The Ex Factor

It confounds me just how many different ways there are for one person to fugck with another. While still saying things like "just because we're divorced doesn't mean we can't be friends and have a civil relationship," and "I don't think we need legal paperwork for that-- I trust you."

Yeah, the legal paperwork was for ME, you dolt! And I still haven't agreed to do it. Something he obviously didn't hear the first three or four times I said it. Which totally explains most of my marriage. The rest of my marriage can be explained by the fact that he thought $350 was enough money to bribe me into agreeing with his plan, no more information needed... And that even though THIS time I managed to walk away without (this used to be MY m-o) agreeing to anything, apologizing for anything, or getting angry over anything-- I still walked away feeling belittled, ungrateful, and confused about his true motives.

And I had this horrible urge to write him an email apologizing for representing my own interests in the conversation, and coaching him through his obvious confusion about what he's allowed to show concern for as a friend vs. a significant other. Because that is what I would have done while we were married. (He stopped mid-sentence to apologize for showing an interest in and concern for my well-being, and changed the subject. It's the only time I came into the conversation at all, and it was STILL all about him! Now that takes talent.) None of which I need or want to do, actually. No, ACTUALLY, I'm furious with myself-- and with him-- for having those desires in the first place.

Now, I've been doing a very good job of relinquishing responsibility for his well-being, and halting his continued attempts to mess with me. I've just been doing it slowly-- because I had to continue interacting with him for another six months regardless of my own desires. But this one interaction threw me back (temporarily) to where I was three years ago. Not cool.

I realized that by changing the rules on me, and making his little financial offer, he'd shaken my composure to such a degree that I had lost my footing and fallen into old (and familiar) habits. Thanks to my best friend's sage observations about truth in advertising, however, I'm no longer confused, rattled, or otherwise lost. I recognize just how far I HAVE advanced in my quest to be a healthy individual. (capital H, capital I) And I'm going to make my decision based on what's best for ME, with no remorse about representing my own interests, thank you very much.

Ahhh, yes-- the Ex factor.
After all-- I was married to it. (This is actually another one of those "We Know What That Means" quotes... but that is a story for another time.)