There has been on-and-off construction on the house next door, and specifically on the roof-patio that looks into my bedroom windows, since I moved in. And apparently, for two years prior to that as well. Now that house, and the one on the other side (ten feet to the right, if you include the upstairs hallway) both have little 2-year-old boys living in them. Bang Bang Bang.
Actually, I was originally going to call this post "In With A Bang," and then I was going to talk all about the Fourth of July, and the total lack of relationship between today's fireworks parties and any sort of leftover patriogtism about the colonists's war with the British. Except, of course, for the fact that everyone was probably drunk and stogned at the signing of the Declaration of Independence (History Channel), and so were most of the fireworks partiers we encountered on Saturday. But seeing as how this is already the 6th, what happened two days and over two hundred years ago... Well it just seems like old news.
SO... to sum up... Humperdink gonna marry Buttercup in a littlelessan khalph-an-hour. And GB and I went downtown and watched the big fireworks display from the bridge, with 50,000 of our closest friends. It was very cool. Bang Bang Bang.
And then the insurance claims dude came to look at GB's bike this morning, and declared it totaled. Which shocked the hell out of everyone, because there's basically some scratching, a dent in the gas tank, and maybe the handlebars are bent crooked, and some lights and a mirror snapped off... but other than that, she was just fine! Wait... when you put it like that... there doesn't seem to be much left undamaged besides the engine. Huh.
Anyway, GB first introduced me to his motorcycle soon after we started dating. "Innt she beauuuuutiful??" So for him to think of trashing her for the insurance money... well, I suspect it feels a bit like a cold-blooded murder. So as soon as the insurance claims dude left, GB called me up, totally upset that the most logical option seems to be agreeing that his baby is totaled, and letting the cold-hearted insurance robots drag her away. Because the truth is that he was just planning to fix her up and sell her anyway. But going against all his carefully organized manly reasoning and well-thought-out acknowledgment of the financial reality, he just doesn't FEEL LOGICAL about it. And in the background, I could hear his fist on the desk... Bang Bang Bang.
There were three other serious examples of "bang bang bang" in my world today, but one was the sound of my head hitting my desk, one is the way Abbigale's sneezes keep getting louder and closer together, and the other was this new and bizarre "Rule of Three" that the nurse practitioner told me about at Planned Parenthood. Somebody should have told me that a long time ago, thank you very much. And honestly, I just don't want to talk about any of them at the moment. Sorry. Bang Bang Bang.
Showing posts with label Wait for It.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wait for It.... Show all posts
Monday, July 6
Tuesday, June 23
Responsobiligity
When I was a little girl, my mom taught me to ignore the annoying kids in my class, and maybe then they'd get bored and go away. As a strategy, it worked fairly well. Certainly, the parents and teachers loved my "adult approach" to problems.
By the time I was in third grade, I was such a good little two-shoes that the teacher, Mrs. Z, put me in the seat between two of the most disruptive goof-offs in class. Both named Aaron. Problem was that they were funny and interesting, and the conversations that went on behind my head weren't always that easy to ignore. I tell you, bad boys just have more fun.
But when they had conversations of which I did NOT approve, boy-howdy did I put a lid on it fast! My "oh, no you DON'T" stare was cold, direct (A quick flick of my head sideways to meet Aaron's eyes for half a second, just long enough to raise one eyebrow menacingly, and then full focus back on the teacher at the front of the room. Just like that.), and uncompromising. Sometimes it even worked. But I rarely said a word. Good kids didn't talk when the teacher was talking. And I knew I'd been placed in that situation to ignore the boys into good behavior.
In sixth grade, a boy with a really tough life figured he could out-annoy my tactic of "ignore and avoid." And eventually, he was right. I caught the attention of a teacher and explained the challenge I was having with locker-access between classes, since JO was always there to slam the locker shut for me again. When the teacher explained to JO that his homeroom teacher was my dad... Well, he left me alone after that. And I continued to ignore him.
In eighth grade, a different boy went straight from annoy to abuse. And no matter how hard I ignored him, I still went home from school every day with extra bruises. Eventually I again approached a teacher for help. This time it took a while, but eventually the kid's parents decided it was in his best interests to pretend I didn't exist, and I was allowed to get on with my life. We both worked hard to ignore and avoid each other for the whole four years of high school, where we both played violin in Orchestra class every day.
My first serious boyfriend was in high school... And he often forgot to show up for our planned dates and get-togethers and such. He often ignored my phone calls, too. I worked very hard to ignore the things I didn't like in our relationship because I wanted to succeed with him the same way I'd learned to succeed in school as a little girl. His other girlfriend-- when I found out about her-- was a bit harder to overlook. So I decided to ignore them both.
Add six years, a different guy, a wedding... and you have my marriage. In which I learned to ignore my own needs, my feelings, and my right to be treated with respect. Because that was the only way my marriage was peaceful. That was the only way my marriage was going to succeed. And I didn't want to be the bad guy. Ignore the annoyance-- the way the boy in the seat next to you is goofing off and making bad choices in his life and generally distracting you from your work and your goals-- and it'll stop. Right?
So here I am. Knowing already that I am not Cinderella (see previous post)... And I am facing the fact (again) that my most-used coping mechanism for things that bother/annoy/frustrate me... is to ignore them, and hope they go away. Some life skill. It didn't work in my marriage. It sure isn't working on my financial and job woes. Or on my cat's arthritis, come to that. And it's all gotten a bit over my head, really... But the thing I just tripped over is the realization that there's no teacher to go to for help on this one... And the last few teachers (or counselors, or Argmy Commanders) I went to weren't always that helpful in the situation anyway.
So now I'm thinking--
Maybe we should teach little girls Aikido or Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, and encourage them to confront life's frustrations HEAD-F*ING-ON!! Because we sure aren't doing them any favors by training them to believe that being nice and pretending the problem doesn't exist will make everything in their life okay.
I'm just saying is all...
By the time I was in third grade, I was such a good little two-shoes that the teacher, Mrs. Z, put me in the seat between two of the most disruptive goof-offs in class. Both named Aaron. Problem was that they were funny and interesting, and the conversations that went on behind my head weren't always that easy to ignore. I tell you, bad boys just have more fun.
But when they had conversations of which I did NOT approve, boy-howdy did I put a lid on it fast! My "oh, no you DON'T" stare was cold, direct (A quick flick of my head sideways to meet Aaron's eyes for half a second, just long enough to raise one eyebrow menacingly, and then full focus back on the teacher at the front of the room. Just like that.), and uncompromising. Sometimes it even worked. But I rarely said a word. Good kids didn't talk when the teacher was talking. And I knew I'd been placed in that situation to ignore the boys into good behavior.
In sixth grade, a boy with a really tough life figured he could out-annoy my tactic of "ignore and avoid." And eventually, he was right. I caught the attention of a teacher and explained the challenge I was having with locker-access between classes, since JO was always there to slam the locker shut for me again. When the teacher explained to JO that his homeroom teacher was my dad... Well, he left me alone after that. And I continued to ignore him.
In eighth grade, a different boy went straight from annoy to abuse. And no matter how hard I ignored him, I still went home from school every day with extra bruises. Eventually I again approached a teacher for help. This time it took a while, but eventually the kid's parents decided it was in his best interests to pretend I didn't exist, and I was allowed to get on with my life. We both worked hard to ignore and avoid each other for the whole four years of high school, where we both played violin in Orchestra class every day.
My first serious boyfriend was in high school... And he often forgot to show up for our planned dates and get-togethers and such. He often ignored my phone calls, too. I worked very hard to ignore the things I didn't like in our relationship because I wanted to succeed with him the same way I'd learned to succeed in school as a little girl. His other girlfriend-- when I found out about her-- was a bit harder to overlook. So I decided to ignore them both.
Add six years, a different guy, a wedding... and you have my marriage. In which I learned to ignore my own needs, my feelings, and my right to be treated with respect. Because that was the only way my marriage was peaceful. That was the only way my marriage was going to succeed. And I didn't want to be the bad guy. Ignore the annoyance-- the way the boy in the seat next to you is goofing off and making bad choices in his life and generally distracting you from your work and your goals-- and it'll stop. Right?
So here I am. Knowing already that I am not Cinderella (see previous post)... And I am facing the fact (again) that my most-used coping mechanism for things that bother/annoy/frustrate me... is to ignore them, and hope they go away. Some life skill. It didn't work in my marriage. It sure isn't working on my financial and job woes. Or on my cat's arthritis, come to that. And it's all gotten a bit over my head, really... But the thing I just tripped over is the realization that there's no teacher to go to for help on this one... And the last few teachers (or counselors, or Argmy Commanders) I went to weren't always that helpful in the situation anyway.
So now I'm thinking--
Maybe we should teach little girls Aikido or Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, and encourage them to confront life's frustrations HEAD-F*ING-ON!! Because we sure aren't doing them any favors by training them to believe that being nice and pretending the problem doesn't exist will make everything in their life okay.
I'm just saying is all...
Monday, August 25
ReconFiguring
I just love when I come up with a catchy title!!
Had an appointment to go play this morning-- wanted to have a good handle on where I'm at and how I feel about it before I went. About once every two months, I get together with the kids I used to nanny, and their mom, for a morning of activities that really take two attentive adults to pull off. This time, it was a HUGE PLAY STRUCTURE FORT THING with about six slides, lots of twisty turns, climbing opportunities, ropes, tunnels, ladders, HOLY CRAP this thing was cool!! OH-- and a nice swing set on the side. With two children under the age of four, you really do need an adult for each of them. Just to make sure they do okay on the stairs.
Mom always asks how my life is. Great people-- and I love catching up with the whole family whenever we can coordinate our schedules. But there it is. I chose to stop working for them. Eight months ago when I really put my job search into high gear. How is my life doing, now, really??
So I thought through it. I realized that if I'd actually gotten any of those distant library jobs, I would never have met the awesome group of folks who make up my primary social network just now. I would never have gotten into acupuncture (or... I don't THINK I would have...) and started healing my old neck injury. I would never have (again-- speculation) realized just how gifted a listener I can sometimes be... or turned it into my own business practice. I really thought I'd have to wait a few decades to put that aspiration into practice. BUT HERE I AM!!! And the biggest "oh. Hey!" of all? I would not still be around to recognize and cope with certain nameless family illnesses.
With all that in mind, I'm really glad that things have worked out the way they did. Granted, I'd now like to get a reliable source of income... but the awesome thing is that my perspective and knowledge of what that job might look like has expanded considerably, just in the last month. It may even be possible that more than one job exists out there that would benefit from MANY different aspects of my life experience, education, and training to date. And some of those jobs actually pay enough that I could live far far away, and fly home five or six times a year, without hocking my cat for collateral on a loan. I've been doing a bit of recon on that one...
Take Account Coordinating, for example. Here's a general job description:
Coordinates new and existing accounts, focusing on client satisfaction, revenue optimization, and account growth. Communicates with clients on a regular basis, providing support, marketing ideas, product updates, and reporting. Organizes advertising and coordinates scheduling and promotions to ensure client satisfaction and project completion. Assists Account Executives in maintaining and nurturing client relationships.
Supports account team in daily program management activities, such as media tracking, list building, Internet research, copy editing, crafting materials, coordinating scheduling and promotions, conducting pitch calls, developing data bases, implementing strategies and research projects, coordinating mailings, assembling press packets, training kits or other materials, and general office and client support. Participates in internal client brainstorming sessions by offering ideas for each project.
Makes recommendations to project lead on how to improve a project. Collaborates with project/team lead to effectively complete scope of work so that it is top quality but also within the terms of the contract. Assists in managing vendor relationships to ensure deliverables are produced accurately, on time, and within budget. Provides research, data consolidation, and recommendation development used to create internal reports, process documents, and/or industry trend reporting.
Serves as a liaison for the account team to marketing team members and the Corporate Communications Department for the dissemination of information. Executes strategies through writing, editing, proofreading, desktop publishing, and web content. Schedules client meetings and teleconferences for team and helps prepare materials for them. Coordinates event logistics. Represents organization at industry or skill specific meetings or conferences. Crafts audits that can be included in communications plans. Creates work plans, and meets project deadlines as set by team lead. Provides administrative support when necessary.
Now, take this description, and apply it to a company that promotes educational tools to schools, teachers, and students-- kindergarten through college. Does that NOT just put together every job I (or my entire extended family) have ever held, and allow me to do ALL the things I do best-- AT THE SAME TIME?! Even better, the low end of the pay scale starts at $50,000-- plus benefits. SHIT!!! Did they x-ray my LIFE before they wrote that or WHAT?!
Anyway, I'm excited that such a position exists, and that people who attain it are clearly appreciated for their contribution to the success of the team as a whole. THAT appeals to me. And, maybe, I'd be able to take enough time off to come home at regular intervals. To be and do here what I feel I must. To get hugs, get caught up, get fed, and stay in touch with all the wonderful people and places that I've come to love so well in the past eight months.
So far, when I finally got OUT of the hard times in my life, I realized that I'd gained in both opportunities and awarenesses-- parts of me that I would never have needed to uncover if life had been as easy as I'd hoped. With this new possibility (among others) on the horizon, it's easy to figure that maybe there's a beautiful silver lining to this "not-quite-employed" cloud I've been under for so long.
I'll keep you posted.
Had an appointment to go play this morning-- wanted to have a good handle on where I'm at and how I feel about it before I went. About once every two months, I get together with the kids I used to nanny, and their mom, for a morning of activities that really take two attentive adults to pull off. This time, it was a HUGE PLAY STRUCTURE FORT THING with about six slides, lots of twisty turns, climbing opportunities, ropes, tunnels, ladders, HOLY CRAP this thing was cool!! OH-- and a nice swing set on the side. With two children under the age of four, you really do need an adult for each of them. Just to make sure they do okay on the stairs.
Mom always asks how my life is. Great people-- and I love catching up with the whole family whenever we can coordinate our schedules. But there it is. I chose to stop working for them. Eight months ago when I really put my job search into high gear. How is my life doing, now, really??
So I thought through it. I realized that if I'd actually gotten any of those distant library jobs, I would never have met the awesome group of folks who make up my primary social network just now. I would never have gotten into acupuncture (or... I don't THINK I would have...) and started healing my old neck injury. I would never have (again-- speculation) realized just how gifted a listener I can sometimes be... or turned it into my own business practice. I really thought I'd have to wait a few decades to put that aspiration into practice. BUT HERE I AM!!! And the biggest "oh. Hey!" of all? I would not still be around to recognize and cope with certain nameless family illnesses.
With all that in mind, I'm really glad that things have worked out the way they did. Granted, I'd now like to get a reliable source of income... but the awesome thing is that my perspective and knowledge of what that job might look like has expanded considerably, just in the last month. It may even be possible that more than one job exists out there that would benefit from MANY different aspects of my life experience, education, and training to date. And some of those jobs actually pay enough that I could live far far away, and fly home five or six times a year, without hocking my cat for collateral on a loan. I've been doing a bit of recon on that one...
Take Account Coordinating, for example. Here's a general job description:
Coordinates new and existing accounts, focusing on client satisfaction, revenue optimization, and account growth. Communicates with clients on a regular basis, providing support, marketing ideas, product updates, and reporting. Organizes advertising and coordinates scheduling and promotions to ensure client satisfaction and project completion. Assists Account Executives in maintaining and nurturing client relationships.
Supports account team in daily program management activities, such as media tracking, list building, Internet research, copy editing, crafting materials, coordinating scheduling and promotions, conducting pitch calls, developing data bases, implementing strategies and research projects, coordinating mailings, assembling press packets, training kits or other materials, and general office and client support. Participates in internal client brainstorming sessions by offering ideas for each project.
Makes recommendations to project lead on how to improve a project. Collaborates with project/team lead to effectively complete scope of work so that it is top quality but also within the terms of the contract. Assists in managing vendor relationships to ensure deliverables are produced accurately, on time, and within budget. Provides research, data consolidation, and recommendation development used to create internal reports, process documents, and/or industry trend reporting.
Serves as a liaison for the account team to marketing team members and the Corporate Communications Department for the dissemination of information. Executes strategies through writing, editing, proofreading, desktop publishing, and web content. Schedules client meetings and teleconferences for team and helps prepare materials for them. Coordinates event logistics. Represents organization at industry or skill specific meetings or conferences. Crafts audits that can be included in communications plans. Creates work plans, and meets project deadlines as set by team lead. Provides administrative support when necessary.
Now, take this description, and apply it to a company that promotes educational tools to schools, teachers, and students-- kindergarten through college. Does that NOT just put together every job I (or my entire extended family) have ever held, and allow me to do ALL the things I do best-- AT THE SAME TIME?! Even better, the low end of the pay scale starts at $50,000-- plus benefits. SHIT!!! Did they x-ray my LIFE before they wrote that or WHAT?!
Anyway, I'm excited that such a position exists, and that people who attain it are clearly appreciated for their contribution to the success of the team as a whole. THAT appeals to me. And, maybe, I'd be able to take enough time off to come home at regular intervals. To be and do here what I feel I must. To get hugs, get caught up, get fed, and stay in touch with all the wonderful people and places that I've come to love so well in the past eight months.
So far, when I finally got OUT of the hard times in my life, I realized that I'd gained in both opportunities and awarenesses-- parts of me that I would never have needed to uncover if life had been as easy as I'd hoped. With this new possibility (among others) on the horizon, it's easy to figure that maybe there's a beautiful silver lining to this "not-quite-employed" cloud I've been under for so long.
I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, July 17
The randomness...
...
WANT.
CHOCOLATE.
To drink with a spoon.
...NAGKED.
(see below for details)
The randomness that is life...: Danger defined
WANT.
CHOCOLATE.
To drink with a spoon.
...NAGKED.
(see below for details)
The randomness that is life...: Danger defined
Thursday, June 5
Funny, That
It's a funny thing... I had an email last week from someone I always wanted to know better in high school. I emailed back, and then spent about 20 minutes trying to figure out WHY I thought he was who I thought he was back then. And I've yet to come up with something believable.
I always thought of him as a kind and gentle person, but pretty self-contained and fairly strong. Quiet, possibly even painfully shy, and yet someone with strong ideas of how to get along in the world. What did I base this on? I have no fugcking idea. My most recent memory is of him sitting slouched in the back of a classroom in his poofy down coat, with his pimp-wannabe baseball cap on backwards and a really bored expression on his face. Yeah.
In the whole of high school, I think we had maybe six conversations. And none of them lasted more than 20 seconds-- except the one where my mom forgot to pick me up from school and it was pitch black and the school was totally deserted, and HE showed up and offered me a ride home. That time, the poor guy was stuck in his truck with me for a full 20 minutes of horror.
I think what usually happened was that I wanted so much to be liked by this guy (remember-- high school) and was so self-conscious and weird as only a pre-pubescent girl can be that about 20 seconds into the conversation, I'd say something that was either really dumb, really bizarre, or both-- and he'd get this "deer in the headlights" look, and stop talking to me. This is how I remember ALL of our interactions. I don't even know what his parents did for a living (or do now, for that matter), I don't know his brother's name or age, I don't know what this guy did after school or even what sports he played-- if any.
But anyway, I got this email last week, and thought "HEY! How cool would it be to finally find out who he actually IS-- and maybe have a whole conversation, too!" So I responded. It's been a week, and I haven't heard anything back from his end. And I have to say, I'm finding it funny. THIS time, I don't think I said anything dumb, foolish, or weird. THIS time, I simply have the inclination to laugh at how familiar the whole situation seems to me. And I'm writing him another email if I don't hear back in a few more days. I'd sort of like to know what happened to shut him up. I'm honesty curious. After all-- HE STARTED IT!
Yeah. Between not hearing from him (YET), and not hearing (YET) from any of my applied-to libraries, I'm feeling kinda lost in the sea of interweberry. There's this book of poems that I really loved in middle and high school because the writer echoed so many of my own confused feelings about my life at that point-- the title is something like "Hello World, It's Me- Margaret." I remember the title being pulled from a poem that discussed that feeling of unwanted invisibility...
Invisibility. I has it.
...Funny, That.
I always thought of him as a kind and gentle person, but pretty self-contained and fairly strong. Quiet, possibly even painfully shy, and yet someone with strong ideas of how to get along in the world. What did I base this on? I have no fugcking idea. My most recent memory is of him sitting slouched in the back of a classroom in his poofy down coat, with his pimp-wannabe baseball cap on backwards and a really bored expression on his face. Yeah.
In the whole of high school, I think we had maybe six conversations. And none of them lasted more than 20 seconds-- except the one where my mom forgot to pick me up from school and it was pitch black and the school was totally deserted, and HE showed up and offered me a ride home. That time, the poor guy was stuck in his truck with me for a full 20 minutes of horror.
I think what usually happened was that I wanted so much to be liked by this guy (remember-- high school) and was so self-conscious and weird as only a pre-pubescent girl can be that about 20 seconds into the conversation, I'd say something that was either really dumb, really bizarre, or both-- and he'd get this "deer in the headlights" look, and stop talking to me. This is how I remember ALL of our interactions. I don't even know what his parents did for a living (or do now, for that matter), I don't know his brother's name or age, I don't know what this guy did after school or even what sports he played-- if any.
But anyway, I got this email last week, and thought "HEY! How cool would it be to finally find out who he actually IS-- and maybe have a whole conversation, too!" So I responded. It's been a week, and I haven't heard anything back from his end. And I have to say, I'm finding it funny. THIS time, I don't think I said anything dumb, foolish, or weird. THIS time, I simply have the inclination to laugh at how familiar the whole situation seems to me. And I'm writing him another email if I don't hear back in a few more days. I'd sort of like to know what happened to shut him up. I'm honesty curious. After all-- HE STARTED IT!
Yeah. Between not hearing from him (YET), and not hearing (YET) from any of my applied-to libraries, I'm feeling kinda lost in the sea of interweberry. There's this book of poems that I really loved in middle and high school because the writer echoed so many of my own confused feelings about my life at that point-- the title is something like "Hello World, It's Me- Margaret." I remember the title being pulled from a poem that discussed that feeling of unwanted invisibility...
Invisibility. I has it.
...Funny, That.
Monday, May 26
Walking Into the World
I took a walk this morning. The air was heavy with moisture (some people might have said there was even a light drizzle going on), and fresh with green growing things. Flowers are blooming, and the bees are still busy about their work. It was a perfect day for a walk, and I felt right, being the one walking. Not many people come out to breathe deeply and enjoy the day when "it looks like rain." All the better for me!
Here we are, only a few weeks from the Summer Solstice, and enjoying some really energetic thunder storms, 60* weather, and lush rain. It's a funny thing, really. Midsummer is traditionally celebrated (all over the world) by lighting a bonfire, and dancing around (and often over) it. It is as though whole communities are celebrating the world's hearth-- the center of life on our planet, just as the kitchen hearth is the center of life in the home. (second only to the computer, these days)
It is a time for community, for slow conversation on front porches and wild laughter around the campfire. A time to celebrate the harvest and bounty that the sun brings forth from the Earth, to take note of the longest day of the year-- when the sun just seems to hang in the sky for hours, and nothing that comes after will be quite as bright. I realize again how much I look forward to having my own hearth-- my own kitchen, my own gathering place, my own bounty and pantry and security of belonging and shelter against the coming cold of winter.
I know I will manifest these things in my life-- I will be offered and accept a wonderful job. I will find a sturdy place to live (with a kitchen and space for friends to visit me) in the town where I work. I will find ways to participate in my new chosen community, and I will celebrate the changing seasons with my own food and my own traditions. I will finally have a livable income, with money left over for future plans and unforeseen needs. I will have a foundation for my new life to grow from. I know I will. But... I want it now. I'm learning to believe that I belong in the world, that I have the right to work for a living and to enjoy my time here. I'm learning to believe that something wonderful will come of all my hard work. I've been gathering my tools, working hard, and making my plans for nearly three years. I'm tired. I want more than hope to keep me warm.
Midsummer is coming. Maybe it will bring me a more concrete opportunity to walk into the world, and enjoy the rich scent of wood smoke in the air. (from a bonfire, or a hearth fire, or a cooking fire, that is) In the meantime, I'm meditating on abundance, taking long walks, and sending out applications for employment. I think I've counted three so far this week, and about five from the week before. I don't know how to get any more concrete than that.
Here we are, only a few weeks from the Summer Solstice, and enjoying some really energetic thunder storms, 60* weather, and lush rain. It's a funny thing, really. Midsummer is traditionally celebrated (all over the world) by lighting a bonfire, and dancing around (and often over) it. It is as though whole communities are celebrating the world's hearth-- the center of life on our planet, just as the kitchen hearth is the center of life in the home. (second only to the computer, these days)
It is a time for community, for slow conversation on front porches and wild laughter around the campfire. A time to celebrate the harvest and bounty that the sun brings forth from the Earth, to take note of the longest day of the year-- when the sun just seems to hang in the sky for hours, and nothing that comes after will be quite as bright. I realize again how much I look forward to having my own hearth-- my own kitchen, my own gathering place, my own bounty and pantry and security of belonging and shelter against the coming cold of winter.
I know I will manifest these things in my life-- I will be offered and accept a wonderful job. I will find a sturdy place to live (with a kitchen and space for friends to visit me) in the town where I work. I will find ways to participate in my new chosen community, and I will celebrate the changing seasons with my own food and my own traditions. I will finally have a livable income, with money left over for future plans and unforeseen needs. I will have a foundation for my new life to grow from. I know I will. But... I want it now. I'm learning to believe that I belong in the world, that I have the right to work for a living and to enjoy my time here. I'm learning to believe that something wonderful will come of all my hard work. I've been gathering my tools, working hard, and making my plans for nearly three years. I'm tired. I want more than hope to keep me warm.
Midsummer is coming. Maybe it will bring me a more concrete opportunity to walk into the world, and enjoy the rich scent of wood smoke in the air. (from a bonfire, or a hearth fire, or a cooking fire, that is) In the meantime, I'm meditating on abundance, taking long walks, and sending out applications for employment. I think I've counted three so far this week, and about five from the week before. I don't know how to get any more concrete than that.
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