Yes, and...

I have a wry sense of humor. If you can't tell that I'm laughing helplessly at most of what goes on in my life, and loving every minute of it (at least the parts I blog about)... you must just think I complain a lot! The thing is-- I also really appreciate and value the people and the lessons that walk through my life. (Into... over... I swear that last guy was wearing stilettos! These boots are made for walking, as they say...)

And really, I don't often share the humor I see with the people around me (with one or two glaring exceptions for friends who have the same sick views I do, and also frequently check over their shoulders for film crews). I've learned the hard way that IN THE MOMENT, it's usually just not funny to most people because it's real life, or because it's THEIR life. Admit it- if you saw the same thing on an episode of "Friends," you'd pee your pants laughing! And I've learned that people I care very much about can be easily hurt if I invite them to enjoy the moment with me later by saying, "It was really funny when you-" but they hear "I'm laughing at you because---, you loser!" And somehow, I have never been able to figure out which people will laugh with me, and what events, recalled or re-framed, will make someone never speak to me again for a long time. sigh

The odd part is that I am HAPPY to share those same moments in my own life that made me laugh at myself-- they are truly comedic in my mind, and I like to share a good laugh! Where laughter goes, I have very little shame. (I learned that one from my dad, and his sisters and brothers, whose shared corny sense of humor has really crossed the line to sad. S-A-D, SAD. Like, you might lose IQ points by laughing, I mean SAD!) I've actually managed to get into trouble on this count, too. (And not just for matching my dad joke-for-corny joke at family gatherings!) People think I'm feeling sorry for myself, or that I'm actually as incompetent (or unfeeling) as my recounted stories imply, or that I might actually think I actually AM a loser. I rarely feel sorry for myself. I often laugh at the folly in my life, but it really isn't the same thing. In fact, I'm oddly self-confident. I only once had the realization that I was a loser (besides sixth grade, but that was just about the big plastic-framed pink-and-blue glasses, and the knee-high white socks that I wore with my shorts that summer), and as soon as I thought it, I started laughing!

(It went like this: "Waaaaiiit... I'm divorced, I just lost my job, I am living in a tiny messy apartment with my cat, my parents are giving me hand-outs because I have no money, and I just started back to school for my second attempt at a degree because I still can't get a job with health insurance... Well, if that's not the definition of a loser, I don't know what is! -- insert laughter here-- That's hilarious! ...That's ME... Oh, shigt. That IS me. ...And yet, I can also honestly say that my life has never been better than it is right now, under these circumstances. Wow. Now THAT is funny!")

Friendly Laughter Bestows Grace.
Or, as the kitchen magnet my psycho grandmother (not enough people in the family laugh about her yet, so I can't elaborate) once gave me for my birthday says, "Blessed are we who can Laugh at ourselves for we shall never cease to be amused." Of course, when she gave it to me, I was in my insecure teenage years. I thought she was telling me that she thought my life was laughable. As I matured, I came to wonder how THAT WOMAN could possibly give me something THAT FITTING to who I am and how I view my world. I don't think she'd actually spent more than an hour a year with me (mandatory Christmas visit) or hearing about me since I was five or six! I guess everyone has their wonderful moments of grace. Thank you Jesus (or whoever) for that!

ANYway-- I do often view the world through the tummy cramps in my glasses (from laughing too much-- sorry, that was probably a bit vague and odd even coming from me). But I also am so grateful for the life that I live, and the people in it. I am SO LUCKY to lead the life I do, and have the advantages I have. For one thing, my parents are intelligent and self-sufficient, and still living together and loving each other. Same two people-- my whole 28 years, plus their time alone before me. For another thing, I was brought up to believe that being poor was a wonderful opportunity to exercise my creativity, and not something to be ashamed of. (For this reason, one of my all-time favorite inspirational toys has always been a used toilet paper tube. Voila- instant spy binoculars, tube-slide for small toys, bull-horn, dog-fetcher, you get the idea.) I went to an awesome undergraduate institution, and my parents (still poor) helped me out financially while I was there. I have a variety of marketable skills, including the ability to produce a decent resume. I understand how to make and keep a budget. (I'm not actually very good at doing it, but I know what I SHOULD be doing.) I know how to do credible and concise research via library, interview, internet, or inference. Pretty good, for a loser! ;)

Most valuable of all, I have more than one friend who would risk her life to help me, and who has done so when I desperately needed the help. I have more than one friend worth risking my life to help, too. Who could ask for more than that? (and a pint of really good ice cream to share with them)

I also know my family love and value me, and I love and value them-- and this is, in LARGE PART, the reason that my blog is so very wry and cynical. It's an escape valve for my irreverent sense of the ridiculous that surrounds me every day (and you, too, I'll bet). I care too much about the people in my life to risk alienating them in person. That's why I do it impersonally so the whole world can read about it, and laugh at them, instead. (That was my sense of the ridiculous speaking, by the way-- I think it's funny that I would chose to publish stories that I don't actually TALK about to most people.)