Lost and Found

I was thinking recently about some of the situations the people I care about have lived through or are living through. I was thinking about lost time, lost perspective, lost income, lost friends, lost lives. And then I started thinking about what I have lived through. And about how happy I am with my life.

I lost my apartment and many of my household goods. I found that it was a great opportunity to start fresh, and not carry old associations into my new life.

I lost my marriage and my free health care. I found that I don't need all the doctor visits I'd been making... and I found myself. Free. Self-Sufficient. Reliable (though often a bit late-- it's the Leo in me). Resilient. Content with now.

I lost my husband's income and later my job. I found a better job. I also found that I alone on a small income don't carry nearly as much debt as we did together with a much bigger income, and I'm not juggling funds to make ends meet anymore either. I found that I know how to balance a budget, and how to go without cable TV and dinner out every week.

I lost my support network when I moved to a new state. I found that my support network was a lot bigger than I'd realized, and that the people who love and support you will ALWAYS love and support you-- and the people who are there for what you give them... I found that I don't miss giving myself away to selfish people. I found my own value and my own will to succeed.

I spent a lot of time worrying, and whining and complaining and analyzing all that had happened or might happen IF... But once I started trusting myself and my abilities-- and my decisions-- I realized that I am really grateful for the life I have. I have a way to support myself-- and even if I'm using the credit card to pay for my gas right now, I won't always. I have good friends who support me (and put themselves in danger to help me get out of hell)-- and who let me support them in return. I have organic food in my fridge. I have my life, my cat, and my netfix subscription to get me through until I can afford cable and dating again (time-wise, emotions-wise, AND money-wise). I have a clean little 2-room apartment with things in it that I love and that I CHOOSE TO HAVE in my space, and a sunny back patio where my geranium seeds and basil seeds and heavenly bamboo plant all thrive. (The ants are even leaving my pumpkin sprouts alone for the moment!) I have my grandmother's dining table. I have the desk my dad made for me in college. I have the creaky oak desk chair from my childhood. I have my parents' old bed frame. I have a washer and dryer, a mailing address, and a lock on the front door.

I may not have money in the bank or real chairs in my apartment for guests, but I am surrounded by love and growth and beauty. I'd take this life over any other I've lived any day of the week. And I know that if I hadn't lived through all those other times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate everything good that I have now. I just wouldn't see it, because I'd be looking for the cushy new sofa and the matching bedroom set and the big back yard and the happily-ever-after marriage. And those aren't real. What I have is real, and joyful, and I have it because I made it so.

I look at the situations that the people I care about are dealing with, and I know they are carrying burdens. I know life can be tough, and some of them are dealing with tough times. I know that I needed to talk and process to get through those hard times in my own life, and so I want to be here and be listening for them. But I also know that if their perspective doesn't broaden to include the abundance that IS in their lives, they will never find happiness. They will always be burdened by the challenges they face, and will never get to celebrate the gifts they already have-- the ones they brought into their own lives through their own efforts. The people, the pets, the safe and comfortable homes that they surround themselves with. The skills they have. The goals they set and that they will meet. The goals they've already reached.

I find myself wanting to reach through the phone and shake them. CELEBRATE, DAMMIT! But I know that right now, many of them just can't see the reasons to do so. And I know I wouldn't want their challenges for myself. I guess the difference is that I believe I can create the life I want for myself. If I will positive change, and focus my energy on what I'm working toward. If I take the right steps and put can-do energy into the world-- I know that is what I'll get back.

Bad things do happen to good people-- and it is not that good person's fault if they bump into a mass murderer on a tear or something. But I can say about my life that the big bad things I've overcome all had great lessons to them. I never want to live through them again-- and I don't wish those or any other bad times on anyone-- but I wouldn't be as full and great a human being now if I hadn't had those very experiences. If you could hear what goes on in my mind when I realize I've got a BIG REASON to complain-- it would sound a bit like this:

"Oh, hegll. This sucks. Great. Another reason to grow. Well, what can I learn from THIS one? What might be going on to make that person do that? Can I think of anything that could possibly put me in their shoes one day? ...Well, I guess I can have a bit of compassion. (or-- Nope. I'm so glad I will never be like this person!) Man, personal growth is exhausting. I'd better plan some down time into my week. Okay. You know, this is actually a good thing in some ways, because ...." And suddenly, it's not all bad. Of course, sometimes this process takes 2 minutes, and sometimes it takes 2 months. Depends on the situation. And on how fast I can grow to encompass the lessons I take from it. Growth itself is definitely not predictable. And, in the meantime, my friends will definitely be getting that call from me where all I want to do is process and whine.

Yeah, I do that. But inside... inside I know my life is full of reasons to celebrate, and abundance is everywhere, if only I choose to look. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life-- but I've found so much more because of it. Things WILL improve. I will make it so.

And by the way, I find it very strange that the spell-check on the blog postings editor does not recognize the word "okay" in it's proper grammatical spelling. It gets a red highlight every time. Weird. Did the computer geeks who make the latest programs NOT KNOW that ok is an abbreviation?? Well... I guess I can see how that would be so. I'm certainly reliant on the spell-check feature as it is. I guess it's a good thing that the one word it doesn't know is one I don't actually have any questions about!