Pass, Fail

This blog entry started out as a retelling of an experience I wrote about for something else entirely. It went from there to an "All I need to know I learned in Kindergarten" moment. I guess in the end, it's all about perspective. Did you pass or fail? Do you chose to celebrate the successes, or mourn all the things you haven't yet accomplished? Are they things you WANT to accomplish in the first place? I don't know. And the mirror doesn't say.

I went to get a new passport yesterday. I had one once, back when I was in high school, and it's hopelessly out of date. I waited in line, got my picture taken (It actually looks better than the photo on my driver's license!), and handed over every scrap of personal information and identification I could find to the stranger behind the counter, including a check I wrote a week ago when I thought I could still get my passport renewed by mail. Then, he left for his break.

What does this have to do with libraries, students, or pretty much ANYTHING? Well... the lady who took his place was shocked-- SHOCKED by how organized I was, and how I had absolutely everything she needed to complete the passport process RIGHT THERE, with the i's dotted and the t's crossed. She told me it was actually a bit freaky. I told her I was a librarian.

If there is one skill a librarian must have, it is the ability to perform detailed research online, and use what we learn for the project at hand. Oh, and by the way, a little tip from me to you-- Put your passport forms, birth certificate, etc in between the pages of a book that is slightly larger than the biggest piece of paper. The book won't bend, and it's less likely to fall open and spill its content than a folder. Also, it comes in handy when you are standing in the passport line for an hour or two while the guy in Bermuda shorts tries to fill out the register in his wife's check book.

I'm getting the passport for two reasons-- one, my best friend (I have several) is getting married in Mexico this winter; and two, it's a smart thing to have ready. Tonight, I went to another best friend's house so we could talk about wedding-appropriate dresses, and maybe even coordinate our dress colors. That turned out to be the shortest part of the whole evening.

The rest of it seemed to be one long reminder of how hard it is to communicate change, and personal growth, in relation to emotional issues. Even to best friends. So whereas I might tell a story because I'm proud of how I handled the situation-- seeing my personal growth in that moment... they hear the story as a big picture of me still dealing with unhealthy situations far too often.

While I know it was their desire to help me have the best possible life, it was frustrating to switch from grim humor and personal pride to "don't get defensive, they might have a good point. Maybe I am still fugged up about this." I thought I was pretty successful at listening with an open mind, too, until it was pointed out that my "be still and listen to the whole commentary" face actually looked like an "I'm so angry at you for even bringing the subject up!" face. Sigh.

And my comment that I'm looking forward to cleaning my closet and finally sorting through the box of "ex-husband reminders" in the bottom left corner became a chance to express their concern that I might either be planning to throw out any and all reminders that once I was married-- TO HIM-- or, conversely, that I was not taking the emotional impact of my plan at all seriously, and ... well... I guess I somehow failed to communicate the part a year ago when I put all that stuff IN THE BOX so I wouldn't just throw it all out, and also wouldn't have to run into it every day and then have emotional breakdowns.

That was a year ago. This is now, when I'm excited about sorting through it and getting rid of the emotional baggage I'd attached to those things. And I want to share my excitement about finally reaching this stage with my friends. I'll probably keep some of the photos, pawn some of the jewelry, and so on, as appropriate. And no, it won't be a walk in the park, but I've grown since I put the box in the closet. I wish I were better at sharing my good moments with my friends-- AS GOOD MOMENTS. I wish I were better at looking the way I feel about things. I wish I knew how to make people believe me, even if they don't understand why what I say is true. I say it because it is my truth-- isn't that enough? But then... of course... so do they.

And for pity's sake--
Why isn't there a reader-board on my forehead that explains the thoughts behind the expressions?!
Why is it so hard to talk about the emotions that motivate my actions?
Why do we need concrete reasons for our actions in the first place-- intuition and self-awareness used to be enough to fly by, you know.
Why do we grow differently from our friends, and why is it sometimes so hard to bridge that gap?
Why are wedding dresses so hard to choose?
And why do I still feel some jealousy all these years later that she has so many people to go dress-shopping with, and I had to pick out mine alone? (it had nothing to do with her, by the way-- and I'm excited to be included in her process, whatever I felt about mine)
For that matter, why did the dry cleaner shrink my favorite prom dress?
And why do cucumbers and pineapple make my tongue swell up when I eat them, but not pickles or oranges?

Remember when you were little, and every little thing you did was not just a reason to be proud of yourself, but a reason for others to celebrate your accomplishments? Why isn't it like that now? Why can't we celebrate drawing our first letters, even if we don't yet know how to read? I've made so much progress lately. I don't live in fear anymore. I don't let others make my decisions for me. I've learned how to overcome my tendency to procrastinate things I don't like doing (somewhat), and I'm learning to be bold about expressing who I really am underneath. Please celebrate that with me, and don't remind me of how much more I have to do. I will never know all there is to know, but I work hard to learn something new every day. Isn't that reason to celebrate? Isn't that enough to pass the "are you really doing okay" exam? I don't see where I am now as failure. I don't want you to see it that way either. But I'm glad you are honest. I'm glad you care whether I fail or succeed. I'm glad we are friends.

I'm not afraid of men or of dating, and I could be. I'm not afraid of living alone or of being divorced, and I used to be. I'm embracing my future and I've even admitted that I like pink, and red. I've learned to be picky about the candles I buy. I may not be good at following a budget, but I give my friends good advice (they tell me this themselves, without bribes), and I know how to love. I try to be the best person I can be-- not just leading a selfish life, but really being a good contribution to the world by the life choices I try to make each day. And... well... in the end, I know my friends are trying to do the same thing.

So I guess what I need to do is go back to counseling. From there, I can figure out either how to communicate my personal growth and my emotions more clearly, or I can figure out what parts of the way I live my life are still fugged up, and fix them, so my friends don't have to worry about me so much anymore. Sigh.

Life is a journey. Thank you for walking with me for a while. I think I learn as much from the way you live your life as I do from the way I live mine. And I know I wouldn't be half so successful in leading a life I love without my friends. ...Even when they point out things I might not want to see. So ...thanks. I guess we passed the friendship test after all.