A piece of peace

I've decided that I really like the new Gwen Stefani song-- "If I could escape..."
And I've selected a few relevant photos to match.

















Oh-- and H? That word I was trying to think of-- it wasn't "girl-rooms..." it was "Harems." But I think I like the implications of the girl-room better. =) Besides, it's a great excuse to have tons of really awesome throw pillows!

Pass, Fail

This blog entry started out as a retelling of an experience I wrote about for something else entirely. It went from there to an "All I need to know I learned in Kindergarten" moment. I guess in the end, it's all about perspective. Did you pass or fail? Do you chose to celebrate the successes, or mourn all the things you haven't yet accomplished? Are they things you WANT to accomplish in the first place? I don't know. And the mirror doesn't say.

I went to get a new passport yesterday. I had one once, back when I was in high school, and it's hopelessly out of date. I waited in line, got my picture taken (It actually looks better than the photo on my driver's license!), and handed over every scrap of personal information and identification I could find to the stranger behind the counter, including a check I wrote a week ago when I thought I could still get my passport renewed by mail. Then, he left for his break.

What does this have to do with libraries, students, or pretty much ANYTHING? Well... the lady who took his place was shocked-- SHOCKED by how organized I was, and how I had absolutely everything she needed to complete the passport process RIGHT THERE, with the i's dotted and the t's crossed. She told me it was actually a bit freaky. I told her I was a librarian.

If there is one skill a librarian must have, it is the ability to perform detailed research online, and use what we learn for the project at hand. Oh, and by the way, a little tip from me to you-- Put your passport forms, birth certificate, etc in between the pages of a book that is slightly larger than the biggest piece of paper. The book won't bend, and it's less likely to fall open and spill its content than a folder. Also, it comes in handy when you are standing in the passport line for an hour or two while the guy in Bermuda shorts tries to fill out the register in his wife's check book.

I'm getting the passport for two reasons-- one, my best friend (I have several) is getting married in Mexico this winter; and two, it's a smart thing to have ready. Tonight, I went to another best friend's house so we could talk about wedding-appropriate dresses, and maybe even coordinate our dress colors. That turned out to be the shortest part of the whole evening.

The rest of it seemed to be one long reminder of how hard it is to communicate change, and personal growth, in relation to emotional issues. Even to best friends. So whereas I might tell a story because I'm proud of how I handled the situation-- seeing my personal growth in that moment... they hear the story as a big picture of me still dealing with unhealthy situations far too often.

While I know it was their desire to help me have the best possible life, it was frustrating to switch from grim humor and personal pride to "don't get defensive, they might have a good point. Maybe I am still fugged up about this." I thought I was pretty successful at listening with an open mind, too, until it was pointed out that my "be still and listen to the whole commentary" face actually looked like an "I'm so angry at you for even bringing the subject up!" face. Sigh.

And my comment that I'm looking forward to cleaning my closet and finally sorting through the box of "ex-husband reminders" in the bottom left corner became a chance to express their concern that I might either be planning to throw out any and all reminders that once I was married-- TO HIM-- or, conversely, that I was not taking the emotional impact of my plan at all seriously, and ... well... I guess I somehow failed to communicate the part a year ago when I put all that stuff IN THE BOX so I wouldn't just throw it all out, and also wouldn't have to run into it every day and then have emotional breakdowns.

That was a year ago. This is now, when I'm excited about sorting through it and getting rid of the emotional baggage I'd attached to those things. And I want to share my excitement about finally reaching this stage with my friends. I'll probably keep some of the photos, pawn some of the jewelry, and so on, as appropriate. And no, it won't be a walk in the park, but I've grown since I put the box in the closet. I wish I were better at sharing my good moments with my friends-- AS GOOD MOMENTS. I wish I were better at looking the way I feel about things. I wish I knew how to make people believe me, even if they don't understand why what I say is true. I say it because it is my truth-- isn't that enough? But then... of course... so do they.

And for pity's sake--
Why isn't there a reader-board on my forehead that explains the thoughts behind the expressions?!
Why is it so hard to talk about the emotions that motivate my actions?
Why do we need concrete reasons for our actions in the first place-- intuition and self-awareness used to be enough to fly by, you know.
Why do we grow differently from our friends, and why is it sometimes so hard to bridge that gap?
Why are wedding dresses so hard to choose?
And why do I still feel some jealousy all these years later that she has so many people to go dress-shopping with, and I had to pick out mine alone? (it had nothing to do with her, by the way-- and I'm excited to be included in her process, whatever I felt about mine)
For that matter, why did the dry cleaner shrink my favorite prom dress?
And why do cucumbers and pineapple make my tongue swell up when I eat them, but not pickles or oranges?

Remember when you were little, and every little thing you did was not just a reason to be proud of yourself, but a reason for others to celebrate your accomplishments? Why isn't it like that now? Why can't we celebrate drawing our first letters, even if we don't yet know how to read? I've made so much progress lately. I don't live in fear anymore. I don't let others make my decisions for me. I've learned how to overcome my tendency to procrastinate things I don't like doing (somewhat), and I'm learning to be bold about expressing who I really am underneath. Please celebrate that with me, and don't remind me of how much more I have to do. I will never know all there is to know, but I work hard to learn something new every day. Isn't that reason to celebrate? Isn't that enough to pass the "are you really doing okay" exam? I don't see where I am now as failure. I don't want you to see it that way either. But I'm glad you are honest. I'm glad you care whether I fail or succeed. I'm glad we are friends.

I'm not afraid of men or of dating, and I could be. I'm not afraid of living alone or of being divorced, and I used to be. I'm embracing my future and I've even admitted that I like pink, and red. I've learned to be picky about the candles I buy. I may not be good at following a budget, but I give my friends good advice (they tell me this themselves, without bribes), and I know how to love. I try to be the best person I can be-- not just leading a selfish life, but really being a good contribution to the world by the life choices I try to make each day. And... well... in the end, I know my friends are trying to do the same thing.

So I guess what I need to do is go back to counseling. From there, I can figure out either how to communicate my personal growth and my emotions more clearly, or I can figure out what parts of the way I live my life are still fugged up, and fix them, so my friends don't have to worry about me so much anymore. Sigh.

Life is a journey. Thank you for walking with me for a while. I think I learn as much from the way you live your life as I do from the way I live mine. And I know I wouldn't be half so successful in leading a life I love without my friends. ...Even when they point out things I might not want to see. So ...thanks. I guess we passed the friendship test after all.

Eat It

I've concluded that puking in public parking lots is infinitely more humiliating than puking in the privacy of your own bathroom. I've also concluded that food poisoning sux as much this time as it did last year when I got it (by golly, I think that was in August, too!). And, to top it all off, puke stains are not easy to remove from the fabric of one's car.

On the plus side, I've reestablished my love of and appreciation for food, and I will now be stocking flat soda pop permanently in the back of my fridge, as it is the only thing I've found that STOPS the continued after-effects of food poisoning for me. I also want to thank my good friends, whom I called between frantic jaunts to the bathroom because I didn't have any soda pop, or soda crackers, or baking soda (for the car stains)-- and who called each other, and then eventually LG showed up at my door with half her pantry and a bunch of kids movies to make my life easier. Luckily, her pantry included some sprite and a whole box of soda crackers. I love my friends.

Oh, and my cat's tooth cleaning (and mine, come to think of it) went fine. It was just the drive home that was painful-- because that's when my food poisoning struck. She's fully recovered but for some short fur on her front leg where they had the tubes (you don't clean a cat's teeth when it's awake, thank you very much). I'm able to eat rice and potatoes and vegetables again, and water with no sprite in it, so things are getting better for me, too.

Oh, and classes start again tomorrow. Yay. On the plus side, it is my final semester in my quest for a Masters Degree, and I don't have that one professor this time. YAY! ...bbbboooosssseeee...

Bose Bwahahaha

Just in case you were wondering, I promised myself a Bose Stereo if I got all A's in my classes this summer. A truly difficult task because I had that one professor again, for a class with little redeeming value, and lots of quizzes-- and because it was Summermester. As you know, this is when they cram a whole 4-month semester class into the 8 weeks of summer.

Just in case you were wondering, I suffered. Not "my dad died of small pox and I had to take over the farm for my younger brothers, and we didn't have enough to eat because it was the depression" suffered, but ... it was Not Fun. And I didn't have many get-togethers with my friends this summer either, and I felt like a not-good-friend about it, but there is only so much time in a week, and mine was packed.

Just in case you were wondering-- I'll be buying my stereo just as soon as the financial aid check that I was supposed to live off of this summer arrives in September. My grin of mad satisfaction is so big, I look like the Cheshire Cat. I'm even wearing pants with purple stripes in them. =D bbbboooooosssssseeeee.... mmmmmm ...I'm also going to ask my dad to turn all my favorite old tapes into CDs so I can listen to them-- I haven't had a way to play them in about three years. Oh... well, except for in my car-- and I never thought of that. Whoops. Ok. Well. Ahem-- anyway, they'll be much more user-friendly on CD. Yeah.

(in case you were wondering-- the 3BT are the two A's, and the stereo. Also, I'm really looking forward to having more time with my friends again-- and to having that financial aid check finally!-- it feels just like Christmas. Speaking of which, I'm proud to brag that I have now purchased five christmas gifts, and I even know who most of them are for!)

Heroines, A Quiz

I just took the Jane Austen Heroines Quiz. Fairly accurate. Friggen Funny.

Here's me--

Take the Quiz here!

I'm Anne Elliot. Who I totally identified with and loved when I saw the movie, and who has the last name I always wanted, and who even (in a very small way) looks like me. COOL! Of course, I'm not so big on doing things the way my family has always done it or something-- but I am big on doing things the right way, being the good girl, as it were... much the same sense of responsibility and willingness to take on other's problems-- easily persuaded if it might be the right thing to do, don't you know...
So go have fun, take the quiz (thanks, Shana, for pointing it out to me), and let me know what heroine YOU are! =) I tell you, this is better than horoscopes!

http://www.strangegirl.com/austenquiz/

:: A N N E ::

You are Anne Elliot of Persuasion! Let's face it, you're easily persuaded, especially when faced with choices that are or aren't 'the Elliot way.' But this doesn't mean that you don't have conviction. Actually, your sense of duty is overwhelming. And though you won't stick your neck out too often, you have learned to speak up when it counts. To boot, you know how to handle sticky situations. You love deeply and constantly.

The Ono Fish

Ummm... so, yeah, it was my birthday yesterday. My goal was to spend a few hours in meditation, thinking about who I am and what I'm doing. It felt like an appropriate time to be doing that. Instead, what seems to have happened, is that I was aware of the way I spent my time during the day. I really thought about what I'm doing with my life in a more "here and now" sense-- because "what I'm doing with my life" isn't about my goals-- it's about each day lived.

And I realized that I get to read books to little kids who smile at me and like to hold conversations with me-- and who are already learning (at the age of 2) how cool the "libbery" can be. I'm very proud of that. I feel it's time well-spent, for all my complaining about the long hours. I realized that filling and emptying the dishwasher is a fact of life, and I posted a quote from one of my favorite blogs--

"Cleaning isn't just an obligation. It's also a way to honor your life, a way to show yourself you're worth that much effort. ...I'm working on that one."

It made me stop and think about all the ways you can honor your life, and how I'm not doing any of them right now. And I decided that I actually am worth the effort, and I actually do want to honor my life. And if that means putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher every day, then I can do that. And if that means running the a/c for a few minutes so I can brew a cup of tea on a hot day, then I can do that.

And if that means taking the time to finally look up the name/location of a women's shelter so I can donate the rest of the stuff I've decided to get rid of to them instead of Goodwill, and TAKING THE TIME TO DROP THE STUFF OFF THERE, then I can do that, too. I want the file cabinet out of my entry way. I deserve to walk into my apartment without running into things, tripping on things, or knocking things over.

And then I went to one of my favorite stores to meet my family for dinner. I found out that my all-time favorite candle that only they carry and that lasts 50 hours, and has never dripped and made a wax puddle on my floor or my table, and that doesn't smoke, and doesn't tip over, and is just PERFECT because it only costs $5... well, they've discontinued making it. But the nice helper-lady looked at other stores and found 15 of them for me at other stores, and they're being shipped to my home. I figured if this is my last chance to get ahold of my favorite candle, I'm not messing around. Of all the candles I've ever bought, this is the one I keep lighting.

And dinner with my mom, papa, and aunt was great. I had the opportunity to realize that where I come from is a part of who I am. And I finally had a group of people who all go whole-hog with Ottohumor and there was no one there to roll their eyes and be disgusted with us for deciding that hero-ono fish was a super hero who changed his mind, fell (o-no!), and sorta splatted into the water... well, you get the picture. It was fun to be a family for a bit.

And then I got home and had time for myself. That was interesting, too. I was so tired after working ten hours and having quality social time for two hours after that... the one thing that really rose out of my quiet time is that I'm about to be done with school. I'm about to emerge into the world of self-supporting professionals. And in many ways, it will be a rebirth for me. A whole new start in the world, with new goals and new priorities and new lessons to learn. I'm really looking forward to that.

For now, though, I'm going to move through my day with joy, and spend time with good friends. I can't think of a better gift to start my new year than that.

Fiddy and Fried

Yesterday, I wrote a 55 page paper. Well, I wrote a 40 page paper, plus 15 pages that each listed a single reference source-- the same source-- 15 times. (I really do not understand my Management professor.) Yesterday, I also discovered the absolute best most perfect way to appreciate my bed.

You know, sometimes I'm not really excited about going to bed. There are too many wonderful books and cool movies and good friends that I want to spend my time on instead-- and of course, the cat must be petted. And then there are the times when I'm not able to sleep or the bed is too lumpy or too hot or too cold or the sheets are wrinkled... and I'm just not really very appreciative of my bed.

But yesterday... or rather, this morning, I figured it out. First, stare at a computer screen from 10am until 3am, with a few short breaks for eating and other necessities. Your eyes will be so bugged out and tired that the dark is a soothing relief. By 3am, you will no longer be sure how to string words together into sentences, or you will forget that the sentence needs to END, and will just string all your thoughts together in one long long long sentence that never ends and gets kinda messy and really fairly pointless. And you'll be tired of holding up your head, tired of sitting at the desk. Tired of leaning forward on the one arm to read the screen better because your eyes got fuzzy around 4pm, and eyes don't get a second wind.

Then, you go to bed. And bed feels like some luxurious palace where nothing has to move and nothing has to bear weight, and it is SOFT and COOL and DARK and QUIET and SUPPORTIVE and there is NO GUILT INVOLVED... Man-- I tell you, going to bed this morning felt better than sex.

Of course... the alarm went off at 7:30. And the phone started beeping at 9. And the cat decided that 10am was really quite late enough, thank you. And I gave up even pretending to sleep by about 10:30... I mean, after all, I still have another paper to write today. Sigh... I miss my bed.

August

Somebody remind me-- what was the song the Munchkins sang when the Wicked Witch of the West was defeated? Maybe I can modify that to sing about the flies that are no longer swarming my home...

August should be an interesting month. I've started out by decisively winning the fight against the flies (I'm still on alert in case of future attempts by the enemy, however)-- and my kitchen remains clean and tidy thus far. I've got finals going on. I've got to renew my passport in person, having noticed that the one I found is probably not the most recent one, and I've got a looming deadline for that. I also hope to finish once and for all getting all my legal documents to reflect my divorced status and my new legal last name. A few of the larger corporations seem to have regressed in that field... I start my next internship mid August. And, I start my last semester of classes on the 27th. This means that by the end of the year, I'll have a degree in my hand, and an endless horizon before me.

This is also the month that I turn 29. I've asked people to celebrate with me at fun but expensive restaurants so that I can spend that time celebrating the people in my life that help to make it such a great experience for me (and thus, no gifts but their presence are needed!). August is when we celebrate fire and the harvest and large cats and the ocean and stories. Lots of stories. This month I'm finally going to sort through the last few piles of what-not remaining from my big home-cleaning purge of Summer Semester, too. And I've sent out my first honest to gosh job application this month. With more to follow, I'm sure.

I was recently talking with a good friend, and realized that according to Chakra reckoning, age 29 is the first year of the fifth section of my life (they count in groups of seven)-- and it is the time when I focus on communication (fifth chakra is throat). Since it's the first year in that set of seven, it will probably also be about grounding, and this makes sense to me. I'm hoping to ground myself in a good first librarian job, a good place to live for a while, and a budget that actually can fit my income without forcing me to live on the streets. All of these things require good communication. =) Especially being a children's librarian. And keeping in close contact with my good friends and family from wherever I end up working.

So, HELLO AUGUST! I'm excited about you. And... I'm going to get back to work on my finals now. The old semester ain't over yet.