Finding Time

This is actually a post about Yoga. Maybe I'm just talking about how hard it is to take time out of my day for me... and how I connect that with being female in this time and place. Maybe it's something else all together. As I wrote it, the post just kept getting longer and longer... I think I'm worried that I didn't share this lesson well enough, or that I'm talking to people who only exist in my head... I'm worried that I will sound pitiful, or worse-- preachy... I sometimes think that we, as women, often have too hard a time recognizing our own wisdom and our own worth... So I'm not going to cut this one down to a more manageable size. I think it's important. Whatever it is.

See, there's this list of "someday" goals in my head. The ones I never do find time to commit to-- ones that don't put food on the table, a roof over my head, and don't benefit anyone but me. This is where I keep my desires like spending a whole week at a bed-and-breakfast on the beach, instead of using my vacation time and money on a trip to Michigan with my family every year... The list that has my wish to learn how to make bread-- good old hearty nutty flavorful bread. My desire for a gym membership ended up on this list, too. With a limited income, a weekly lunch with the people I love is just more important, for the price. And I still haven't found energy or supplies to build that Navajo Loom I want to play with-- nor research what kind of string I'd need to warp it with. Come to think of it-- when would I have time?

I'm not willing to give up my sleep-- the whole "get up 30 minutes earlier" plan just sounds like a way to substitute one healthy thing for another when I hear it. Less sleep, but more exercise... is that really helping me? Or less sleep but more time to write, more time to meditate, more time for a walk every day, more time to fix a healthy lunch before I go to work-- Suddenly I wonder if I shouldn't just be staying up all night to find the extra time I want for ALL the things I want to enjoy in my day!

So I'm not going to give up sleep to improve my life. That's an oxymoron waiting to happen. But I do want to include more good stuff in the time that I'm awake (and fewer morons). Maybe I don't need as much time checking email before I start my day. Maybe I don't need as much time watching movies to unwind at night before bed. Maybe I need to start out slowly. Maybe I already have.

I found a book on Yoga-- it has a 5-minute routine in it. And once I made time for five minutes of yoga in my morning prep... it wasn't so hard to move up to the 15-minute version the book also offers. Heck! I might eventually work my way up to the 90-minute yoga routine the book includes before the year is gone! And I found a book called Gardener's Yoga, by Veronica D'Orazio (Sasquatch Books, 2006). I'm actually giving this one to my mom for her birthday. I think it will suit her, so don't you go telling her about it first!

The book is split into three sections. The first section is a preparation for working the earth, and coincidentally contains about ten minutes of "getting started" Yoga poses. The second section is another ten minutes of Yoga, this time geared toward stretching out the kinks that come from all that weeding and squatting down. The last ten minute section is for the end of the day, to help your body relax after hard work. I love how well the poses flow into one another, and I love how well they are integrated into the seasons and the phases of the garden.

I've realized that the hard part about taking care of me has always been getting started. I've had trouble committing myself to spending large chunks of my time doing selfish things. And in my head, I thought of the things I want to do just for me-- like Yoga and writing and meditating and weaving... I've thought of them as a selfish way to spend my time. But on the days I do them, I'm a better worker at my day job, and I grow stronger as a person. I feel healthy, and I have more patience with the world. So for now, I may only spend ten minutes doing Yoga in the morning, but I'm learning to feel good about that. I see it as a foundation for more good things to grow from. I'm learning that taking good care of me has a good impact on the people around me, too. It's not wrong to love and care for myself. In fact, nobody else can do it better.

Maybe I didn't have to find the time so much as I had to convince myself that I am worth spending quality time on. ...And that I don't have to start doing it all at once. I certainly didn't learn that one from my mother, or my ex. In fact, most women I know have a very hard time (there's that word again!!) doing things for themselves in a consistent way, or having the things they do accepted by their partners as worth the time. There's always something more important they could be doing. But here's the challenge-- if YOU don't think you're important (if you don't think your NEEDS are important), nobody else will either. And that is wrong. You are important. Worth doing good things for.

I don't mean the extra chocolate bar when you've had a bad day... (well, not JUST that!) I mean that 20 minutes of uninterrupted meditation in a quiet room every night so you can sleep comfortably. I mean that hour on the phone with your family or your best friend who moved away five years ago-- every weekend, without trying to multi-task while you talk. I mean the five minutes you spend standing still to enjoy the beauty of a tree, and just BREATHE for a minute, as you rush between buildings, meetings, and soccer practice every afternoon. I mean that 10 minutes I'm spending on my Yoga every morning before work, and the effort it takes to keep a clean spot on the floor big enough to do it in. I mean refusing to stay up that extra half an hour at night to get everyone else ready for the next day-- while they sleep.

Somehow, we've learned that the job must be done right, and we're the only ones who can do the job that way. Somehow, we've agreed to take on the responsibility for the success or failure of every dream our family (even our society) has-- without including our dreams on the list. We take the leftovers. We take the hand-me-down computer. We don't ask for someone to do their share of the chores-- we ask them to help us out a little with the chores we do. We make the kids' lunch and work a 60 hour week. We scrimp and save our pennies so someone else can have their heart's desire. Someone who already spent their pennies on something frivolous and fun.

I don't mean to dishonor our sacrifices, and I know this isn't everyone's reality. I actually hold a great respect for the importance of compassion, of love. But that's just it. Compassion, Love, long-term planning, Sharing and Giving are IMPORTANT, and WORTHY OF RESPECT. And another thing I've learned-- from my own life and from watching those I love-- is that if we continue to give and give without ever replenishing ourselves, we burn out, and we eventually have nothing left to give to anyone.

So-- please-- make a difference in your own quality of life, long-term. Like ten minutes of Yoga before breakfast, or ten minutes of solitude before bed. Now that I've learned how to find the time, I am determined not to lose it again. I want to enjoy my life. I want to experience abundance so that I can share it whole-heartedly, without running dry. I want to honor the Goddess by honoring myself, and the women around me. I'm worth it. She's worth it. You're worth it. Slow down, and give yourself time to recharge.

I want to be my best self in this lifetime, and that means loving myself just as much as I love everyone else. That means it's okay to put my own needs first. To ensure that I have the strength and endurance to be there when others need me. It's okay to teach by my example that compassion and respect belong to everyone, not just an exclusive few who feel they have the right to receive it.

So... What will you find time for today?... what about tomorrow?

Walking Into the World

I took a walk this morning. The air was heavy with moisture (some people might have said there was even a light drizzle going on), and fresh with green growing things. Flowers are blooming, and the bees are still busy about their work. It was a perfect day for a walk, and I felt right, being the one walking. Not many people come out to breathe deeply and enjoy the day when "it looks like rain." All the better for me!

Here we are, only a few weeks from the Summer Solstice, and enjoying some really energetic thunder storms, 60* weather, and lush rain. It's a funny thing, really. Midsummer is traditionally celebrated (all over the world) by lighting a bonfire, and dancing around (and often over) it. It is as though whole communities are celebrating the world's hearth-- the center of life on our planet, just as the kitchen hearth is the center of life in the home. (second only to the computer, these days)

It is a time for community, for slow conversation on front porches and wild laughter around the campfire. A time to celebrate the harvest and bounty that the sun brings forth from the Earth, to take note of the longest day of the year-- when the sun just seems to hang in the sky for hours, and nothing that comes after will be quite as bright. I realize again how much I look forward to having my own hearth-- my own kitchen, my own gathering place, my own bounty and pantry and security of belonging and shelter against the coming cold of winter.

I know I will manifest these things in my life-- I will be offered and accept a wonderful job. I will find a sturdy place to live (with a kitchen and space for friends to visit me) in the town where I work. I will find ways to participate in my new chosen community, and I will celebrate the changing seasons with my own food and my own traditions. I will finally have a livable income, with money left over for future plans and unforeseen needs. I will have a foundation for my new life to grow from. I know I will. But... I want it now. I'm learning to believe that I belong in the world, that I have the right to work for a living and to enjoy my time here. I'm learning to believe that something wonderful will come of all my hard work. I've been gathering my tools, working hard, and making my plans for nearly three years. I'm tired. I want more than hope to keep me warm.

Midsummer is coming. Maybe it will bring me a more concrete opportunity to walk into the world, and enjoy the rich scent of wood smoke in the air. (from a bonfire, or a hearth fire, or a cooking fire, that is) In the meantime, I'm meditating on abundance, taking long walks, and sending out applications for employment. I think I've counted three so far this week, and about five from the week before. I don't know how to get any more concrete than that.

Where To

I'm still applying for jobs. And I've started looking for something part time for the summer as well. I need an income, and I know it. The positions that are appearing lately in library world sound more rushed than the ones I applied for months back-- three weeks to receive applications, and a start date in August. I guess Fall is when most of this year's library jobs will be starting.

Originally, I moved in with a friend for a couple of months. I was going to have my new job all lined up by the end of March, at the latest, and I'd probably be moving and starting that job well before summer was even a thought. But life doesn't always get lived the way we fantasize that it will. When we got to month four of my latest living arrangement, I went upstairs to talk with my friend. We agreed that it was more realistic to assume at this point that I'll probably still be living here in town for the summer, and we agreed that it is time for me to move out.

We're still good friends, don't get me wrong-- but really-- how long could YOU live in YOUR best friend's house? Without your own stuff, without feeling like you were imposing, without easy access to a fridge or an oven to cook with? She used the rooms I'm in before I came, and she'll use them again when I'm gone. So it's time to give them back to her. With great appreciation for being such a wonderful backup plan when I needed one most.

So... Here I am. Another moving day. Another temporary living arrangement. And I'm actually excited about it. I will have a comfortable sofa-chair in which to watch movies and cuddle with my cat. I will have full use of the house kitchen and living room. There will not be anybody's stuff but mine on the shelves and in the drawers of my room. And best of all? My new housemate has two cats of her own. AND I'll be within walking distance of some of my favorite places. AND there will actually be sunshine coming in the windows at certain times of the day. What a relief THAT will be! I think my cat, especially, will be thrilled about that change.

I'm also glad that there isn't really a whole lot for me to move this time. I don't have to call in the cavalry on this one. And my mailing address stays the same. A box. If I'm REALLY lucky, my cell phone will even work without interruption at the new diggs. I'm in a hill/ravine situation here that is absolutely lush and gorgeous, but bad for cell phone reception. Trade offs.

I'm locked into my new rental for the summer-- and after that, who knows. I might even have a real job to move for.

Claw-Daddy!

So I was cruising around the Library Mo-Fo blog recently, and came across this little gem:
http://community.livejournal.com/library_mofo/799267.html

And it was just so well written that I had to share. I'm also a bit concerned.
I had this boss-- actually, I had four of this boss ALL AT THE SAME TIME...
And... well... it's just so SAD how many of us have had to work for this person at least once in our lifetime. What happened to good management training? What happened to good bosses and work environments that are not full of forced cheer? What happened to job security for the highly educated?!

It's funny-- in the comments there was a discussion about the need to never feel trapped in your job-- about how there are always better options out there and nobody should just PUT UP with a bad boss and an unappreciated professional life. This was countered by that realistic someone who recognized that yes- we are well-educated- and yes- it is never good to stay in a bad situation... but REALISTICALLY, it is not always possible to quit your job and find something better while maintaining all of your other responsibilities... like a marriage, a mortgage, and a MLS Repayment Plan... just for example.

But MAN did I love those truly devious examples of tenacity! I could definitely learn something from that popcorn kernel, that pebble in the shoe, that bird outside my window who ALWAYS starts chirping at 4am, regardless of the weather. In fact, it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: "If you think being small makes you ineffectual, you have never been in bed with a mosquito!"

Spring Fever

So, with one rainy exception, we've had three or four days of warm sunny weather in a row. Didn't it snow just last week?! Not that I'm complaining. I'm just... WONDERING... is all.

Remember the horrid fly invasion of '07? The one where I finally discovered that a whole bag of potatoes had passed "rot" and gone right on to "sludge?" And had, in the process, given birth to a rather large number of little flies that NOTHING COULD KILL?! Yeah. I remember it quite clearly, actually. I ended up using the "kill-anything, but safe-for-your-home" bug spray to STUN the little buggers long enough for me to squish them-- individually. It took hours. Literally.

I'm not really big on killing other living things, but between the ant invasions and the flies, I've come to the handy conclusion that I have no moral problems with defending my home from invaders-- even little crawly ones. ESPECIALLY little crawly ones.

Well, not to bring up old pain or anything, but I recently had what seemed like the beginning of a new invading hoard-- horse flies. Those big metallic blue flies that are literally the size of your thumb-tip. Big. And, it turns out, LOUD. In fact, their ability to sound bigger than they actually are has become a bit of a problem. A really funny problem.

Every once in a while, we get airplanes flying past at night. And for a good minute before you hear them RIGHT OVER HEAD, all you can hear of the airplane coming is this droning rumble. It sounds EXACTLY like those dagm horse flies. And I've sat up and grabbed my rolled up magazine in self-defense more than once, only to realize I couldn't locate the fly because it was technically an airplane. Then there's my cell phone.

I got tired of forgetting to turn off the ringer every time I went to the library-- or forgetting to turn it back on when I left-- so I've just had my phone on "vibrate" for a couple of weeks now. I actually like the compromise. When I get text messages from my bank at 4am, I am no longer awakened every two minutes by a little "ding" to let me know I still haven't checked the message on my cell phone. I sleep through the "vibrate" noise quite well, really... Or I did before the flies came.

Finally this morning I realized that NO, I was NOT hearing yet another intermittent buzzing of yet another gigantic fly buzzing from window to window-- I was hearing the intermittent buzzing of my cell phone vibrating in my purse, telling me it was out of batteries.

In addition to all THOSE little coincidences of sound, the windows in my current apartment are single-pane, and rather old. Like, the house was built in the '40's old. So they just aren't much of a sound barrier. And there are flowering bushes right below the window. I'm realizing that I haven't actually been able to locate the flies that accompany the buzzing of the last two days-- the buzzing that wasn't explained by the cell phone, the airplane, or the neighbor's remodeling noises-- because I was hearing flies and bumblebees OUTSIDE OF MY WINDOWS!!!

I think maybe I can finally relax about the latest "invasion."

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS REALLY GOING TO WRITE ABOUT...

With the latest natural invasion, I've had a sudden need to FIND THE SOURCE, which means doing a deep clean on my apartment. Luckily, it's Spring, so this would actually be the perfect time for such an action. Also, since about 80% of my belongings are currently in storage, I'm woefully unprepared for warm weather. I don't even know where my non-flannel sheets are packed. So, I'll be going through my tiny apartment and packing up anything I'm not using or won't need for the spring/summer months-- and then I'll be heading over to my storage unit, pulling every last thing I can lift out into the hallway, and sorting out the things I actually WANT to access.

I'll also be looking for any MORE stuff I can donate or otherwise get rid of with a light heart (I actually only kept 2/3 of my original belongings when I moved and put stuff in storage-- I've very little idea of what's left to begin with, really...) because my original packing job SUCKED, and I can't fit anything else into that storage space at the moment. This needs to change. It's a big space. And I want to have at least SOME access to the stuff I MIGHT need, but not every day, if you know what I mean.

Sigh.

Spring Fever is sounding rather painful this year.
I'd really expected to be moved into my next long-term home by now. This long-term limbo is really starting to wear on my good intentions (and my good vibrations-- the flies are just the tip of the ice berg on that one!)...

It's got to be at least as hard for my host family to still be living around ME as it is for me to still be living around them. I'm just so grateful that they gave my cat and I such a warm welcome, and that they haven't kicked us out yet. I guess it's time to start thinking up a new backup plan-- just in case I still don't have my future nailed down by midsummer. That would be pushing the welcome wagon a bit too far, even for me.

In the good news category, I've actually done a little yoga every morning for a week now. And all my creating fabrics have got an actual HOME, so there aren't mounds of crumpled fabric bits littering the floor and all available surfaces anymore. YAY! Also, uhhh.... I haven't needed to use the heater to keep my nose, toes, and rear from freezing for TWO NIGHTS now!! What a relief!! AND, I think I finally got my hands on my favorite version of one of my favorite all-time movies, Persuasion. OH! And I've been going for walks just about every day lately, so I feel like I'm doing the healthy thing fairly well. I'm really proud of that, actually.

So, hey-- let's end this on a good note. Maybe a C# or something...

Alarm Bells

I was having a pretty good day. Woke up at 8am. I've been doing this a lot lately, and it occurs to me that maybe I should set my alarm to actually go off around 8am if this trend is going to continue. It goes off at 8:30 right now, just enough time for me to fall back asleep. Not so helpful, really.

Then, I spent a few minutes pacifying the fur ball. I managed to keep her tail out of my cereal at breakfast, and only dribbled yogurt-covered granola on her fur once. I even managed to clean most of it off before she noticed.

And, even better, before I had breakfast, I did a little yoga. I feel good about the yoga, and my sore neck is less likely to digress into a stiff and painful twist of nasty now that I've stretched it out in a healthy and linear fashion. Also, since I'm really trying to incorporate more healthy movements into my day, it felt good to actually spend ten minutes doing yoga for the second day in a row-- without even signing up for someone else to make me do it!

Breakfast was yummy. Strawberry Keifer over nut-and-honey granola (bought in bulk at the store)... And I had an email or two from people I actually wanted to hear from, so that was also nice. One of those emails pointed me to another great job opening to which I really think I'm going to apply. So I visited their website to get more information.

This is a pattern I regularly follow. Track down the original job posting. Read it to make sure I'm at least mostly qualified for the position. Copy the description and application procedure, and paste into a Word document for later review and reference. You know-- later when I actually apply.

Only it didn't work like that this morning.
Copy wouldn't copy, and nothing at all was Pasting.
Shigt!

After much swearing and not a little worry that maybe that "clean up" my dad told me to do to my computer actually hexed the copy/paste functionality... I narrowed down the culprit. Three separate sentences-- in the whole three pages of relevant information --included a specific phrase. And those were the three sentences that could not be copied. So I copied the rest of the document, pasted it, and typed out those three sentences. Grargh.

By now, I was in a really pissy mood. So much for waking up before the alarm, doing yoga, and feeling like I was productive with my morning. ...By the way, I'm sitting cross-legged in my desk chair while I type this, and my cat just jumped off my lap, crouched below my chair, and proceeded to attack my foot as it dangled over the edge of the seat. Huh.

The last two emails I read were from the same person. A good friend of mine. And you know, it just didn't improve my mood any to realize after reading those two emails that I had just agreed to drive an hour out of my way, attend a party I really don't look forward to, and proctor a test... all so I could go for a walk with a friend. I find that I almost prefer to walk alone, without all that hassle, when it comes down to it.

That's when I went into my Bookmarks, and decided to read the latest blog entries for a favorite blogger of mine. And you know, it was a good decision. Because her parents are adopting a Corgi Puppy, and she had posted PHOTOS!!! Now, there are only about three breeds of dog that I've ever really felt I'd want to share my life with-- if I ever chose a dog over a cat at all. Pembroke Welsh Corgis, Great Danes, and Aussie. She's a breed unto herself. Sometimes when I'm thinking of how much I'd love to have an Aussie in my life, I think maybe the third breed is really Basset Hounds... but then I think of all that drooling, and ...well... maybe not.

(Just for the record, I also love the look of French Bulldogs. I mean really-- they have bat ears. What's not to love?! Unfortunately, the only ones I've met have been really snooty, drooly, and a bit too used to the high life to be a desirable pet in my mind.)

So there I was, looking at the cutest pictures ever of a Corgi puppy-- a puppy who'd already found a loving home (the sad "adopt me" pictures depress me horribly for days after I see them)-- and thinking "I WANT ONE OF THOSE!!!" That's when the alarm bells started going off in my head. A dog? Now? Yeah, Right!

I think my cat must have heard me thinking about adopting a dog, too, because there was this sudden flurry of movement on the floor by my chair, and when I looked down, she was rolling around, shoving herself along the floor in a big circle, chasing her tail. She then proceeded to get distracted by: a piece of yarn, a length of basket reed, a plastic bag that crunched nicely, and my toes. Her ears were back the whole time. This is a good sign that I should expect to be attacked, and should not try to do anything that requires concentration-- I WILL be interrupted.

I sat here, watching her antics, thinking to myself "GOOD LORD, my cat is POSeSSED!! I definitely don't need more than one insane pet at a time, thank you very much." That's when she jumped back in my lap and curled up for a nap. sigh.