own herbs for the healing teas and tonics and ointments that I make.
Maybe then I'll finally feel like I've managed right-living with the Earth. Maybe by the time I do all that, I'll even be able to afford health insurance again. I'd like that. It's been a few years since I had any, or dental, or eye. And my teeth could use a good cleaning.
But for now I wait. And hope that by the time I act, it won't be too late for the Earth and all her children to forgive me for not having acted sooner. For squandering her resources and mine-- back when I didn't realize there weren't any more resources coming to fill those now-empty mines and forest lands and bank accounts...
I hate waiting.
Thursday, October 9
Once Toady
Someone once told me that electronics work better at cooler temperatures. It's one of the reasons that working Intel is such a great job in the Argmy-- because you get to sit in air conditioned rooms with all the electronics and shight.
I think the electronics in my bedroom must be THRILLED. And, if I discover that they are all functioning at 3x their normal efficiency, I will feel that this is only fair. Because I had to work on my computer for about four hours this morning before I got into the nice hot shower... and it took about oh... most of the shower... to get my fingers warm enough to where the hot water didn't hurt them anymore. Not because the water was hotter than usual-- it wasn't. Rather, because my fingers were just that damn cold.
Anytime you have to wear the same winter clothes IN THE HOUSE as you do OUTSIDE THE HOUSE-- that's when you use your credit card to buy a really efficient space heater that can run full time without bursting into flame-- and you plug the sucker in, and RUN IT. Especially if you also have an arthritic kitty who really loves you, and walks with a bigger limp than normal when she's really cold and it's raining outside.
I would like all my well-wishers to put their thoughts toward "Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough." Just repeat that a few times for me, and we'll see how things go from here.
Personally, I'm posting flyers in appropriate locations about my upcoming Workshops. And I'm planning to apply for that part time Reference Librarian position that just came up in Lake Oswego. And I'm planning to apply for some micro-loans in the hope that I will be able to jump-start some appropriate advertising for my Consulting Business (and make home heating bill payments and student loan payments, among other things).
I'm also going to go hide my frozen fingers-- the ones with the slightly green-blue tinge-- in the electric blanket for an hour or two before I go to bed now. Maybe also my toes. If I have any. I can't tell at the moment.
...Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough. Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough. Staci works...
I think the electronics in my bedroom must be THRILLED. And, if I discover that they are all functioning at 3x their normal efficiency, I will feel that this is only fair. Because I had to work on my computer for about four hours this morning before I got into the nice hot shower... and it took about oh... most of the shower... to get my fingers warm enough to where the hot water didn't hurt them anymore. Not because the water was hotter than usual-- it wasn't. Rather, because my fingers were just that damn cold.
Anytime you have to wear the same winter clothes IN THE HOUSE as you do OUTSIDE THE HOUSE-- that's when you use your credit card to buy a really efficient space heater that can run full time without bursting into flame-- and you plug the sucker in, and RUN IT. Especially if you also have an arthritic kitty who really loves you, and walks with a bigger limp than normal when she's really cold and it's raining outside.
I would like all my well-wishers to put their thoughts toward "Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough." Just repeat that a few times for me, and we'll see how things go from here.
Personally, I'm posting flyers in appropriate locations about my upcoming Workshops. And I'm planning to apply for that part time Reference Librarian position that just came up in Lake Oswego. And I'm planning to apply for some micro-loans in the hope that I will be able to jump-start some appropriate advertising for my Consulting Business (and make home heating bill payments and student loan payments, among other things).
I'm also going to go hide my frozen fingers-- the ones with the slightly green-blue tinge-- in the electric blanket for an hour or two before I go to bed now. Maybe also my toes. If I have any. I can't tell at the moment.
...Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough. Staci works at a job that feeds both her life purpose AND her budget more than enough. Staci works...
Monday, August 11
Post Non Gratta
I'm having some difficulties. I wish they were technical, but they're not.
I'd just like to clarify that if anybody ever has a concern about something I've published in this blog that might refer to them, or that clearly does refer to them-- I will honor that by removing the section in which they are mentioned. We each navigate life, and the internet, as best we can.
Thank you.
I'd just like to clarify that if anybody ever has a concern about something I've published in this blog that might refer to them, or that clearly does refer to them-- I will honor that by removing the section in which they are mentioned. We each navigate life, and the internet, as best we can.
Thank you.
Monday, July 21
Growing Up
Everybody is growing up. I had dinner with my West-Coast family tonight. TE looks and acts like a professional lawyer-- she's wonderful. She's barely a year older than I am, too, and no longer new to her profession. Her baby is fussy and cute and 5 months old. Her oldest daughter is already more mature than last time I saw her. And taller. She's going to out-grow her mother yet, I think, and I worry that maybe she's not getting the love and careful attention her needy and dramatic little soul needs sometimes. She sure likes to shop.
My parents are older, too. They squint and help each other remember things. It's been a long time since Uncle R has changed his own babies' diapers... and here he is, at it again with grandchild number four. I guess I'm growing up, too, in a way. Learning to navigate between my old fears and my new possibilities. Learning to take intelligent emotional risks, and learning to let my body rest when I am tired.
I even got a great fortune cookie after dinner tonight-- Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goal. You will succeed. I don't know who wrote it, but I sure did need to hear it. I have a picture of an abundant life-- my abundant life-- in my head. Sometimes I feel it's within easy reach, and sometimes it doesn't matter how far or how thin I stretch myself, my goals remain very far away. Funny to realize that how little adults really know and control in real life.
I guess that's a learning process, too. And I'm okay with that. I think I've come a long way in the last four years, and I'm proud of me. I just want a library job... and these days, I feel that it'd be nice to have one fairly close to home-- and in an academic library or vendor service. I'd like to be financially self-sufficient, and emotionally come from a place of strength. Right now, I'm just tired. So tired I'm actually emotionally numb, and my shoulder/neck is hurting in a way it hasn't for weeks now.
I know part of that is the way I've spent the last several days-- scrambling to pull an interview together, catching up on all my web-based commitments. There was a huge day of family and their friends, with hard news about an illness of someone dear to me in the midst of the festivities, and a concert on the lawn. My Saturday ended after midnight, and I was tired and raw from navigating it all. Excited about Sunday, but nervous, too. Dating seems to have much higher emotional risks than friending ever has.
Sunday was a very good day. Longer than I'd expected, I was on my feet for nearly seven hours straight, and having good conversation with a new friend. I think we're dating, but I'm not really sure. I hope that conversation will come as easily as all the other talk has so far... It was a real success to be relaxed and not let my fears about my own shigt intrude-- for a whole day of one-on-one time with someone whose opinion of me I really value. I can't pretend the shigt isn't there... but I can decide how I'm going to act when I recognize it. And maybe... maybe this guy with so many other amazingly great qualities will be great about my shigt, too. I'd like that.
I stayed up late again, trying to work things out in my head. Trying to separate old nasties from new realities. Trying to figure out what had actually happened, what I was told had happened, and what I want to have happen next. The first person I need to be clear and honest with is me, after all. So, exhausted again, I fell into bed after midnight on Sunday.
Monday itself has been a blur of running errands, finishing web responsibilities, making the long drive to family dinner (arriving 45 minutes early, only to find that nobody'd called for a reservation) and back home again... And I realize I will sleep tonight. I'm exhausted both in body and in mind. I need time to process all I've done and felt and thought and seen and heard. I have more errands to run, and breakfast with a very dear friend in the morning-- somewhere near 23rd. Somewhere. Then there's work to do, and I'd really like to sort and stash everything from that nasty lump of crap in the middle of my floor tomorrow. It's time.
Balancing my own needs and the responsibilities and desires I feel (including the desire to make everyone around me happy, too) is yet another aspect of growing up. One I'm still working to achieve in a healthy and balanced way. I'll get there... but it may take a while longer. I'm not all THAT grown up yet, and my birthday is coming. Time enough to figure things out when I'm 3o. Right?
...let's see... that gives me a whole three weeks to bumble around in the dark here... give or take.
My parents are older, too. They squint and help each other remember things. It's been a long time since Uncle R has changed his own babies' diapers... and here he is, at it again with grandchild number four. I guess I'm growing up, too, in a way. Learning to navigate between my old fears and my new possibilities. Learning to take intelligent emotional risks, and learning to let my body rest when I am tired.
I even got a great fortune cookie after dinner tonight-- Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goal. You will succeed. I don't know who wrote it, but I sure did need to hear it. I have a picture of an abundant life-- my abundant life-- in my head. Sometimes I feel it's within easy reach, and sometimes it doesn't matter how far or how thin I stretch myself, my goals remain very far away. Funny to realize that how little adults really know and control in real life.
I guess that's a learning process, too. And I'm okay with that. I think I've come a long way in the last four years, and I'm proud of me. I just want a library job... and these days, I feel that it'd be nice to have one fairly close to home-- and in an academic library or vendor service. I'd like to be financially self-sufficient, and emotionally come from a place of strength. Right now, I'm just tired. So tired I'm actually emotionally numb, and my shoulder/neck is hurting in a way it hasn't for weeks now.
I know part of that is the way I've spent the last several days-- scrambling to pull an interview together, catching up on all my web-based commitments. There was a huge day of family and their friends, with hard news about an illness of someone dear to me in the midst of the festivities, and a concert on the lawn. My Saturday ended after midnight, and I was tired and raw from navigating it all. Excited about Sunday, but nervous, too. Dating seems to have much higher emotional risks than friending ever has.
Sunday was a very good day. Longer than I'd expected, I was on my feet for nearly seven hours straight, and having good conversation with a new friend. I think we're dating, but I'm not really sure. I hope that conversation will come as easily as all the other talk has so far... It was a real success to be relaxed and not let my fears about my own shigt intrude-- for a whole day of one-on-one time with someone whose opinion of me I really value. I can't pretend the shigt isn't there... but I can decide how I'm going to act when I recognize it. And maybe... maybe this guy with so many other amazingly great qualities will be great about my shigt, too. I'd like that.
I stayed up late again, trying to work things out in my head. Trying to separate old nasties from new realities. Trying to figure out what had actually happened, what I was told had happened, and what I want to have happen next. The first person I need to be clear and honest with is me, after all. So, exhausted again, I fell into bed after midnight on Sunday.
Monday itself has been a blur of running errands, finishing web responsibilities, making the long drive to family dinner (arriving 45 minutes early, only to find that nobody'd called for a reservation) and back home again... And I realize I will sleep tonight. I'm exhausted both in body and in mind. I need time to process all I've done and felt and thought and seen and heard. I have more errands to run, and breakfast with a very dear friend in the morning-- somewhere near 23rd. Somewhere. Then there's work to do, and I'd really like to sort and stash everything from that nasty lump of crap in the middle of my floor tomorrow. It's time.
Balancing my own needs and the responsibilities and desires I feel (including the desire to make everyone around me happy, too) is yet another aspect of growing up. One I'm still working to achieve in a healthy and balanced way. I'll get there... but it may take a while longer. I'm not all THAT grown up yet, and my birthday is coming. Time enough to figure things out when I'm 3o. Right?
...let's see... that gives me a whole three weeks to bumble around in the dark here... give or take.
The Scary Part...
I think I went on a date. Now what???
This guy is intelligent, self-sufficient, capable, stable, easy-going, and also knows what he wants and what he thinks. He's mature, and he's sturdy, and he's thoughtful and caring-- especially toward his family and his community, and he doesn't seem to worry about what anybody else thinks, and seems to have his life pretty well planned out. What on earth would I bring to his life that he doesn't already have? Would there be room for me and my goals and my way of living? And... could I maintain my own newly and hard-won self-awareness and personal opinions and sense of purpose in the world if I ended up in a serious relationship with him? Would I stop being silly around the edges so that I'd appear mature and sturdy, too? Standing on one foot isn't very sturdy, and the Christmas carols aren't always sung in tune... but it's who I am, and I really like me.
It's part of a larger concern. The last vestiges of my fear of fugcking up at dating like I did at marrying, and of not finding someone who actually IS all those things I THINK he is; mixed with this irrational fear that I'm not enough for a guy like this.
I just have to let actions speak, and listen when they do. I have to give myself (and him) TIME. And ask frank questions if/when I want more transparent communication between us. That's a challenge all by itself, but it's important to me.
Without good, solid, honest, and timely communication... there isn't really anything else.
My job is to make sure I stay in touch with myself and my needs, and that I clearly communicate my needs and my questions to whomever I am with. I'm getting better at this, but I've got some learning left to do. All that is about me. It would be the same with any guy... And this guy seems to be really great. Really Great. In some ways, it'd be easier if his baggage was as transparent to me as mine is...
And... When I stop to think about who I am and what I have to offer a friend or a partner... it's actually pretty impressive. I'm caring, considerate (usually), and I pursue open and honest communication. I invite opportunity for consensus. I'm intelligent. I have plans for a career, and I enjoy being productive. I'm sometimes funny (it helps if you get my jokes). I've got a lot of skills, and I'm willing to try new things and lend a hand when I do know what I'm doing.
I'm artistic, and handy, and creative, and a good problem-solver (usually-- there was that time when I forgot that I didn't need an internet connection to transport information from one computer to another...). I take healthy risks, and I'm constantly working to improve myself as a person and a community-member. I'm genuine. I'm good with animals and children and... just about everybody else, too.
I steal the covers, but I give them back. I'm not afraid to ask for help when I need it. I cook excellent one-pot meals. I buy organic, and I like french fries. I'm a skilled writer and information-finder. I know how to use the spell-checker. I'm loyal. I'm flexible so long as SOMEONE has a plan. I don't get angry easily (though I get frustrated with myself more easily than I'd like)... I can laugh at myself, and I love to cuddle. I give a good massage, and I can be very sensual in a safe and committed situation. People seem to think I'm good company, and I'm pretty good at expressing my opinions when I have them. I really see people for who they are inside, when given a window in.
I mean, really, that's a lot to offer in the dating world...
and-- apparently-- I'm perky, too. So There.
It occurs to me... I need to start a list of questions we all want to ask, but often don't know how (or don't have the courage to ask) in dating situations! According to a girlfriend of mine who's done a lot of dating recently, the rules now are... THERE ARE NO RULES. Dating is what you want it to be. Huh. I'm really not sure how to interact with that. I want conflicting things. It's hard to take big risks when what I really want is not to get hurt. I don't want any more hurt in my life right now. I've had enough to last two lifetimes. I also want to see if there IS a good life-partner out there for me, and that involves taking some emotional risks.
So I wonder... is it simply time to focus on enjoying today, and let the future take care of itself? Ironically, the very next thing that comes to mind is a question: ...and where will that lead if I do?? How scary is that!
This guy is intelligent, self-sufficient, capable, stable, easy-going, and also knows what he wants and what he thinks. He's mature, and he's sturdy, and he's thoughtful and caring-- especially toward his family and his community, and he doesn't seem to worry about what anybody else thinks, and seems to have his life pretty well planned out. What on earth would I bring to his life that he doesn't already have? Would there be room for me and my goals and my way of living? And... could I maintain my own newly and hard-won self-awareness and personal opinions and sense of purpose in the world if I ended up in a serious relationship with him? Would I stop being silly around the edges so that I'd appear mature and sturdy, too? Standing on one foot isn't very sturdy, and the Christmas carols aren't always sung in tune... but it's who I am, and I really like me.
It's part of a larger concern. The last vestiges of my fear of fugcking up at dating like I did at marrying, and of not finding someone who actually IS all those things I THINK he is; mixed with this irrational fear that I'm not enough for a guy like this.
I just have to let actions speak, and listen when they do. I have to give myself (and him) TIME. And ask frank questions if/when I want more transparent communication between us. That's a challenge all by itself, but it's important to me.
Without good, solid, honest, and timely communication... there isn't really anything else.
My job is to make sure I stay in touch with myself and my needs, and that I clearly communicate my needs and my questions to whomever I am with. I'm getting better at this, but I've got some learning left to do. All that is about me. It would be the same with any guy... And this guy seems to be really great. Really Great. In some ways, it'd be easier if his baggage was as transparent to me as mine is...
And... When I stop to think about who I am and what I have to offer a friend or a partner... it's actually pretty impressive. I'm caring, considerate (usually), and I pursue open and honest communication. I invite opportunity for consensus. I'm intelligent. I have plans for a career, and I enjoy being productive. I'm sometimes funny (it helps if you get my jokes). I've got a lot of skills, and I'm willing to try new things and lend a hand when I do know what I'm doing.
I'm artistic, and handy, and creative, and a good problem-solver (usually-- there was that time when I forgot that I didn't need an internet connection to transport information from one computer to another...). I take healthy risks, and I'm constantly working to improve myself as a person and a community-member. I'm genuine. I'm good with animals and children and... just about everybody else, too.
I steal the covers, but I give them back. I'm not afraid to ask for help when I need it. I cook excellent one-pot meals. I buy organic, and I like french fries. I'm a skilled writer and information-finder. I know how to use the spell-checker. I'm loyal. I'm flexible so long as SOMEONE has a plan. I don't get angry easily (though I get frustrated with myself more easily than I'd like)... I can laugh at myself, and I love to cuddle. I give a good massage, and I can be very sensual in a safe and committed situation. People seem to think I'm good company, and I'm pretty good at expressing my opinions when I have them. I really see people for who they are inside, when given a window in.
I mean, really, that's a lot to offer in the dating world...
and-- apparently-- I'm perky, too. So There.
It occurs to me... I need to start a list of questions we all want to ask, but often don't know how (or don't have the courage to ask) in dating situations! According to a girlfriend of mine who's done a lot of dating recently, the rules now are... THERE ARE NO RULES. Dating is what you want it to be. Huh. I'm really not sure how to interact with that. I want conflicting things. It's hard to take big risks when what I really want is not to get hurt. I don't want any more hurt in my life right now. I've had enough to last two lifetimes. I also want to see if there IS a good life-partner out there for me, and that involves taking some emotional risks.
So I wonder... is it simply time to focus on enjoying today, and let the future take care of itself? Ironically, the very next thing that comes to mind is a question: ...and where will that lead if I do?? How scary is that!
Tuesday, May 6
Claw-Daddy!
So I was cruising around the Library Mo-Fo blog recently, and came across this little gem:
http://community.livejournal.com/library_mofo/799267.html
And it was just so well written that I had to share. I'm also a bit concerned.
I had this boss-- actually, I had four of this boss ALL AT THE SAME TIME...
And... well... it's just so SAD how many of us have had to work for this person at least once in our lifetime. What happened to good management training? What happened to good bosses and work environments that are not full of forced cheer? What happened to job security for the highly educated?!
It's funny-- in the comments there was a discussion about the need to never feel trapped in your job-- about how there are always better options out there and nobody should just PUT UP with a bad boss and an unappreciated professional life. This was countered by that realistic someone who recognized that yes- we are well-educated- and yes- it is never good to stay in a bad situation... but REALISTICALLY, it is not always possible to quit your job and find something better while maintaining all of your other responsibilities... like a marriage, a mortgage, and a MLS Repayment Plan... just for example.
But MAN did I love those truly devious examples of tenacity! I could definitely learn something from that popcorn kernel, that pebble in the shoe, that bird outside my window who ALWAYS starts chirping at 4am, regardless of the weather. In fact, it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: "If you think being small makes you ineffectual, you have never been in bed with a mosquito!"
http://community.livejournal.com/library_mofo/799267.html
And it was just so well written that I had to share. I'm also a bit concerned.
I had this boss-- actually, I had four of this boss ALL AT THE SAME TIME...
And... well... it's just so SAD how many of us have had to work for this person at least once in our lifetime. What happened to good management training? What happened to good bosses and work environments that are not full of forced cheer? What happened to job security for the highly educated?!
It's funny-- in the comments there was a discussion about the need to never feel trapped in your job-- about how there are always better options out there and nobody should just PUT UP with a bad boss and an unappreciated professional life. This was countered by that realistic someone who recognized that yes- we are well-educated- and yes- it is never good to stay in a bad situation... but REALISTICALLY, it is not always possible to quit your job and find something better while maintaining all of your other responsibilities... like a marriage, a mortgage, and a MLS Repayment Plan... just for example.
But MAN did I love those truly devious examples of tenacity! I could definitely learn something from that popcorn kernel, that pebble in the shoe, that bird outside my window who ALWAYS starts chirping at 4am, regardless of the weather. In fact, it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: "If you think being small makes you ineffectual, you have never been in bed with a mosquito!"
Monday, March 31
Meh.
I just finished pulling myself out of a slump, and just started actually being productive and proactive in my life again (I only slumped for about a week, but I still felt guilty about it)...
WHEN SUDDENLY
I found out that the one place I'd got an inside track for getting hired hadn't even selected me to go on to the final round of interviews, and has in fact hired someone else to fill the position at this time. (the one in Minnesota) Now, logically, I know I shouldn't expect to get hired for the first job I apply to, and I know I should view the one interview I did have with this University as "practice"... but man, Shoulds SUCK, and so did that bit of news this morning. It would be very easy to drown in a sea of shoulds without even realizing it was the weight of your own inner critic that made your boat unseaworthy in storms.
I'm what you'd call "proactive." So sitting here on my hands, watching life slip by, and feeling useless and pathetic and unemployed-- it's hard on my self-esteem. And my inner critic is having a field day. I know I'm smart. I know I'm intelligent, too. (not the same thing, really)--
and I know I have a lot to offer my future employers, and my future clients/patrons. I just don't know if I'll ever get the opportunity to prove it.
In the meantime, anybody have suggestions for good places 'round here'bouts to advertise my availability as a life coach and tarot reader? 'Cause, man, I could use some positive personal reinforcement in my personal abilities and in my pocket book. I don't even want to curl up and hide from the world anymore-- I want to go out and stranghle it. Or at least go out and prove that all the hard work I've put into turning my life around and starting over and getting my MLS and overcoming all those damn obstacles in the last three years-- was WORTH THE EFFORT, dammit!
And so I say again--
Meh.
WHEN SUDDENLY
I found out that the one place I'd got an inside track for getting hired hadn't even selected me to go on to the final round of interviews, and has in fact hired someone else to fill the position at this time. (the one in Minnesota) Now, logically, I know I shouldn't expect to get hired for the first job I apply to, and I know I should view the one interview I did have with this University as "practice"... but man, Shoulds SUCK, and so did that bit of news this morning. It would be very easy to drown in a sea of shoulds without even realizing it was the weight of your own inner critic that made your boat unseaworthy in storms.
I'm what you'd call "proactive." So sitting here on my hands, watching life slip by, and feeling useless and pathetic and unemployed-- it's hard on my self-esteem. And my inner critic is having a field day. I know I'm smart. I know I'm intelligent, too. (not the same thing, really)--
and I know I have a lot to offer my future employers, and my future clients/patrons. I just don't know if I'll ever get the opportunity to prove it.
In the meantime, anybody have suggestions for good places 'round here'bouts to advertise my availability as a life coach and tarot reader? 'Cause, man, I could use some positive personal reinforcement in my personal abilities and in my pocket book. I don't even want to curl up and hide from the world anymore-- I want to go out and stranghle it. Or at least go out and prove that all the hard work I've put into turning my life around and starting over and getting my MLS and overcoming all those damn obstacles in the last three years-- was WORTH THE EFFORT, dammit!
And so I say again--
Meh.
Sunday, March 9
Sooner Or Later
I've no idea of the tune, or where I heard this song-- but there's a song out there that goes like this: ....everything else, sooner or later, falls apart.... And I can identify with that. There have been times when I even felt that everything I touched fell apart. But I don't feel that right now.
Right now, I'm waiting. And it isn't something I do very gracefully most of the time. In fact, the longer I have to wait, the uglier it gets. I've got some applications out there in the world, somewhere, right now. A few of those have even been acknowledged by the institutions I sent them to, so I know people've RECEIVED MY APPLICATIONS. What I don't know is HOW they received them. I had one telephone interview. It was a learning experience, but I feel that I actually did fairly well. And they told me that the next step would be flying out their top three candidates for face-to-face interviews sometime in the last two weeks of March. And unless they want to end up holding airline bills for thousands of dollars, that means those final three candidates would have to be contacted at least two weeks out-- so... by the beginning of March. Which has now passed. Without my hearing a word. I've also heard nothing from my personal favorite (site unseen) of the places I've applied. Their deadline was February 29th. I know they GOT the application. I thought I had a good strong chance of being interviewed. I'm trying REALLY HARD to believe that they just haven't contacted everyone in their top ten yet. It's only been a week.
I have to say, my patience with the whole situation (and with myself) is starting to wear thin. The good news is that I've put moratoriums on my other commitments (don't know how it happened, but I ended up committed to doing SOMETHING for SOMEONE every day of the week for the past month!) so that I can again be an application-producing machine. I need a job. A really awesome job that I love and that pays the bills (and the loans, with maybe some left over for fun and savings) and.... Well....
I'm also really excited about March. In general, it's a fun month. Spring is popping out everywhere, the birds are ecstatic (and loud), and many of my favorite people have birthdays in March. In addition to this, the Spring Equinox is coming, and along with it-- PaganFaire2008!! In which I have my very own booth. Finally, a place to find good homes for my fabric storytales and my scented lotions and my hand-mixed loose-leaf herbal teas and my home-made medicinal ointments. And, in the process, I might even make back a bit of the money it took for me to make these things and reserve the booth. I tell you, March is a good month!
Did you know that I've been in search of good (and unique) tapered candle holders for something like 18 months now? Not a frantic search, by any means... But of the three I have, two are broken, none are all that sturdy, and all are short and easily found at any local store. But then last week, I was coming out of the bagel store (lunch after volunteering in the Library and before getting my car's first oil change-- they say the gas gauge is never really that accurate, and the problem I'm having might be the breaks, but they'd have to tear the car apart to find out) and for the first time, I noticed a little "antiques and gifts" (read second-hand) store across the parking lot. Now, I don't often go into these because they are often musty and depressing... But on that day, I went right over and wandered in. And found the perfect sturdy hand-blown glass candlestick holders I'd been searching for. They are very unique, they are a gorgeous aqua blue, they have a wide sturdy base, they don't actually need extra goop to hold the candles in place, and the lady agreed to sell them both to me for $10 off the asking price. Which was like a 40% discount, and meant that I didn't have to blow my budget to buy them. I love the month of March!!
In other good news, my latest attempt at an organization system seems to be working fairly well. And I'm nearly done with my ALA Core Books List Update, which really rocks. See, I was asked to update the Reference section of books (all 97 of them, plus any new ones I want to add) for the American Library Association's Women's Studies list of Core Books for any Women's Studies library collection. And I was a lot daunted by the project. I mean, I won't even feel like a real librarian until I get through my first official day of paid work as one! And here I am weeding the REFERENCE LIST that the whole nation uses for their Women's Studies library collections. Good God! But I did it. And I feel good about what I did. Now, we'll just wait and see what everybody else thinks. =)
Sooner or later, everybody has an opinion about something.
Right now, I'm waiting. And it isn't something I do very gracefully most of the time. In fact, the longer I have to wait, the uglier it gets. I've got some applications out there in the world, somewhere, right now. A few of those have even been acknowledged by the institutions I sent them to, so I know people've RECEIVED MY APPLICATIONS. What I don't know is HOW they received them. I had one telephone interview. It was a learning experience, but I feel that I actually did fairly well. And they told me that the next step would be flying out their top three candidates for face-to-face interviews sometime in the last two weeks of March. And unless they want to end up holding airline bills for thousands of dollars, that means those final three candidates would have to be contacted at least two weeks out-- so... by the beginning of March. Which has now passed. Without my hearing a word. I've also heard nothing from my personal favorite (site unseen) of the places I've applied. Their deadline was February 29th. I know they GOT the application. I thought I had a good strong chance of being interviewed. I'm trying REALLY HARD to believe that they just haven't contacted everyone in their top ten yet. It's only been a week.
I have to say, my patience with the whole situation (and with myself) is starting to wear thin. The good news is that I've put moratoriums on my other commitments (don't know how it happened, but I ended up committed to doing SOMETHING for SOMEONE every day of the week for the past month!) so that I can again be an application-producing machine. I need a job. A really awesome job that I love and that pays the bills (and the loans, with maybe some left over for fun and savings) and.... Well....
I'm also really excited about March. In general, it's a fun month. Spring is popping out everywhere, the birds are ecstatic (and loud), and many of my favorite people have birthdays in March. In addition to this, the Spring Equinox is coming, and along with it-- PaganFaire2008!! In which I have my very own booth. Finally, a place to find good homes for my fabric storytales and my scented lotions and my hand-mixed loose-leaf herbal teas and my home-made medicinal ointments. And, in the process, I might even make back a bit of the money it took for me to make these things and reserve the booth. I tell you, March is a good month!
Did you know that I've been in search of good (and unique) tapered candle holders for something like 18 months now? Not a frantic search, by any means... But of the three I have, two are broken, none are all that sturdy, and all are short and easily found at any local store. But then last week, I was coming out of the bagel store (lunch after volunteering in the Library and before getting my car's first oil change-- they say the gas gauge is never really that accurate, and the problem I'm having might be the breaks, but they'd have to tear the car apart to find out) and for the first time, I noticed a little "antiques and gifts" (read second-hand) store across the parking lot. Now, I don't often go into these because they are often musty and depressing... But on that day, I went right over and wandered in. And found the perfect sturdy hand-blown glass candlestick holders I'd been searching for. They are very unique, they are a gorgeous aqua blue, they have a wide sturdy base, they don't actually need extra goop to hold the candles in place, and the lady agreed to sell them both to me for $10 off the asking price. Which was like a 40% discount, and meant that I didn't have to blow my budget to buy them. I love the month of March!!
In other good news, my latest attempt at an organization system seems to be working fairly well. And I'm nearly done with my ALA Core Books List Update, which really rocks. See, I was asked to update the Reference section of books (all 97 of them, plus any new ones I want to add) for the American Library Association's Women's Studies list of Core Books for any Women's Studies library collection. And I was a lot daunted by the project. I mean, I won't even feel like a real librarian until I get through my first official day of paid work as one! And here I am weeding the REFERENCE LIST that the whole nation uses for their Women's Studies library collections. Good God! But I did it. And I feel good about what I did. Now, we'll just wait and see what everybody else thinks. =)
Sooner or later, everybody has an opinion about something.
Tuesday, February 5
Without Wireless
Have you ever tried going without the internet for more than a day or two? I mean really-- no googlemaps to help you find the closest ATM or the nearest organic food market or Great Aunt Mabel's house since her directions were crap. No checking email, no blogging, no reading other peoples' blogs, no searching for jobs online, no searching for love online, no searching for a great deal online, no u-tube...
I mean, public libraries are great. They give you somewhere between 30 minutes and a whole hour of online time every day-- if you want to go to the library every day and do your work (and your confidential banking) on a public computer, in small chunks, if their software is compatible with what you need to get done.
So... my DSL was disconnected two weeks ago on Tuesday. And I ended up moving on that Friday. And on Sunday, we discovered that my lovely well-loved lovable computer HAD NO AIRPORT/WI-FI CARD IN IT.... so we ordered one. And it arrived on Saturday. On Sunday, we guessed at WEP passwords until the signal was established... and then rather than finally being off and running... we couldn't find any servers. WTF?
So today, we (this is the Royal We, by the way) called Customer Service. And discovered another more complex password. Which gave us BOTH a signal AND server access. I love technology. I love it even more when I have access to it.
Oh, and by the way, I love my new space. Even though I'll only be staying a couple of months. Happy February.
I mean, public libraries are great. They give you somewhere between 30 minutes and a whole hour of online time every day-- if you want to go to the library every day and do your work (and your confidential banking) on a public computer, in small chunks, if their software is compatible with what you need to get done.
So... my DSL was disconnected two weeks ago on Tuesday. And I ended up moving on that Friday. And on Sunday, we discovered that my lovely well-loved lovable computer HAD NO AIRPORT/WI-FI CARD IN IT.... so we ordered one. And it arrived on Saturday. On Sunday, we guessed at WEP passwords until the signal was established... and then rather than finally being off and running... we couldn't find any servers. WTF?
So today, we (this is the Royal We, by the way) called Customer Service. And discovered another more complex password. Which gave us BOTH a signal AND server access. I love technology. I love it even more when I have access to it.
Oh, and by the way, I love my new space. Even though I'll only be staying a couple of months. Happy February.
Thursday, January 3
Easier in an Email
...Plus it is WAY past your bedtime, and you need your sleep.
An open letter... with lots of intended recipients...
(partly because it was so cathartic to write... and partly because I realized that I owed this explanation to a lot more people than received the original email...)
Getting mad because you were offering me a suggestion about being more productive in my job hunt made me stop and think tonight. I really don't want us butting heads. I can't think of much worse that could happen, actually, for me. Not that we always have to agree, but more that you are such an important friend, and that your advice is nearly always worth listening to. The fact that I was so self-absorbed in doing things MY WAY made me wonder what exactly I was feeling so defensive ABOUT!
So... I finally realized just how NOT WELL I'm dealing with my responsibilities lately. And I suspect that any suggestions you have offered lately probably HAVE been met with grumpy resistance on my part. I wanted to apologize for that. It means a lot to me that you are always there to cheer me on-- even when I'm too stubborn and too overwhelmed to appreciate it. So... I'm going to try and be a little less self-absorbed, and a little more self-aware, and maybe be a better friend for you, too. I know you could use a good friend right now, and I haven't felt like I was really helping you much lately. You're important to me.
But, back to me. My favorite subject lately, even when you've had more important problems to discuss.
I think I'm just really afraid of the future right now. And this whole not knowing whether I'll find a job to go to or if I can really honestly support myself financially, and having to put most of my stuff in storage again-- it's all normal and fine, and it'll probably turn out okay, I know.
But it also all is very similar to the situation I was in when I moved out of my ex's apartment two years ago. Right down to the time of year. I don't have an angry, hurt husband this time-- and I think I've got more stuff, if that's possible. But I'm hoping that now I realize why I've been so paralyzed by the situations I'm currently facing, and why I've had SO MUCH fear in relation to this move and job-hunt... It's really been paralyzing. Maybe I can move forward a little better, now. Because while I know it's irrational... it's still THERE, you know?
...and maybe recognizing it will help me stop dreaming about vampires every night...
I don't know that I'll be any better about taking suggestions for a while-- I'm already so afraid of failure that sometimes I hear a desire to help as more criticism. Sad, but true. But as of February, I've decided to stop nannying. Two final days in Feb, and that's it. I'm hoping that one huge stress off my back will help me be more productive in searching for career-oriented jobs and doing what's best for me instead of doing what's easiest, the way I have done lately. Also, I'm hoping I'll have more energy to be there for you. I'm going to try not to use any more lame excuses about why I'm where I am in my job-hunt, or complain as much, either.
It's hard to admit I'm not doing everything I could be doing to improve my own situation, especial to people whose good opinion I care about as much as I do yours. So... I could be applying for more jobs than I have done so far. Three job apps in three months isn't a great average. But I have a plan for that, now. I could also spend less time reading books or watching movies or puttering around in my apartment... and have a lot more time to get the things on my list accomplished. Maybe having access to less stuff will help with that, once I move.
But mostly, I realized that I'm so tired from worrying and tired from feeling like I'm NOT meeting anybody's expectations (especially my own) and tired from getting over all the emotional shit that comes with a divorce and a graduate program and a big debt load and a new career and a new life and a new home (or two or three).... It isn't easy to face doing something new or difficult when I'm always drained. And these things just take time to work through. I should know-- I've been working through these same things for two years now. (but not the vampire dreams-- those started right after Christmas...) I probably need to sit back and recognize just how much I HAVE accomplished in the last two years, and just how far I've actually come emotionally. That might help... Anyway-
I'm going to do it. I'll get a good job, get by until then on the money I have saved up, get moved, get my shgit together, get over it... But I sorta wanted to explain to you what's going on with me lately. You may already know it, or maybe I did my whole "hide the problems" thing again, or maybe I just haven't called you in a few months-- I really don't know. Hence the long email. And the apology.
p.s.
I also finally figured out that my downstairs neighbor has been smoking at night, and that's why my allergies and my sleep are so bad all the time here. So maybe moving out will also help with some of my stress.
Glad to have you in my life. Just wanted to say that in case I haven't been acting that way lately.
-Me.
An open letter... with lots of intended recipients...
(partly because it was so cathartic to write... and partly because I realized that I owed this explanation to a lot more people than received the original email...)
Getting mad because you were offering me a suggestion about being more productive in my job hunt made me stop and think tonight. I really don't want us butting heads. I can't think of much worse that could happen, actually, for me. Not that we always have to agree, but more that you are such an important friend, and that your advice is nearly always worth listening to. The fact that I was so self-absorbed in doing things MY WAY made me wonder what exactly I was feeling so defensive ABOUT!
So... I finally realized just how NOT WELL I'm dealing with my responsibilities lately. And I suspect that any suggestions you have offered lately probably HAVE been met with grumpy resistance on my part. I wanted to apologize for that. It means a lot to me that you are always there to cheer me on-- even when I'm too stubborn and too overwhelmed to appreciate it. So... I'm going to try and be a little less self-absorbed, and a little more self-aware, and maybe be a better friend for you, too. I know you could use a good friend right now, and I haven't felt like I was really helping you much lately. You're important to me.
But, back to me. My favorite subject lately, even when you've had more important problems to discuss.
I think I'm just really afraid of the future right now. And this whole not knowing whether I'll find a job to go to or if I can really honestly support myself financially, and having to put most of my stuff in storage again-- it's all normal and fine, and it'll probably turn out okay, I know.
But it also all is very similar to the situation I was in when I moved out of my ex's apartment two years ago. Right down to the time of year. I don't have an angry, hurt husband this time-- and I think I've got more stuff, if that's possible. But I'm hoping that now I realize why I've been so paralyzed by the situations I'm currently facing, and why I've had SO MUCH fear in relation to this move and job-hunt... It's really been paralyzing. Maybe I can move forward a little better, now. Because while I know it's irrational... it's still THERE, you know?
...and maybe recognizing it will help me stop dreaming about vampires every night...
I don't know that I'll be any better about taking suggestions for a while-- I'm already so afraid of failure that sometimes I hear a desire to help as more criticism. Sad, but true. But as of February, I've decided to stop nannying. Two final days in Feb, and that's it. I'm hoping that one huge stress off my back will help me be more productive in searching for career-oriented jobs and doing what's best for me instead of doing what's easiest, the way I have done lately. Also, I'm hoping I'll have more energy to be there for you. I'm going to try not to use any more lame excuses about why I'm where I am in my job-hunt, or complain as much, either.
It's hard to admit I'm not doing everything I could be doing to improve my own situation, especial to people whose good opinion I care about as much as I do yours. So... I could be applying for more jobs than I have done so far. Three job apps in three months isn't a great average. But I have a plan for that, now. I could also spend less time reading books or watching movies or puttering around in my apartment... and have a lot more time to get the things on my list accomplished. Maybe having access to less stuff will help with that, once I move.
But mostly, I realized that I'm so tired from worrying and tired from feeling like I'm NOT meeting anybody's expectations (especially my own) and tired from getting over all the emotional shit that comes with a divorce and a graduate program and a big debt load and a new career and a new life and a new home (or two or three).... It isn't easy to face doing something new or difficult when I'm always drained. And these things just take time to work through. I should know-- I've been working through these same things for two years now. (but not the vampire dreams-- those started right after Christmas...) I probably need to sit back and recognize just how much I HAVE accomplished in the last two years, and just how far I've actually come emotionally. That might help... Anyway-
I'm going to do it. I'll get a good job, get by until then on the money I have saved up, get moved, get my shgit together, get over it... But I sorta wanted to explain to you what's going on with me lately. You may already know it, or maybe I did my whole "hide the problems" thing again, or maybe I just haven't called you in a few months-- I really don't know. Hence the long email. And the apology.
p.s.
I also finally figured out that my downstairs neighbor has been smoking at night, and that's why my allergies and my sleep are so bad all the time here. So maybe moving out will also help with some of my stress.
Glad to have you in my life. Just wanted to say that in case I haven't been acting that way lately.
-Me.
Wednesday, December 5
Dog Days of Winter
A snapshot of my day:
6am
Mrrrrt? ....Mrrrowwwrrr?
THUMP!
...Mrrrr?
6:45am
Something is staring at me. I can feel it, and it wakes me out of a dead and desperate last half-hour of sleep before the alarm goes off.
...oh. It's my cat. She wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep, so she came over to find out. Guess I'm awake now.
8:10am
Shgit! I turned off the alarm, and actually went back to sleep! With the cat!
9am
I call in to my internship to let them know I'm going to be late. This head cold is really slowing me down, and that extra hour of sleep didn't really help much. I can't call in to the library because it doesn't open until 10am. I email my supervisor. I take an expectorant because my ribs hurt from coughing, and this is supposed to help the coughs do their thing more easily.
10am
Yet another reason to demand truth in advertising. I have not stopped gut-wrenching coughing since I took the dagmn expectorant. I can't see straight to find my keys let alone drive to my internship. Guess I'll be later than I thought. (B-HH-HH-HH-CH-HH-*gasp .... cough-cough... BHHH-TOOOHHHH-HHHH-*gasp... blow nose, feel head pound, wait for next big coughing fit to-- BHH-TOOOHHHH-cough-HHHHH)... I think I just gave myself a nose bleed.
11am
Grab 2 skeins of yarn to return to store, along with receipt. Put cell phone in purse. Put on Volunteer Badge. Grab lunch leftovers. Grab warm coat. Grab list of Practicum Goals from start of semester. Grab cat as she slides out the door. Start driving to internship. Dog in road. Lean black dog with collar and mange. Dog looks both ways, crosses in front of me since I've stopped. Dog gets out of road, I drive on.
11:30am
I arrive at my internship. I finish up a few final projects for various librarians. I get some interview advice. I look over my original goals and see what really happened here...
12:30pm
I leave for another local library branch, where we are having our monthly Youth Services Meeting. I realize that I've forgotten my purse. At home.
3:30pm
My coughing is so bad again that I leave the meeting early. I decide to head home for cough medicine and my purse, and then jet back to the library for the last hour of my internship.
4:15pm
Traffic is bad, too. And there's another dog in the road. Same road. I stop for it. A dalmatian this time, also with a collar (but no mange). This dog is stupid, but nice. It trots down the road in front of me. It stays in my lane. It makes good time. I put on my blinkers and roll along behind it. Someone in a parking lot sees the dog. It's her dog. She comes across the road to get the dog. The dog lets itself get got. I start driving again, and I turn off my blinkers.
4:30pm
I'm not going to make it back for that last hour of my internship, I might as well stay home. (cough, hack, wheeze, moan) Oh, look. Here's my purse. Hanging from it's hook as usual. At home.
...Mrrow?
6am
Mrrrrt? ....Mrrrowwwrrr?
THUMP!
...Mrrrr?
6:45am
Something is staring at me. I can feel it, and it wakes me out of a dead and desperate last half-hour of sleep before the alarm goes off.
...oh. It's my cat. She wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep, so she came over to find out. Guess I'm awake now.
8:10am
Shgit! I turned off the alarm, and actually went back to sleep! With the cat!
9am
I call in to my internship to let them know I'm going to be late. This head cold is really slowing me down, and that extra hour of sleep didn't really help much. I can't call in to the library because it doesn't open until 10am. I email my supervisor. I take an expectorant because my ribs hurt from coughing, and this is supposed to help the coughs do their thing more easily.
10am
Yet another reason to demand truth in advertising. I have not stopped gut-wrenching coughing since I took the dagmn expectorant. I can't see straight to find my keys let alone drive to my internship. Guess I'll be later than I thought. (B-HH-HH-HH-CH-HH-*gasp .... cough-cough... BHHH-TOOOHHHH-HHHH-*gasp... blow nose, feel head pound, wait for next big coughing fit to-- BHH-TOOOHHHH-cough-HHHHH)... I think I just gave myself a nose bleed.
11am
Grab 2 skeins of yarn to return to store, along with receipt. Put cell phone in purse. Put on Volunteer Badge. Grab lunch leftovers. Grab warm coat. Grab list of Practicum Goals from start of semester. Grab cat as she slides out the door. Start driving to internship. Dog in road. Lean black dog with collar and mange. Dog looks both ways, crosses in front of me since I've stopped. Dog gets out of road, I drive on.
11:30am
I arrive at my internship. I finish up a few final projects for various librarians. I get some interview advice. I look over my original goals and see what really happened here...
12:30pm
I leave for another local library branch, where we are having our monthly Youth Services Meeting. I realize that I've forgotten my purse. At home.
3:30pm
My coughing is so bad again that I leave the meeting early. I decide to head home for cough medicine and my purse, and then jet back to the library for the last hour of my internship.
4:15pm
Traffic is bad, too. And there's another dog in the road. Same road. I stop for it. A dalmatian this time, also with a collar (but no mange). This dog is stupid, but nice. It trots down the road in front of me. It stays in my lane. It makes good time. I put on my blinkers and roll along behind it. Someone in a parking lot sees the dog. It's her dog. She comes across the road to get the dog. The dog lets itself get got. I start driving again, and I turn off my blinkers.
4:30pm
I'm not going to make it back for that last hour of my internship, I might as well stay home. (cough, hack, wheeze, moan) Oh, look. Here's my purse. Hanging from it's hook as usual. At home.
...Mrrow?
Sunday, September 9
XHTML OMG
Did I mention that school has started again? It has.
I'm taking a Web Design class for librarians with little or no knowledge of web design.
In week one, we read about the history of code languages, up through XML rules and the subsequent creation of XHTML 1.0. In brief. And I managed to miss the section where she described the assignment for the week. Now, it's week two. And I'm already behind because of last week's mistake. Great.
This week? The assignment is to create our first page on our website and turn in the code string, and the url, so the prof can see what it's supposed to look like (on the url), and how we made it look that way. Oh, and a list of elements/information we want on the page.
I am so fugcked.
I'm taking a Web Design class for librarians with little or no knowledge of web design.
In week one, we read about the history of code languages, up through XML rules and the subsequent creation of XHTML 1.0. In brief. And I managed to miss the section where she described the assignment for the week. Now, it's week two. And I'm already behind because of last week's mistake. Great.
This week? The assignment is to create our first page on our website and turn in the code string, and the url, so the prof can see what it's supposed to look like (on the url), and how we made it look that way. Oh, and a list of elements/information we want on the page.
I am so fugcked.
Monday, September 3
Not So Mature
Anybody have a cure for favorite jeans growing too tight? Besides buying new ones or getting on some weird diet? Anybody?
... sigh ...
Well... I think I'm due for a trip to Ross, Deja Vu, and the gym.
See, I had two pairs of "I love you" jeans, and two pairs of "fits well and looks fine." I've had them for a good three or four years-- and they were used when I got them. Now, I have three pairs of "I tried to buy new ones that fit but they shrank in the wash," and one pair of "oh, these are perfect!" And all my old favorites that I finally admitted you can SEE they are getting too small, and in one case indecently full of holes, too. I finally decided that I'd rather look good now than walk around remembering how good I used to look in these jeans, and pulling down the pant legs all the time because they got stuck.
And as my pants shrink, my desire to start that healthy go-to-the-gym-three-times-a-week regiment is sounding better and better. I know I should. It's just hard to find a regular time, or well... anytime that I'd rather be working out than doing what I already have planned.
And no-- I don't think I'm fat or overweight or anything. I do think I'm out of shape, and changing shape, and FOR MY SIZE it would be good not to gain any more of a muffin-top than I already have in the past six months. And I learned a long time ago that there is a huge difference between being skinny, and being healthy. I want to move down to the HEALTHY end of things. I also want to find some jeans that fit well, don't get too small when I wash them, don't gape so big at the rear when I bend over that you could hide your lunch in the waist band, and that don't stretch so much over the course of a day that I can take them off without unzipping at bedtime. I'd also like them to not get stuck on my legs when I crouch down and be easy to button/zip closed. Honestly, I've been looking. For a couple of months now. Good jeans are hard to find.
I've concluded that they may in fact be HARDER to find than a good man. But just to be safe, I'm still testing that theory. I also suspect that my increased pant-size is due in large part to the fact that I no longer live in fear, and no longer work in a fearfully nasty office. I don't worry off the weight anymore, if you know what I mean. Or maybe it's because I'm nearing thirty, and bodies change... Humph.
... sigh ...
Well... I think I'm due for a trip to Ross, Deja Vu, and the gym.
See, I had two pairs of "I love you" jeans, and two pairs of "fits well and looks fine." I've had them for a good three or four years-- and they were used when I got them. Now, I have three pairs of "I tried to buy new ones that fit but they shrank in the wash," and one pair of "oh, these are perfect!" And all my old favorites that I finally admitted you can SEE they are getting too small, and in one case indecently full of holes, too. I finally decided that I'd rather look good now than walk around remembering how good I used to look in these jeans, and pulling down the pant legs all the time because they got stuck.
And as my pants shrink, my desire to start that healthy go-to-the-gym-three-times-a-week regiment is sounding better and better. I know I should. It's just hard to find a regular time, or well... anytime that I'd rather be working out than doing what I already have planned.
And no-- I don't think I'm fat or overweight or anything. I do think I'm out of shape, and changing shape, and FOR MY SIZE it would be good not to gain any more of a muffin-top than I already have in the past six months. And I learned a long time ago that there is a huge difference between being skinny, and being healthy. I want to move down to the HEALTHY end of things. I also want to find some jeans that fit well, don't get too small when I wash them, don't gape so big at the rear when I bend over that you could hide your lunch in the waist band, and that don't stretch so much over the course of a day that I can take them off without unzipping at bedtime. I'd also like them to not get stuck on my legs when I crouch down and be easy to button/zip closed. Honestly, I've been looking. For a couple of months now. Good jeans are hard to find.
I've concluded that they may in fact be HARDER to find than a good man. But just to be safe, I'm still testing that theory. I also suspect that my increased pant-size is due in large part to the fact that I no longer live in fear, and no longer work in a fearfully nasty office. I don't worry off the weight anymore, if you know what I mean. Or maybe it's because I'm nearing thirty, and bodies change... Humph.
Monday, August 20
Bose Bwahahaha
Just in case you were wondering, I promised myself a Bose Stereo if I got all A's in my classes this summer. A truly difficult task because I had that one professor again, for a class with little redeeming value, and lots of quizzes-- and because it was Summermester. As you know, this is when they cram a whole 4-month semester class into the 8 weeks of summer.
Just in case you were wondering, I suffered. Not "my dad died of small pox and I had to take over the farm for my younger brothers, and we didn't have enough to eat because it was the depression" suffered, but ... it was Not Fun. And I didn't have many get-togethers with my friends this summer either, and I felt like a not-good-friend about it, but there is only so much time in a week, and mine was packed.
Just in case you were wondering-- I'll be buying my stereo just as soon as the financial aid check that I was supposed to live off of this summer arrives in September. My grin of mad satisfaction is so big, I look like the Cheshire Cat. I'm even wearing pants with purple stripes in them. =D bbbboooooosssssseeeee.... mmmmmm ...I'm also going to ask my dad to turn all my favorite old tapes into CDs so I can listen to them-- I haven't had a way to play them in about three years. Oh... well, except for in my car-- and I never thought of that. Whoops. Ok. Well. Ahem-- anyway, they'll be much more user-friendly on CD. Yeah.
(in case you were wondering-- the 3BT are the two A's, and the stereo. Also, I'm really looking forward to having more time with my friends again-- and to having that financial aid check finally!-- it feels just like Christmas. Speaking of which, I'm proud to brag that I have now purchased five christmas gifts, and I even know who most of them are for!)
Just in case you were wondering, I suffered. Not "my dad died of small pox and I had to take over the farm for my younger brothers, and we didn't have enough to eat because it was the depression" suffered, but ... it was Not Fun. And I didn't have many get-togethers with my friends this summer either, and I felt like a not-good-friend about it, but there is only so much time in a week, and mine was packed.
Just in case you were wondering-- I'll be buying my stereo just as soon as the financial aid check that I was supposed to live off of this summer arrives in September. My grin of mad satisfaction is so big, I look like the Cheshire Cat. I'm even wearing pants with purple stripes in them. =D bbbboooooosssssseeeee.... mmmmmm ...I'm also going to ask my dad to turn all my favorite old tapes into CDs so I can listen to them-- I haven't had a way to play them in about three years. Oh... well, except for in my car-- and I never thought of that. Whoops. Ok. Well. Ahem-- anyway, they'll be much more user-friendly on CD. Yeah.
(in case you were wondering-- the 3BT are the two A's, and the stereo. Also, I'm really looking forward to having more time with my friends again-- and to having that financial aid check finally!-- it feels just like Christmas. Speaking of which, I'm proud to brag that I have now purchased five christmas gifts, and I even know who most of them are for!)
Monday, August 6
Fiddy and Fried
Yesterday, I wrote a 55 page paper. Well, I wrote a 40 page paper, plus 15 pages that each listed a single reference source-- the same source-- 15 times. (I really do not understand my Management professor.) Yesterday, I also discovered the absolute best most perfect way to appreciate my bed.
You know, sometimes I'm not really excited about going to bed. There are too many wonderful books and cool movies and good friends that I want to spend my time on instead-- and of course, the cat must be petted. And then there are the times when I'm not able to sleep or the bed is too lumpy or too hot or too cold or the sheets are wrinkled... and I'm just not really very appreciative of my bed.
But yesterday... or rather, this morning, I figured it out. First, stare at a computer screen from 10am until 3am, with a few short breaks for eating and other necessities. Your eyes will be so bugged out and tired that the dark is a soothing relief. By 3am, you will no longer be sure how to string words together into sentences, or you will forget that the sentence needs to END, and will just string all your thoughts together in one long long long sentence that never ends and gets kinda messy and really fairly pointless. And you'll be tired of holding up your head, tired of sitting at the desk. Tired of leaning forward on the one arm to read the screen better because your eyes got fuzzy around 4pm, and eyes don't get a second wind.
Then, you go to bed. And bed feels like some luxurious palace where nothing has to move and nothing has to bear weight, and it is SOFT and COOL and DARK and QUIET and SUPPORTIVE and there is NO GUILT INVOLVED... Man-- I tell you, going to bed this morning felt better than sex.
Of course... the alarm went off at 7:30. And the phone started beeping at 9. And the cat decided that 10am was really quite late enough, thank you. And I gave up even pretending to sleep by about 10:30... I mean, after all, I still have another paper to write today. Sigh... I miss my bed.
You know, sometimes I'm not really excited about going to bed. There are too many wonderful books and cool movies and good friends that I want to spend my time on instead-- and of course, the cat must be petted. And then there are the times when I'm not able to sleep or the bed is too lumpy or too hot or too cold or the sheets are wrinkled... and I'm just not really very appreciative of my bed.
But yesterday... or rather, this morning, I figured it out. First, stare at a computer screen from 10am until 3am, with a few short breaks for eating and other necessities. Your eyes will be so bugged out and tired that the dark is a soothing relief. By 3am, you will no longer be sure how to string words together into sentences, or you will forget that the sentence needs to END, and will just string all your thoughts together in one long long long sentence that never ends and gets kinda messy and really fairly pointless. And you'll be tired of holding up your head, tired of sitting at the desk. Tired of leaning forward on the one arm to read the screen better because your eyes got fuzzy around 4pm, and eyes don't get a second wind.
Then, you go to bed. And bed feels like some luxurious palace where nothing has to move and nothing has to bear weight, and it is SOFT and COOL and DARK and QUIET and SUPPORTIVE and there is NO GUILT INVOLVED... Man-- I tell you, going to bed this morning felt better than sex.
Of course... the alarm went off at 7:30. And the phone started beeping at 9. And the cat decided that 10am was really quite late enough, thank you. And I gave up even pretending to sleep by about 10:30... I mean, after all, I still have another paper to write today. Sigh... I miss my bed.
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